Namaste

2006-08-18

abstract.

If you haven't seen waking life. See it.

Oh the time it is a changing. Bob dylan.

Some things about me. Abstract at best.

I like to dance. I like hockey. I am a sucker for charm. I am so insanely placed in awe regarding my experiences. I never thought life would turn out the way it has. I wish my memory was better. I wish I could speak my mind, in the most literal sense. I long for someone I can speak my mind to. When I can sit with someone and feel like while talking I am only thinking out loud. I want to buy you things that you'll love and hate. I want you to show me something I've never seen. Or if I have seen it I want to see it differently when you show it to me and explain your thoughts about it. I have seen people so saddened with life. I have been so saddened by life. I contradict myself constantly because I have no idea what's going on around me and I don't pretend to try and understand anything besides what I feel at that exact moment. I want to meet someone named polly. I had a friend named Amy. She is long in the past but not forgotten. I want someone to throw a surprise party for me. I want to inspire. I want to be inspired. I want to pick up a gun and aim it at my enemy and put it down because it doesn't look good on me. I want to garbage pick and find something wonderful. Then get someone else to do the same thing with the same outcome. I wear clashing outfits. I lie if I think it will hurt you. I am forgotten to some. I am loved by many. I don't know much about love. I stepped on a hibatchi when I was 4 and had 2nd degree burns on the bottom of my foot. I have a mother that was an addict. I enjoy her stories. I am addicted to coffee. I have chewed both wool and tinfoil. Both made me cringe so I did it again. I used to call quest and have old men come to the house next door and my friends and I would laugh. I was so drunk I pee'd my pants, while I was vomiting, in some guys yard, then passed on my cell phone and my friend took a picture. I ruined that film. I ruin alot of things. I am obsessed with procrastination. I am less intelligent than I seem. I like to be lazy then bitch about my weight. I am alone almost all the time. I long to be surrounded in people and just listen to them talk. I used to be surrounded. I escaped because it was tiring. I never say never anymore. I wonder what I am doing here. I wonder why I met you. I wonder why I can't be honest when I just want to scream out things you probably feel as well. I feel like I am going somewhere big. I hate the idea of success. I want to be wealthy. I want a nice car. I want to live modestly with long hair and not wear deoderant. I don't want to smell. I like the feeling I have after a bath. I like to dream. I sleep only to dream. Most of the time I wish you were here.
I don't regret anything except the fact that I lived a life in which I lied to myself, for far too long. You probably know more about me than I do. Someone should send me snail mail. with pictures.

I feel anxious to be a part of humanity. As disturbing as I find it.

Katrina at 12:07 AM

2006-08-13

Mouth Inc.

The Voice. The Words. The Magic.
So, life is so brutally awesome.
I feel so greatly encompassed by the fact that I am creating everything around me. Sounds insane, I know. Loving synchronicity as I do, I decided to play a little game with it. My experience regarding the aforementioned wonder has been nuts thus far. I was thinking about how energy in must be energy out and what have you and how synchronicity occurs with things of all nature. Bad, good and neutral. Using an example regarding a bad experience, a certain someone I knew mentioned how she really wanted a way to lose her abusive boyfriend but didn't have it in her to hire a hitman and knew he'd never leave her alone...he hung himself 5 months later. BAD SYNCHRONICITY!!! Lots of good comes and bad. It's all in how you live. No, It's all in how you choose to change the future. (incoming cliche) Today is the first day of the rest of your life. If you choose to speak good things into your life they will ultimately prevail. Provided you don't doubt yourself. We are constantly at war with ourselves until we find that peace that ultimately rejects negative ideas and thoughts. Normally, habit isn't my favourite hobby but in this case speaking words of positivity and all things holy and good can and ultimately will change your lifes direction. I'm positive I'm spilling beans you've already picked up but I'm excited about my finding. Back to energy, you surround yourself in negativity and you WILL absorb it. Negativity will only drain your soul out of your body, drag it through the dirt and hand it back to you in a wrinkled lump. You then spend, rather waste, any amount of time trying to clean it but only to find yourself surrounded yet again with negative only to perpetuate the cycle. I am not saying you or anyone else can't have bad energy at times. I'm saying it's your choice to either accept this, change it to good and output OR accept it, leave it bad and output. It's energy, it must come out either way. Now, how you make this decision is crucial. Synchoronicity is helpful because it helps you to speak things into your life. It is a gift. We are an evolving energy. Like a child does, it learns things as it grows. Energy cannot dissipate. So, think about all the energy here on earth and inside of you. It's got no choice but to be passed around through people and things and gain more and more 'speed' (I'll call it that because I'm no word god). Energy evolution throughout the centuries. We all can agree perhaps we are all indigo and crystalline children. A missing link even? Come back to change the way the world sees itself. Growth, Harmony and union. So, I say use this good synchronicity in ways you've never thought. Speak well always. Even in bad situations, bite your pillow yell and scream and ask for the bad to turn to good. Talk to yourself if you have to. I promise you as a synch testimonial. I have done it. If you change your words, you ultimately change your life. Speak it all into your life. You have amazing abilities. You create your reality.Thanks for listening. I feel it already.

Katrina at 10:51 PM

2006-08-12

A late night sight

2:22am. What are you thinking about?

Life is crazy madness. I've been reading a book called passages lately. Can't remember who its by and I'm too lazy to go look. Either way, It's generally about the crisis adults go through. Although she calls them passages to make them sound less abrasive and create an atmosphere for good. I'll say this though. These fucking 'passages' suck my fucking balls and create enough energy through pain to light up a fucking football field. It's been worse. Tonight, I am resentful of the times I have felt down. I have concluded from this book that I am in the 'moratorium' group of these early adulthood passages...apparently, there are 4 types. Now, conclusions are great. They make sense. So, much sense in fact I'm angry I couldn't figure it out. When this moratorium first reared its ugly mug I had talked to a friend about it and she mentioned maybe we knew things we weren't supposed to. Like we were special. I believed her, and for good cause because it seemed to give me hope that I would feel better one day and all my feelings of anguish,guilt, terror etc. etc. would amount to something fruitful. I had mentioned to her, maybe, we were just growing up and this was a transitional phase in the process. She disagreed. I am happy I saw that. That's precisely what is was. It's kind of painful to realize you are no longer a child. I'm 21. I'm not in any way experienced with life if you ask me. I feel like I'm only beginning. Which brings me back to the moratorium phase. This phase tells of adolescents and young adults, 17-22, that have basically come to a stop. They drop out of school, work, pull away from relationships and basically take time for themselves. Mind you, this is not always a good thing it can be very dangerous. She explains this is only a good thing if you are continuously trying to improve yourself, not in a material way since you have no ambition to actually move forward with something tangible, but in a spiritual/growth kind of way. In order to be a part of the moratorium group you most be doing nothing yet something you are unable to put into substance. This is my group. I'm just finally coming out of it. I do little things because if I don't ill go nuts but for the most part I've been sitting idle. Watching, waiting for myself to make a move. Apparently, this does not happen without the emotional push that comes from sitting too long. There are other groups I can't mention because they didn't apply to me so I kind of skimmed them. I do know this. If you are someone that lets other people guide you and they are always there for you to lean on. You will probably never have adult transitional depression/passage/crisis. You will never feel rock bottom at this point because you'll never hit it. You may think you have. It's not the same. I also read that if you do not go through this phase at around that time, you will have a crisis at some time later and deal with those same issues you should have in your 20's. They may become worse. How to avoid this? HONESTY. Not will friends, not the 'hey man I took your shirt to borrow I'll return it dont worry' honesty. The completely aware, raw and painful honesty with yourself. Acknowledge yourself and let it go. See things as they are not as you want to see them. If you don't like it, change it. Awareness is key. Otherwise we end up with cognitive dissonance and thats a whole other post in itself.
There is more to this. I could go on. I just don't feel like speaking on behalf of others...(or I'm lazy)

By the by, I have come to the conclusion that we need to see ourselves as aliens, because we are all aliens. I think it's completely disgusting that I pretend I am something more than I am.
Look at the octopus. Probably thinks he's an ok octopus...He's an alien. A fucking alien that lives in the water and we evolved from water and that makes us relative to an octopus...You have octopus family and you think you're fucking cool too. Shit, we are a fucked up specimen. Even organisms and disease....so tiny...they have the upper hand. If you ask me it's because they are aware of who and what they are. They accept it, let it go and serve their purpose.
Hail the Virus.

Katrina at 2:27 AM

2006-08-04

Undulating, at best

UNDULATING, AT BEST
____________________________________________________
Theres a really weird spot in between the points when you were something and then something else. I mean to say I remember myself as a child and now I feel a bit older. Everything in between seems to be somewhat of a blur. If you remind me of a time we spent together. It ultimately jogs my memory and I can talk about it with you and we'll reminesce. Great times I am sure.

I went to church today. My older friend Evangeline asked me to join her. I did. It was a small unestablished church. The pastor wants to find me some clientele for photography. He insisted on the church praying for me. Call me blasphemous but I urged him not to. I can't tell you why. I think I feel horrible. I told him exactly why I was there. For a friend, for my own justification. I feel unknowing when it comes to explaining to people why I don't go to church. Truth is, I haven't been to church since I was 7. I should learn myself a little something about christianity before I go blowing it off like I am god myself and I have the right. I find myself applying philosophy and psychology to everything I heard today in the church. Even while they are talking. I am completely jaded due to my persistant questioning of existence and why why whys.
While the pastor asked me about what I wanted out of life I began to answer and he stopped me saying 'you job is to work for the lord'. What? The lord must call for pastors to cut off newcomers in the middle of answering a respectable question with a respectable answer. I'm sorry I didn't begin my sentence with "I breathe the lord he smells like holy socks I didn't wear on sunday, please forgive me'.
Pardon my ignorance Evangeline but I'm trying.
Evangeline pertained again to my love of seeking truth (through every means) again as information she would not receive, due to the fact that I was talking about the distance from the ground to a plane window....how is this too philosophical for a christian...do christians disregard philosophy? Is it a sin? I wasn't even talking about philosophy. I was doing a bad job with being scientific actually.
I just feel as though, for myself, I have to indulge in all walks of life, culture and religion before I can make a justified decision regarding how I will live my life. I want to live as freely as possible. I don't want to conform and change my views unless they change naturally(this is of course based on ways of life only. obviously if you prove me wrong I'll believe you).
I am trying my best to be a whole person, a good person and a person with respect and understanding. I also need to stay true to myself. It's only natural for me.

I have a strong desire for knowledge and wisdom right now. I am growing and changing daily. It's been rough but I am alive. It's ups and downs and all arounds but I love it. Finally.
I hope I am not as bullshit as I seem.

Katrina at 10:33 PM

When the golden light is too bright

When the golden light is too bright


For words you cannot bear. A touch to blow you open wide

Katrina at 9:56 AM



Namaste

2006-08-18

abstract.

If you haven't seen waking life. See it.

Oh the time it is a changing. Bob dylan.

Some things about me. Abstract at best.

I like to dance. I like hockey. I am a sucker for charm. I am so insanely placed in awe regarding my experiences. I never thought life would turn out the way it has. I wish my memory was better. I wish I could speak my mind, in the most literal sense. I long for someone I can speak my mind to. When I can sit with someone and feel like while talking I am only thinking out loud. I want to buy you things that you'll love and hate. I want you to show me something I've never seen. Or if I have seen it I want to see it differently when you show it to me and explain your thoughts about it. I have seen people so saddened with life. I have been so saddened by life. I contradict myself constantly because I have no idea what's going on around me and I don't pretend to try and understand anything besides what I feel at that exact moment. I want to meet someone named polly. I had a friend named Amy. She is long in the past but not forgotten. I want someone to throw a surprise party for me. I want to inspire. I want to be inspired. I want to pick up a gun and aim it at my enemy and put it down because it doesn't look good on me. I want to garbage pick and find something wonderful. Then get someone else to do the same thing with the same outcome. I wear clashing outfits. I lie if I think it will hurt you. I am forgotten to some. I am loved by many. I don't know much about love. I stepped on a hibatchi when I was 4 and had 2nd degree burns on the bottom of my foot. I have a mother that was an addict. I enjoy her stories. I am addicted to coffee. I have chewed both wool and tinfoil. Both made me cringe so I did it again. I used to call quest and have old men come to the house next door and my friends and I would laugh. I was so drunk I pee'd my pants, while I was vomiting, in some guys yard, then passed on my cell phone and my friend took a picture. I ruined that film. I ruin alot of things. I am obsessed with procrastination. I am less intelligent than I seem. I like to be lazy then bitch about my weight. I am alone almost all the time. I long to be surrounded in people and just listen to them talk. I used to be surrounded. I escaped because it was tiring. I never say never anymore. I wonder what I am doing here. I wonder why I met you. I wonder why I can't be honest when I just want to scream out things you probably feel as well. I feel like I am going somewhere big. I hate the idea of success. I want to be wealthy. I want a nice car. I want to live modestly with long hair and not wear deoderant. I don't want to smell. I like the feeling I have after a bath. I like to dream. I sleep only to dream. Most of the time I wish you were here.
I don't regret anything except the fact that I lived a life in which I lied to myself, for far too long. You probably know more about me than I do. Someone should send me snail mail. with pictures.

I feel anxious to be a part of humanity. As disturbing as I find it.

Katrina at 12:07 AM

2006-08-13

Mouth Inc.

The Voice. The Words. The Magic.
So, life is so brutally awesome.
I feel so greatly encompassed by the fact that I am creating everything around me. Sounds insane, I know. Loving synchronicity as I do, I decided to play a little game with it. My experience regarding the aforementioned wonder has been nuts thus far. I was thinking about how energy in must be energy out and what have you and how synchronicity occurs with things of all nature. Bad, good and neutral. Using an example regarding a bad experience, a certain someone I knew mentioned how she really wanted a way to lose her abusive boyfriend but didn't have it in her to hire a hitman and knew he'd never leave her alone...he hung himself 5 months later. BAD SYNCHRONICITY!!! Lots of good comes and bad. It's all in how you live. No, It's all in how you choose to change the future. (incoming cliche) Today is the first day of the rest of your life. If you choose to speak good things into your life they will ultimately prevail. Provided you don't doubt yourself. We are constantly at war with ourselves until we find that peace that ultimately rejects negative ideas and thoughts. Normally, habit isn't my favourite hobby but in this case speaking words of positivity and all things holy and good can and ultimately will change your lifes direction. I'm positive I'm spilling beans you've already picked up but I'm excited about my finding. Back to energy, you surround yourself in negativity and you WILL absorb it. Negativity will only drain your soul out of your body, drag it through the dirt and hand it back to you in a wrinkled lump. You then spend, rather waste, any amount of time trying to clean it but only to find yourself surrounded yet again with negative only to perpetuate the cycle. I am not saying you or anyone else can't have bad energy at times. I'm saying it's your choice to either accept this, change it to good and output OR accept it, leave it bad and output. It's energy, it must come out either way. Now, how you make this decision is crucial. Synchoronicity is helpful because it helps you to speak things into your life. It is a gift. We are an evolving energy. Like a child does, it learns things as it grows. Energy cannot dissipate. So, think about all the energy here on earth and inside of you. It's got no choice but to be passed around through people and things and gain more and more 'speed' (I'll call it that because I'm no word god). Energy evolution throughout the centuries. We all can agree perhaps we are all indigo and crystalline children. A missing link even? Come back to change the way the world sees itself. Growth, Harmony and union. So, I say use this good synchronicity in ways you've never thought. Speak well always. Even in bad situations, bite your pillow yell and scream and ask for the bad to turn to good. Talk to yourself if you have to. I promise you as a synch testimonial. I have done it. If you change your words, you ultimately change your life. Speak it all into your life. You have amazing abilities. You create your reality.Thanks for listening. I feel it already.

Katrina at 10:51 PM

2006-08-12

A late night sight

2:22am. What are you thinking about?

Life is crazy madness. I've been reading a book called passages lately. Can't remember who its by and I'm too lazy to go look. Either way, It's generally about the crisis adults go through. Although she calls them passages to make them sound less abrasive and create an atmosphere for good. I'll say this though. These fucking 'passages' suck my fucking balls and create enough energy through pain to light up a fucking football field. It's been worse. Tonight, I am resentful of the times I have felt down. I have concluded from this book that I am in the 'moratorium' group of these early adulthood passages...apparently, there are 4 types. Now, conclusions are great. They make sense. So, much sense in fact I'm angry I couldn't figure it out. When this moratorium first reared its ugly mug I had talked to a friend about it and she mentioned maybe we knew things we weren't supposed to. Like we were special. I believed her, and for good cause because it seemed to give me hope that I would feel better one day and all my feelings of anguish,guilt, terror etc. etc. would amount to something fruitful. I had mentioned to her, maybe, we were just growing up and this was a transitional phase in the process. She disagreed. I am happy I saw that. That's precisely what is was. It's kind of painful to realize you are no longer a child. I'm 21. I'm not in any way experienced with life if you ask me. I feel like I'm only beginning. Which brings me back to the moratorium phase. This phase tells of adolescents and young adults, 17-22, that have basically come to a stop. They drop out of school, work, pull away from relationships and basically take time for themselves. Mind you, this is not always a good thing it can be very dangerous. She explains this is only a good thing if you are continuously trying to improve yourself, not in a material way since you have no ambition to actually move forward with something tangible, but in a spiritual/growth kind of way. In order to be a part of the moratorium group you most be doing nothing yet something you are unable to put into substance. This is my group. I'm just finally coming out of it. I do little things because if I don't ill go nuts but for the most part I've been sitting idle. Watching, waiting for myself to make a move. Apparently, this does not happen without the emotional push that comes from sitting too long. There are other groups I can't mention because they didn't apply to me so I kind of skimmed them. I do know this. If you are someone that lets other people guide you and they are always there for you to lean on. You will probably never have adult transitional depression/passage/crisis. You will never feel rock bottom at this point because you'll never hit it. You may think you have. It's not the same. I also read that if you do not go through this phase at around that time, you will have a crisis at some time later and deal with those same issues you should have in your 20's. They may become worse. How to avoid this? HONESTY. Not will friends, not the 'hey man I took your shirt to borrow I'll return it dont worry' honesty. The completely aware, raw and painful honesty with yourself. Acknowledge yourself and let it go. See things as they are not as you want to see them. If you don't like it, change it. Awareness is key. Otherwise we end up with cognitive dissonance and thats a whole other post in itself.
There is more to this. I could go on. I just don't feel like speaking on behalf of others...(or I'm lazy)

By the by, I have come to the conclusion that we need to see ourselves as aliens, because we are all aliens. I think it's completely disgusting that I pretend I am something more than I am.
Look at the octopus. Probably thinks he's an ok octopus...He's an alien. A fucking alien that lives in the water and we evolved from water and that makes us relative to an octopus...You have octopus family and you think you're fucking cool too. Shit, we are a fucked up specimen. Even organisms and disease....so tiny...they have the upper hand. If you ask me it's because they are aware of who and what they are. They accept it, let it go and serve their purpose.
Hail the Virus.

Katrina at 2:27 AM

2006-08-04

Undulating, at best

UNDULATING, AT BEST
____________________________________________________
Theres a really weird spot in between the points when you were something and then something else. I mean to say I remember myself as a child and now I feel a bit older. Everything in between seems to be somewhat of a blur. If you remind me of a time we spent together. It ultimately jogs my memory and I can talk about it with you and we'll reminesce. Great times I am sure.

I went to church today. My older friend Evangeline asked me to join her. I did. It was a small unestablished church. The pastor wants to find me some clientele for photography. He insisted on the church praying for me. Call me blasphemous but I urged him not to. I can't tell you why. I think I feel horrible. I told him exactly why I was there. For a friend, for my own justification. I feel unknowing when it comes to explaining to people why I don't go to church. Truth is, I haven't been to church since I was 7. I should learn myself a little something about christianity before I go blowing it off like I am god myself and I have the right. I find myself applying philosophy and psychology to everything I heard today in the church. Even while they are talking. I am completely jaded due to my persistant questioning of existence and why why whys.
While the pastor asked me about what I wanted out of life I began to answer and he stopped me saying 'you job is to work for the lord'. What? The lord must call for pastors to cut off newcomers in the middle of answering a respectable question with a respectable answer. I'm sorry I didn't begin my sentence with "I breathe the lord he smells like holy socks I didn't wear on sunday, please forgive me'.
Pardon my ignorance Evangeline but I'm trying.
Evangeline pertained again to my love of seeking truth (through every means) again as information she would not receive, due to the fact that I was talking about the distance from the ground to a plane window....how is this too philosophical for a christian...do christians disregard philosophy? Is it a sin? I wasn't even talking about philosophy. I was doing a bad job with being scientific actually.
I just feel as though, for myself, I have to indulge in all walks of life, culture and religion before I can make a justified decision regarding how I will live my life. I want to live as freely as possible. I don't want to conform and change my views unless they change naturally(this is of course based on ways of life only. obviously if you prove me wrong I'll believe you).
I am trying my best to be a whole person, a good person and a person with respect and understanding. I also need to stay true to myself. It's only natural for me.

I have a strong desire for knowledge and wisdom right now. I am growing and changing daily. It's been rough but I am alive. It's ups and downs and all arounds but I love it. Finally.
I hope I am not as bullshit as I seem.

Katrina at 10:33 PM

When the golden light is too bright

When the golden light is too bright


For words you cannot bear. A touch to blow you open wide

Katrina at 9:56 AM