2006-05-24

If we all spoke by writing, I would be appreciative.

Im beginning to feel alot better lately. Whoevers reading. No one. I'm getting good at letting go. Actually, I've already dropped it, its in shambles at my feet. I still wish I had the words to say what I'm thinking. Writing is good. I find myself carrying a book now to inscribe my life into. At random intervals. I can't wait for 6 years to pass and I read it over and laugh at myself for being so naive. Maybe Im doing that now. I think it's all coming together as far as this goes. None of you know what 'this' is. Just me. Me alone. Always. On letting go, I am at a point where I want to exploit every possible thing I question. I am tired of fear. It's a little taunting but I'm leading her well out of my labrynthe. Exploit, exploit. If I don't get answers, forget the fucking question already. It's about time. There is no time. It's about moments. The less you remember, the shorter your life. Make your moments. I am making mine. This journey of self discovery. I've already discovered you, by the way. I already know where you are. I can feel it. Tugging at me. It's not accidental. All of this, under the sun. It's my sun. All I need to do is let it shine. Let it be. Let it coax you and warm you to the core. I'm not good with fundamentals, words and facts. I feel everything and everything I think and do is completely based on how I feel. My instincts seem deadly. emotions are the only real thing to me. everything else is fiction. I am happy today. I was happy yesterday. I think I'll be happy tomorrow. If things keep up, this smile that so frequently shows, can make a permanent home on my chubby cheeks.

Katrina at 11:58 PM

2006-05-09

Fear and Anger can sit behind me for this one. also titled. I like taking pictures of dandelions.

I was having a tantrum today. It was silly. In the midst of it I threw my bankcard somewhere. As I began to regain my composure (I wasnt being completely nuts, just kinda.) I was looking everywhere for it, all over the house. Then I go to my kitchen begin to look in there...again. At this point I had been in there about 5 times already to look without success. I thought to myself 'I suppose some people have bad days everyday. I think I need to appreciate the fact that these days remind me of all of my good days.' I look to the left. Only to find what I've been looking for. It was right in front of me the whole time. I forgot to remember the outcome I thought I needed so badly. Now, its all about the journey. Not the start and finish. The middle. Where the filling is...

Katrina at 5:55 PM

baby steps.

This picture is nice.

I wish it was the view from a cottage that I owned. Maybe facing the back. If I turned around and walked across to another window I could see a big lake. With an island in the middle. Trees covering the island. A hammock that swings over the lake between to other trees off of a deck thats over the cliff which the cottage is built on. The air. The sky. The endless possibilities while romancing the imagination.

Life is so much better without walls.

Katrina at 2:55 AM

2006-05-06

I'm here...somehow.

There's been alot of talk lately. Especially, regarding things that I've been thinking about in my own spare time. It's almost as if everyone I talk to or think about in passing mentions something about the things I've been thinking about in passing. I hate to sound cliche...but I'm going to be careful what I wish for lately. I was having a conversation the other day. Alongside, my friend, Kate. We have talked about things I can't even remember now. Either way, all of it seems to add up to practically everything. If you know me, You probably know I am a big connections buff. I love connections, connecting and relating obscure to obscure. Either way, we were chatting about how if we all live in a dream sort of world, then she wouldn't be real to me and to her I wouldn't be real to her...But obviously neither one of us would know this. To us, It's just as real as anything else... We always talk about the fact that we'll think of things in fleeting and strangely these things will stand out. Then something regarding that thought will happen....ALWAYS... Today we went to the beach. I think this happened 5 times, maybe more. 5 at least. I will always take this all back to the fact that you determine your own destiny. Your thoughts create your world. You live in your own world, in your own thoughts...So what's real? Nothing. So, let go.
I can't wait to wake up.
For another dream to begin.

Katrina at 7:46 PM

2006-05-04

This dispute might be settled amicably.

I like to watch him grow. It's almost like having your own child when you nuture
something with love for such a long time. You see the ups and downs. They you change and that changes everything. I'm enjoying my changes. Although, I am just beginning some important changes (no, not menopause, it IS hot in here though). You get to see someone elses changes though. I like relationships and connecting with people. Sometimes, I feel I expose too much of myself though. Isn't that the point with any whole relationship though. I mean, I'll be the first to agree the one and one make two. Keep yourselves separate. These things are what was drawing you to each other in the first place. Absorbing that persons thoughts and expanding your own and vice versa. Growth and building but in a break down kind of process. Then search for more. What amazes me, completely, is long enduring connections. When you can grow with someone and then fall apart. Only the grow together again. It happens alot more than people think. It's almost as if people are getting used for inspiration and then the user wanders off to explore things with their new found inspiration...once they run out they are back for more. It always gets better. Maybe, not for you. In this situation, It's always getting better. I'm learning to slow down. Take things in a little farther. Rather then 4 years ago. Then, I would have heard what you were saying but I wasn't listening. Sorry, I was never listening. I can hear now. It's all screaming at me. I am happy I can see this in another perspective. I'm free of the green eyed monster that used to hinder me. Jealousy, such an ugly little monster. I'm not in a relationship of sorts but I am coming to terms with things I thought meant something to myself regarding such things. I was so wrong. I was so incoherent. You were too. We just didn't understand and respect the differences. Im happy I'm getting older. I'm taking the time now to see things I never saw in all the times I looked. I want to look now. Not too much. Maybe, just a glance. All the fruition of this issue though. I'm afraid the fruit may go bad before I sift through all these heaping piles of newfound love-liness.
If you find something. It means the world to you. Let it be free of your traps.

I'll let it be free of my traps.

Playing the fiddle
Of lustful praise
It sings about it all day
Envelopes you in silk and wet
Begins to like the thought of it
Sleeps here from time to time
And forgets about all the wine
Let alone the lies laying still
Without movement we’d never tell
If it was music or living hell
when the feeling that is kept inside
explodes before you can abide.

***as a side note i said 'though' way too many times in the first paragraph ;) kiss kiss***

Katrina at 1:23 AM

2006-05-02

Among other things

All in positive positions. This is a happy day :) Much Love to you, Auntie.

Past:
The message of Strength reminds you that you have more strength, power, and courage than you realize. Learn to live easily with these gifts and use them when appropriate.

Preset:
The Lovers in the Present position.A card in the middle position indicates what is affecting your question at this time.The message of The Lovers tells us to make good and balanced choices. Indeed, the original meaning of this card in the earliest Tarot decks was called The Choice and showed a man choosing between two women. Consider all the facets before committing to any decision. Chose well and build a foundation that can help you achieve your best dreams.

Future:
The Magician’s message is one of discipline and responsibility. You have the power within yourself to accomplish whatever you wish. You have the necessary tools at your disposal. Focus your will and hone your skills

Katrina at 10:58 AM

2006-05-24

If we all spoke by writing, I would be appreciative.

Im beginning to feel alot better lately. Whoevers reading. No one. I'm getting good at letting go. Actually, I've already dropped it, its in shambles at my feet. I still wish I had the words to say what I'm thinking. Writing is good. I find myself carrying a book now to inscribe my life into. At random intervals. I can't wait for 6 years to pass and I read it over and laugh at myself for being so naive. Maybe Im doing that now. I think it's all coming together as far as this goes. None of you know what 'this' is. Just me. Me alone. Always. On letting go, I am at a point where I want to exploit every possible thing I question. I am tired of fear. It's a little taunting but I'm leading her well out of my labrynthe. Exploit, exploit. If I don't get answers, forget the fucking question already. It's about time. There is no time. It's about moments. The less you remember, the shorter your life. Make your moments. I am making mine. This journey of self discovery. I've already discovered you, by the way. I already know where you are. I can feel it. Tugging at me. It's not accidental. All of this, under the sun. It's my sun. All I need to do is let it shine. Let it be. Let it coax you and warm you to the core. I'm not good with fundamentals, words and facts. I feel everything and everything I think and do is completely based on how I feel. My instincts seem deadly. emotions are the only real thing to me. everything else is fiction. I am happy today. I was happy yesterday. I think I'll be happy tomorrow. If things keep up, this smile that so frequently shows, can make a permanent home on my chubby cheeks.

Katrina at 11:58 PM

2006-05-09

Fear and Anger can sit behind me for this one. also titled. I like taking pictures of dandelions.

I was having a tantrum today. It was silly. In the midst of it I threw my bankcard somewhere. As I began to regain my composure (I wasnt being completely nuts, just kinda.) I was looking everywhere for it, all over the house. Then I go to my kitchen begin to look in there...again. At this point I had been in there about 5 times already to look without success. I thought to myself 'I suppose some people have bad days everyday. I think I need to appreciate the fact that these days remind me of all of my good days.' I look to the left. Only to find what I've been looking for. It was right in front of me the whole time. I forgot to remember the outcome I thought I needed so badly. Now, its all about the journey. Not the start and finish. The middle. Where the filling is...

Katrina at 5:55 PM

baby steps.

This picture is nice.

I wish it was the view from a cottage that I owned. Maybe facing the back. If I turned around and walked across to another window I could see a big lake. With an island in the middle. Trees covering the island. A hammock that swings over the lake between to other trees off of a deck thats over the cliff which the cottage is built on. The air. The sky. The endless possibilities while romancing the imagination.

Life is so much better without walls.

Katrina at 2:55 AM

2006-05-06

I'm here...somehow.

There's been alot of talk lately. Especially, regarding things that I've been thinking about in my own spare time. It's almost as if everyone I talk to or think about in passing mentions something about the things I've been thinking about in passing. I hate to sound cliche...but I'm going to be careful what I wish for lately. I was having a conversation the other day. Alongside, my friend, Kate. We have talked about things I can't even remember now. Either way, all of it seems to add up to practically everything. If you know me, You probably know I am a big connections buff. I love connections, connecting and relating obscure to obscure. Either way, we were chatting about how if we all live in a dream sort of world, then she wouldn't be real to me and to her I wouldn't be real to her...But obviously neither one of us would know this. To us, It's just as real as anything else... We always talk about the fact that we'll think of things in fleeting and strangely these things will stand out. Then something regarding that thought will happen....ALWAYS... Today we went to the beach. I think this happened 5 times, maybe more. 5 at least. I will always take this all back to the fact that you determine your own destiny. Your thoughts create your world. You live in your own world, in your own thoughts...So what's real? Nothing. So, let go.
I can't wait to wake up.
For another dream to begin.

Katrina at 7:46 PM

2006-05-04

This dispute might be settled amicably.

I like to watch him grow. It's almost like having your own child when you nuture
something with love for such a long time. You see the ups and downs. They you change and that changes everything. I'm enjoying my changes. Although, I am just beginning some important changes (no, not menopause, it IS hot in here though). You get to see someone elses changes though. I like relationships and connecting with people. Sometimes, I feel I expose too much of myself though. Isn't that the point with any whole relationship though. I mean, I'll be the first to agree the one and one make two. Keep yourselves separate. These things are what was drawing you to each other in the first place. Absorbing that persons thoughts and expanding your own and vice versa. Growth and building but in a break down kind of process. Then search for more. What amazes me, completely, is long enduring connections. When you can grow with someone and then fall apart. Only the grow together again. It happens alot more than people think. It's almost as if people are getting used for inspiration and then the user wanders off to explore things with their new found inspiration...once they run out they are back for more. It always gets better. Maybe, not for you. In this situation, It's always getting better. I'm learning to slow down. Take things in a little farther. Rather then 4 years ago. Then, I would have heard what you were saying but I wasn't listening. Sorry, I was never listening. I can hear now. It's all screaming at me. I am happy I can see this in another perspective. I'm free of the green eyed monster that used to hinder me. Jealousy, such an ugly little monster. I'm not in a relationship of sorts but I am coming to terms with things I thought meant something to myself regarding such things. I was so wrong. I was so incoherent. You were too. We just didn't understand and respect the differences. Im happy I'm getting older. I'm taking the time now to see things I never saw in all the times I looked. I want to look now. Not too much. Maybe, just a glance. All the fruition of this issue though. I'm afraid the fruit may go bad before I sift through all these heaping piles of newfound love-liness.
If you find something. It means the world to you. Let it be free of your traps.

I'll let it be free of my traps.

Playing the fiddle
Of lustful praise
It sings about it all day
Envelopes you in silk and wet
Begins to like the thought of it
Sleeps here from time to time
And forgets about all the wine
Let alone the lies laying still
Without movement we’d never tell
If it was music or living hell
when the feeling that is kept inside
explodes before you can abide.

***as a side note i said 'though' way too many times in the first paragraph ;) kiss kiss***

Katrina at 1:23 AM

2006-05-02

Among other things

All in positive positions. This is a happy day :) Much Love to you, Auntie.

Past:
The message of Strength reminds you that you have more strength, power, and courage than you realize. Learn to live easily with these gifts and use them when appropriate.

Preset:
The Lovers in the Present position.A card in the middle position indicates what is affecting your question at this time.The message of The Lovers tells us to make good and balanced choices. Indeed, the original meaning of this card in the earliest Tarot decks was called The Choice and showed a man choosing between two women. Consider all the facets before committing to any decision. Chose well and build a foundation that can help you achieve your best dreams.

Future:
The Magician’s message is one of discipline and responsibility. You have the power within yourself to accomplish whatever you wish. You have the necessary tools at your disposal. Focus your will and hone your skills

Katrina at 10:58 AM