2006-10-30

You Are 44% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

Katrina at 1:54 AM

Katrina at 1:45 AM

2006-10-28

Music to my soul

Katrina at 6:36 AM

Katrina at 5:27 AM

After a story is told. The date becomes 11:11,11,11. In the Middle of May. Silence. Words begin again. It takes only seconds. Do you not feel as if you have lost a part of something? Lost in the process perhaps. Rooting through what should not be said, leaving very little of what can be said.
Uncovering secretly and covering. Which side of the door am I on? My job is to tell you. Right? You would be a better judge of character.
Other brave men have conquered these things.
Sokrates on his death bed:
"Krito, we owe a cock to asklepios. pay it back and don't forget"
"that", said Krito, "will be done, but now see if you have anything else to say".
Nov. 11, 11:11. Silence.
This is the uncovering. In his saying nothing in regards to this fact, we see the man he was.
Covering. We ask whats more implying on your death bed there is more to think about besides cock (ha!).
Selfish swims the lonely fish in water of his own.
I spend alot of time listening to stories I am not interested in. When i pretend I raise my eyes, I flow in and out of my surroundings, Head pollution and I shift my weight. Back and forth. In an out. I think I would not lose attention if I was intrigued. Why am I listening and yet not?
The great waiter.
This, fills me with fear. I have been aware of this for a while. I have hung it round my neck as a reminder. Everytime I feel your body tense for a story, change route. Move focus. Segway, segway, segway.
Here comes the irony.
For me,
when a story begins I brace for a climax, I wait for a release and when I receive it I gain from it. When I don't get this fix ( I wasn't fiending for anyways) I create my own hollow. This seems negative. 'that story wasn't good' or 'that didn't make any sense'.
I forget it is not my story.
So, If you are expecting more than nothing at all you expect far too much from someone who can give you no story. I can only spill mine and in my own way. If you are finding this confusing you should know I mean every word and I understand what I'm saying because its verbatim from inside. Even if you have a hard time. Sifting through things you don't need to. Just listen.
If this story is anti climatic I made it that way and you need not worry.
Make your own story.

Katrina at 3:41 AM

2006-10-27

Katrina at 5:05 AM

As I am walking
I can see the fallen leaves
As I pass the avenues
previously shaded by those
who clung to those branches
At the same time
up ahead you can see
whole trunks thrown down untouched
Curious.
The insouciance could escalate
Up further I can see
the proportions
of madness
against the horizon.
----------------
The sky at night is a momentus place.
Im sure you would agree. The stars to don't stop by day anywhere. They are burning bright even though you aren't looking. Even though you couldn't see them if you did. Anyways, you'd soon forget. Like two words in a complex sentence we sit juxtaposed, moving ahead. Eyes on the road. Take your eyes off the road, I keep thinking to myself. I'm not sure who I was talking to. Parataxis, in this case, is an electric fortified instant of language freezing on the surface, complete mystery underneath. The wisest of china tells us that 'shadow and body comfort one another'. This is reminescent of my childhood. Staring out the window of the car. Going on a trip away from everything I knew and nothing could ensnare my attention when I got there. I was inside. My father used to drive with his eyes also fixated on the road. Now, I sit next to this man(father?) like two stars hung in the middle of the universe, we are seemingly motionless as we hurdle towards each other at 186,213 miles per second engulfed in silence that could crack the wall. The sky at night is a momentus place.

Katrina at 2:52 AM

2006-10-26

in pondering mode again.
-------------------------
to the unrequitted
arm in arm into your mind never
this thought was there
but another was forever
----------------------
this is felt meaning

If you have felt
a tree turn to words
a wind feel like sobs
and a tickle from the moon
if you have felt
the clouds over australia
and the eyes of another
reflecting into yours across the ocean
if you have felt the mountains cower
the rain smile
the glass take a drink
the gravel on the road to nowhere
the voice of the wind
If you have felt something you can't explain
You have felt me deeply

Katrina at 4:29 AM

2006-10-25

We can't do too much. We don't feel right about it.
So, mostly we plant seeds. Just your regular gardeners. Planting seeds where we can. Sometimes they sprout, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they do sprout and then they get weed wacked. Just a fact. We've watched it happen. Sometimes we are the weed wacker. Sometimes we are the weed. Sometimes we are the water. Sometimes we are a flower. Sometimes you are all these things too. These are just the facts.
If you plant yourself a garden. Somethings bound to root. Somethings bound to not.
But, whatever makes it through the spring will live to see the summer.
It's just how it grows.
For Maciej,
forever in bloom.

Katrina at 5:30 AM

2006-10-24

One oct 28th mercury turns retrograde and I am going to a halloween party. I am thinking of dressing up in a red globe and walking backwards all night and actually being the mercury retrograde. It would be my craziest costume yet. No one would understand and it should work out even better considering I am not going to know anyone at this party, I am glad to make shitty first impressions.
I am a shitty first impression.
I'm eating curried chicken and rice. I really love curried chicken and rice.
There is nothing to do at 3:14 am.
Nothing.
All you can do is eat chicken and rice and talk to a virtual wall.
I wonder if curry stains your insides like it does everything else.
I really love curried chicken and rice.
*sigh*
Repetition causes seizures.
I'm going to bed now.

Katrina at 2:43 AM

2006-10-23

Ben takes a photo of himself everyday

lol I love thugged out ben.

Katrina at 12:26 PM

2006-10-22

This is a sweet corpse.
I'm diggin' the salvador-esque nature.
Far out!

Don't drown in the mirage guys.
It's just a mirage.

The get up and go, got up and went. Just now. Out the door.
Oh well, it's better than that time when the get up went up the go, you know what I mean.

My friend just turned 22. I've known her since we were 11. That makes me laugh. We've done alot of stupid shit together. I wouldn't take any of it back. She's laughing as she reads this I am sure of it. Not because its funny. Because she remembers that time we fought those guys in the elevator and she ate the wrong burger and we drank way too much and burned the pizza that set off the alarm at 7 am and woke up her mom, who was not happy even slightly about it. Especially because we were passed out.

What pizza?

Good times.

SOMEONE DO THIS FOR ME WHILE IM AT WORK

Katrina at 11:00 PM

2006-10-20

I need to shave my legs. I just don't give a shit though. Tonight I feel like I give a shit. Two shits even. At least I don't have dark hair. I suppose in that sense I have one hairy leg up on the pile.

Work is changing. My boss nabbed a contract which is good for him and I get a raise but my hours are going to change drastically because he is going to start another shift. This means I have to work afternoons because others are going to need supervision. ugh.
Afternoon shifts are corrosive to your life.
I hope it won't last long.

I went out for dinner tonight with friends. We went to Timbers chophouse. It's so ambient in there. I love it. They light candles for you. We were completely unambient. This is no matter. It was super nice and not as expensive as I thought it would be. So all of you should go. All of you should go together and take me too. We could reserve the whole upper floor. It would be a nice celebration. They have alot of wine too. Believe me I know. I think I drank half of it. It takes balls to go unoaked you know.
I feel like its saturday.
bye bye.

Katrina at 11:22 PM

I thought today was fucking friday. I came home just now and realised that I have to work tomorrow. That tomorrow is not saturday and that I don't have the schedule I thought I did. I normally work until noon on fridays. Today I worked until noon because we had no orders but when my boss told me I am only there until noon I thought friday. This whole day was my friday and now tomorrow I have to live friday all over again. It has completely changed my day. I completely am utterly confused.
What a manifestation.

Katrina at 12:51 AM

2006-10-19

I'm not sure any of us are meant to take on the diabolical in any other. How do you comfort the diabolical? Everthing in them becomes an iron hoop through you. You know what though? I'm not even sure I care. I'm not even sure it matters. I'm just so far in the unknown I have no idea what to know. I try to pretend. It's a bad habit. Enlightenment is useless.
It's a nice way of saying my ego thinks it is a super duper accomplishment.
You may be the extraordinary master of wisdom yourself, but there is no point in making other people feel miserable. An opinion of truth that makes sense, and wages war against anothers idea of truth is still a war. No matter who is right.
So, I'm going to try this. I'm going to put paper on the ground in the woods somewhere. I'm going to paint and draw on that paper. The bumpy lines can be like not knowing and my movements through brush and pencils can be like my useless attempts to make a smooth picture.
Then I can put into materialization what is going on exactly.
Something is going on but its all squiggly lines and water like paint splotches and I can't make out the picture.

I keep trying to tap blood out of thoughts.
diabolical.

Katrina at 12:37 AM

2006-10-18

If it doesn't work out you'll always have a vagina here to take refuge in.
I think christ experienced physical love.
I think he fucked death.
Death bent over the workbench.
Christ talking dirty.
Take me you bitch.
He knew where he was going.
Death clutching her scythe.
With closed eyes he
Vanquished her.
The triumph of life over death.
Love, in the greatest of physicality.

Even the pope likes a bumpy car ride.
Is a gravel road and bad shocks a sin?

Still watching for the one who flies. near the end of the world. With humble hunger. Quiet pangs of the heart. The one with tame fury. Edging on other borders. Crossing other boundaries.
I've never been to corrientes. It sounds pleasant.
Still watching for the one who is watching for the queen of polluting territories. Who will try to swallow you only to give birth to you again and again. Like, reading a poem that at the time makes you cry and the next morning means nothing. But we save it in hidden places just to search for it again.

(edit: I was just informed, in mexican culture death is female.)

Katrina at 9:25 PM

Lindsay is going to see an oncologist. Not a good thing. Positivity on the other hand is. Focus on the positive.

Katrina at 1:02 AM

2006-10-17

Apparently dallas green cleverly created the band name city&colour from his name. Dallas being and city and Green being a colour. If I were to use this same method to create my name it could be something like katrina = hurricane and cooper = sportswear.
Hurricane Sportswear. I think if it's not lucrative as a band name, it could make a wicked face value business. I mean what if you could take a hurricane head on while wearing the right protective gear? You could essentially play in a hurricane. Brings a new meaning to jumping in puddles. You'd be swimming with tsunamis and dancing with monsoons. We'd have to put warning labels on it all. For instance, 'DO NOT REMOVE DURING EYE OF STORM' Or 'We cannot be held responsible for any damage caused while wearing hurricane sportswear'. Hurricane sportswear is not guaranteed to preserve life quality.' and 'please storm responsibly'.
I think the states would market the shit out of something like that. All the while fucking up shipment to the southern states. Everyone in north dakota would have a hur-met.(?)
I don't work today. What a good day.

Katrina at 8:17 AM

'That's how you came here, like a star
without a name. Move across the night sky
with those anonymous lights.'

-rumi

Katrina at 12:31 AM

2006-10-16

Lucy sat in the chair
arms and legs and backs
straight
a sturdy foundation
for a future hunchback.
emotional scoliosis.
-----
I will show you pain
he pinched me.
I then thought I was dreaming

he said he didn't know
what apathetic meant
when i walked away
he said I didn't care
-------------------
The ashes don't fly
from trees up north
the smell of burning birch bark
always kept us grounded
----------
he picked up sticks
an twigs
and old dried leaves
to make a fire
from the old matchbook collection
---------

I wrote it down
but the whole time
I thought of saying it
letting it creep off my tongue
like lemmings off a cliff
one after one
watching them all
slowly fall
into the lake
melding into the body
of the one
whos movement is constant

Katrina at 11:50 PM

Build up of psychological time again. Indentification with the past and projection into the future. Lordy Lordy look who's forty and sporting a fashionable midlife crisis (It even comes in colours). I wonder how I can work through this psychological time issue I am having. We could all throw a million answers at me. It wouldn't matter though. We need to create a tool before we can use the tool. We already know what job needs to be done. So, creating the tool...
Clock time is different. It's kind of useful. Used for practical things like missing buses, missing appointments and being late for work.
We set practical goals for ourselves with clock time and when we lose touch with right here, right now we are no longer paying attention to the now but to the future which is never ever here. There will never be a time when it is ever not now. It is always now. When that happens now becomes a mere stepping stone into an illusion with no intrinsic value whatsoever. Wherever you go, there you fucking are. Here I fucking am. In the normal, mind identified bullshit state of consciousness. The infinite creative potential that lie concealed in the now are completely obscured by psychological time and I am TRAPPED!! Confined to short lived pleasures. Old patterns portraying the same players I cannot stand and that is the issue. I cannot stand those players and so they know it. The mind creates an obsession with the future as an escape from this craptastic present which is actually not craptastic at all. I just like to pretend so. It's another player.
What I perceive as future is an intrinsic part of my state of consciousness now. If my mind carries a heavy burden of past it will perpetuate itelf through lack of presence. The quality of my consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future - which, of course, can only ever be experienced as the now.
ohhh. sweet now. where have you been?
So then, I am thinking, if the quality of my consciousness at this moment determines the future then what determines the quality of my consciousness? My degree of presence in the now? so the only place where change can occur is now. The past must also be dissolved now.
I think I am making progress. I still talk to myself too much.
A few things to work on But only now and fully submersed in now.
I don't want to say I'll think about it tomorrow because its not now.
what time is now?
time to fall out of bed.
---------------------------

the silent watcher
behind the holy illusory
Ironic
how he and his lack of form
will encompass you
and you ask for more
but he's nothing to give
so full speed ahead
while floating in space
trajectories mapping the end
to the race
While the movement and motion
are all quantum leaps
and in between jumps
you are still asleep
Do not be concerned
with the fruit of your action
All bigger fruit
is just a distraction

Katrina at 9:44 PM

2006-10-15

I spent the weekend making out with the porcelain god. He smelled like toilet water and vomit. Not as enlightening as one would hope. Actually, I think I may have learned something. It's not a fun thing to learn though.
Another something I learned...
I can apparently play the guitar. I was not aware of this. I guess I can play a bongo pretty well too. I was also not aware of this. I don't know what gave me the urge to pick up these intruments on friday night but I did. I made two songs with paul. Don't ask me who he is exactly because I cannot remember for the life of me how we met these people and how we ended up playing the guitar and bongos until 6am in their apt. I'm thinking I should cut back on the beers.
I can play the bongo and the guitar. This is something new. This makes me happy.
I am positive when I purchase these two instruments I will surely find it just a fluke. I hope not.
Let us wait and see.
*enter crap poetry*

Theres that soul again
Sifting through the garbage
I see it every once in a while
Camping in halton hills
Driving on the 401
In the devils punchbowl
Stoneycreek
Theres that soul again
Blinking out the truths
Waving yellow flags against a white background
So easy to find
It just hurts the eyes to look

------------------

vagabond of the mind
A trip to hell and back
The nice seat on the floor
Is a comfort zone now
The world around me
Stopped seeming so abrasive
and I sit right right beside him
Because he points me at the sky
we relay our feelings
Back and forth
Between time
Our bodies don’t exist
And our thoughts can’t find words
We are underground
the only light I have
is what shines from his soul
It gives me the strength
To embrace the dark
The patience to wait
And the friend to remind me
When to reach for the spark

*exit crap poetry stage left*

Katrina at 6:42 PM

2006-10-13

It snowed yesterday. It was nice.
I also saw Kate and Yazan. It was nice too. They get along exceptionally well.
Kate got alot out. It was easy in the company I think.
I feel her pain.
Her heart deciphers his morse code metaphors. Quite a task. Sometimes you don't want to read what they have to dit-dit-dit across an ocean of noise. Sometimes, I'll bet, when she's dreaming he finds her there. Fingers dipped in red chaos to touch her with the dug-up bitter love. Searched for. She feels again and carnal magic assists in the disappearing act of desolation. Remembering paradise in sparkling black eyes. Fantasy so full of promise, like a night angels star dust.
The endless cycle between them....

I think I am more venting myself. I think she would relate here too though. There's no point in throwing blame around. It does not any good in any scenario.
I think, somewhere, everything glitters and you don't have to be asleep to see it.

Katrina at 7:40 AM

2006-10-12

I spend far too much talking to myself. Negotiating with myself about how I should maneuver myself along with my thoughts in order to portray myself as all the good in me and avoiding the bad. This will fade. Truth rears its head to beautiful to look at and I will run for cover.
I warn you people. Do not feed her. She bites when your fingers get to close.
I struggle with the whys. I should be making things simple with why nots. I should be untrying and free but I am forever tense and overthinking. I cannot breathe and I cannot relax.
There is a knot and it will not loosen the more I tamper with it the more tangled and enstared it becomes amongst things that do not matter.
I do not want apathy but I do not want to care too much.
I am uneasy with compassion. I don't want to seem dramatic.
I am the bearer of bad news but I don't want your negativity.
I will only dispense as much emotion as you show me. If I give too much I am made vulnerable.
I use more words than necessary to explain myself and I always end up ironically contradicting everything through these over detailed blathers.
None of this means anything.
Still I am talking to myself. Negotiating with myself. Still not being myself.

Katrina at 9:46 PM

It was a little house resembling a large shack or garage. White, with a sandbox attached to the side of it. To the left of the door and above that was a window. I am in the house and I am looking around I see two girls with long curly brown hair. They never turn around but I know who they are. I am being avoided. There is a post it note on the fridge. Tells me everything. I mention it and bring it up. I am then kicked out of this shack. He goes into the sandbox and grabs a gun, tells his friend to grab a gun and 'shoot the bitch'. I am running up a hill and there is one tree I am trying to manuever around. It somewhat moves with me but gives up when I notice there are about 300 people running with me. The one I notice the most is a small girl. She is a little slower so I make sure I stand behind her so she is sheltered from any bullets. I then get to the end of the field where it resembles a place I've seen in many dreams and it is almost a labrynthe. I climb up what reminds me of a mansion in spain somewhere. Then it takes me into a little city where I am walking and I feel like everyone wants to harm me. People are 'hungry' for somthing it seems. Something from me. In the dreams which I have had this part in I forget my shoes and some guy from inside the building brings them to me. This happens again. I walk back into the building and everything in this apt is brown and streaks of something looking like shit is all over the walls vertically and I see a bed in the dining room. It's unsheeted and yellowed and it has something written on it in what looks to be by method of burning. My mind had something translated for what the gibberish said but I can't remember now. I move on to the next room. To the left there is the same window I saw in the shack and I look to the right and there is two small adults. They should be bigger but they are not and they are dancing to what sounds like a mmusic box and they are unaware of my presence and they are black and white and the rest of the room is this yellow shit streaked walls. I look back at the bed with the message and I look at them and each time I do this they get smaller everytime I look back until they are both gone and I am in the room alone. I look back at the bed and the message is gone.
---------------------------------

After work today I went downtown to see my mom. As I was going to my bus stop after I was turning right on to richmond from horton and I seen this old man standing beside a cement pole. He was staring at me so i knew he would say something. He did (drunk in any case) not say what I had expected. 'Excuse me, could you help me with something?' 'whats that?' I said. He pointed to a billboard on the sign behind us. He said 'what does that sign say?' I read it back to him 'Single?, Lonely?, Walking?'. He then replied 'Oh thank god I thought I was going crazy!!' and walked away.
Me too buddy, me too.
About 12 steps later an old woman picks up a penny off the ground.
Something is going on. What is going on? No matter. I am feeling good.

I guess the 3 of us needed a little something today.

Katrina at 2:41 AM

I find comfort in the doorways.
This way I can see whats in the room. I can even learn about whats in the room. I never ever have to actually be in the room. The people in the room can still interact with me. I can still bring something to the room.
but.
I can always turn around and see the people in the hallway. I can still see the handles to the other doors. I never have the chance of being locked inside a room.
I am the first one out in case of emergency.
A bomb threat. tsunami. food fight. whatever.

If someone is wanting to move so far away that nothing is the same as right here right now.
I will come if you need a companion.

Katrina at 1:59 AM

2006-10-10

It's toonie tuesday everywhere today. It should be toonie tuesday for bulk amounts of tacky patterned fabric though. You never find that stuff on cheesy weekday deals. There is no toonie tuesday prostitution either. Probably for the better. That line up would be huge...or maybe the group would be big. I'm not in that area of expertise so I am not in the know when it comes to solicited sex.

This is a pointless entry. All of which are pretty pointless. Im going to keep it up though because next year I can read them and blame other things for present things (in the future). Like, blame my future escort self for past (now present)interests in toonie tuesday blow jobs and have a pretty fucked up excuse as to why im getting rich from sex coupons cut out of the pennysaver on saturdays.
'Toonie Tuesday Tickles'.

Glad thats out of the way. I think I'm just going to chat to myself here for a minute. I mean, Let's talk fancy bells. You know, the kind with big doves or something as the handle, something engraved on the outside of the bell part. Oh lets say *1974*. Normally in your grandmothers 3-tier cabinets and what not. A little tarnished brass bell. If she's fancy it might be porcelain and have an exotic place painted on it...oh you know, *niagara falls*.

What is it with old ladies and niagara falls souvenirs? My grandmother had niagara falls thimbles. She didn't even sew. Everything was brass otherwise with her though. In my opinion, there is something terribly wrong with brass. Like it was supposed to be something but never was finished. So it just looks like a solid fake gold sculpture or something with a colour that ends up resembling something along the lines of a puddle of oil in water after a while. Really, really bad idea. If you like brass, I commend you. A better person than I. Alot of people I find have those thin metal peacocks that both face opposite directions. Someone needs to bring them back, make them bigger and give them more colour. If the toonie tuesday tickles idea falls through I think that should be my backup plan. colourful peacocks for colourful people. wow. Thats horrible.
Try 2.
The pea, cock and colour company.
Thats better.

I wonder what my name is in swahili. Let me look it up.
Ok so with help from "Swahili Learners' Reference Grammar, by Katrina Daly Thompson." Which is not me, but now I wish I had thought of this question sooner. Perhaps, 15 years ago. Then it would be my name on that book. maybe not. Anyways, my name in swahili...was not found. Neither was 'I wish there was a name for me in swahili' and neither was 'whats going on here?' but I did find out that the word for 'bird' in swahili is nyuni or ndege. Depending on probably something you won't find if you look it up.

peace

Katrina at 10:24 PM

I survived easter/civic day for another year. I came out unscathed after enduring some stories I won't repeat here. The usual family squabbles. How many is too many in a kitchen? When people start to eat your face you should move along. Sit outside. Enjoy the autumn day. Jackie made it back from tiverton in time and turned out my saving grace. She was fishing. I was jealous.
At sarahs we opened old wounds by watching spice girls videos. Only time will heal.
Now, I must work. Long weekends get you used to not doing that.
blah.
Only a few weeks until the costumed candy giveaway contest. Im taking 4 pillowcases in my belt and Im going to hook up a u haul truck too. then all the candy I get Im going to pile up and jump into from a building. Only high enough for it to still remain fun though. Your kids can come. His kids too. Tell her kids to bring those kids...no really, I'm not one of 'those' people. I just like my friends to be my age. duh!
after that its 50+ days until stuffed socks and paper wasting day. you should wrap your presents in the clothes that you give to people. If you aren't giving clothes then just wrap it in the insides from a full vacuum bag.
reduce, reuse and recycle.

jump rope for heart too.

Katrina at 8:04 AM

2006-10-09

50 things that make me happy. No fancy order.

1. cardigans
2. paisley
3. pictures
4. fireflys
5. people that read to me
6. smiles
7. MUSIC
8. wray and nephew 75%
9. change
10.days off
11.bright colours
12.anything that makes me laugh
13.suspenders
14.blind river
15.violins
16.my horoscope
17.cooking
18.plants
19.outside
20.the giver
21.thrift stores
22.incense
23.candles
24.friends
25.boys that don't know what either mascara, 'poise' or a gurdle is.
-------------------------------
edit:7:02am title: I'm really such a silly girl.
Eric says (6:55 AM):
boys that don't know what either mascara, 'poise' or a gurdle is.
morning comes soon says (6:55 AM):
lmao
do you know??
Eric says (6:55 AM):
yeah
morning comes soon says (6:55 AM):
boo
i like when you pull out mascara
and a guys like
whats that?
Eric says (6:55 AM):
well...everyone knows what mascara is
morning comes soon says (6:56 AM):
some guys dont
if they dont watch tv
lol
Eric says (6:56 AM):
so you like guys that have never been around a woman for very long
morning comes soon says (6:56 AM):
right
lol
dammit
--------------------------------------
26.hipwaders
27.intuition
28.painting
29.warm things to drink
30.new socks
31.pajamas
32.pillows
33.3:33am/pm (this is an edit: I just realized I put that time in answer 33)
34.double dutch
35.children
36.beaches at night time
37.hiking
38.travelling
39.kisses
40.hugs
41.personal growth
42.truth
43.spontaneity
44.strange
45.rubix cubes
46.being high up
47.comfy beds
48.Love
49.hemp
50.wings

Katrina at 1:38 AM

2006-10-06

Today kermit, Is the letter Z!

Todays number is...

I am amazed I found the number 3 with bigbird in it.

So remember, todays letter is Z and todays number is 3.

You will now be plagued with Z's

and 3's and if you see a BMW Z3

this counts as a metaphysical attack on all fronts and

you must report to me immediately so we can discuss this issue further.

Have a great day!!!

Katrina at 4:05 AM

2006-10-05

Hugs

We need to do this in London.

Katrina at 2:43 AM

2006-10-04

"Experience does not ever err, it is only your judgement thats errs in promising itself results which are not caused by your experiments."
Leonardo da vinci said that to me. Today. On the bus on my way home.
I went downtown and shopped around city lights a bit. I found a book, that I judged by its cover, it has a pretty picture of a world with a man sticking his head out what is the end of the world and peering into the unknown. It's called 'the discoverers: a history of mans search to know his world and himself'. I can't put it down except for now which is to tell you to pick it up. Its by daniel j. boorstin. I have no idea who he is. Probably lives in kuwait. who knows. He sums the book up as 'the obstacles to discovery, the illusion of knowledge'. 716 pages of it. Interesting. The first part is on time. I don't know what it is about these books coming to me when im thinking about something. It's getting pretty cool though. The greatest part is all the facts he talks about. Such kind of underground tidbits of information. Off the beaten path. Alot about greeks, babylonians and egyptians history withe life. Which normally I wouldn't go for unless it's something the really piques my interest but this kind of history is the unboring kind (polar opposite of canadian history). Anyways, y'all can borrow it when I'm done. Sign up in the foyer.

I bought two books and I put one in my bag and started to read this one but when I went to grab my bus tickets there was a bee in the side pocket of my bag. Weird!
I have no idea how a bee got into my bag. I don't have anything against bees but i run from them. haha. Tragic story,stung twice in the same hour when I was like 6 or something. So, I dropped my bag and do the same run 10 feet away routine I always do when a bee enters my personal space(arms length for god sake, ARMS LENGTH!). There was a couple waiting for the bus too and they laughed at me. Like everyone always does. I wonder what that looks like from afar. I mean to someone who can't see the bee. Just me doing my bee dance in the middle of the sidewalk. It was worse because the bee must have thought himself a prisoner amongst the loose change in the pocket, he came out with a vengeance and followed me a bit. How many times bigger than a bee am I? Apparently not big enough. I cannot stare down the bee. They make me weak.

You do get more bees with honey though.

Katrina at 5:31 PM

A million maggots in a silk hat (me 3rd from middle left)
As punishment, the soles of your souls feet will be bastinadoed(sp?)!!!
No further will you go. In fact, do not pass go. Do not pick up a book. Do not seek meaningful relationships. Go directly to your own prison. No travelling involved.
I thought of an idea tonight. I won't talk about that one.
I then though of another idea.
A book about a girl, who in second period grade 9 math class , sticks a mcdonalds straw up her nose. Just as a 'for fun' kinda thing. To see how far she can push it. It goes so far it taps her frontal lobe and pushes the button for the shutter on her third eye to release. She goes crazy when all the metaphysical comes flooding in. Ends up becoming a huge spiritual figure in school. It gets so bad even the teachers are crying at her feet. She's spreading the word all over High school and all with a mcdonalds straw in her nose. Kurt cobain wrote about those times when you get goo in your eye and it makes everything blurry. 300 words of that.
I'm not quite as junkified. In the heroin way.
If it doesn't prove fruitful (in the sense that I forget about it tomorrow)
I can always give kudos to this professor. I guess they gave him a leave of absence for this. I think he's crazy fun and I want him to teach me lots of things. Like, how to say 'cmon dudes' the way he does. Watch.

Katrina at 3:34 AM

Katrina at 3:11 AM

2006-10-03

The woman that sat beside me on the bus smelled like a mix of pepper and that english soap I can't remember the name of..but I do know it was the fern scent. Pepper and fern do not go well together. Perhaps, I don't mix well with pepper and fern. She was nice though. Talked about the handbag this world is going to hell in. tragedy du jour. meh. I'm tired of hearing bad.

Do any of you guys know that man that normally walks around downtown, he used to have a dreadlock beard but he cut it off and his bags are always duct taped and he always carries the same bags? Always wears I think a brown or grey suit jacket. I heard that he is a self made millionaire last week. Has records that he made with his brother. I don't know if its true so next time I see him I am going to talk to him. Even so, I doubt he would actually let me in on this information, not that thats the info I'm seeking. He's completely modest and broken down to the point where I don't think telling me he's rich would make his day. Thats the part I want to know about. His life. Nonetheless, I always see him. I thought he was kind of symbolic of where I was at the time. He was always downtown when I used to mingle there. I never seen him anywhere else. Now, where I saw him was completely random and so was the person I was talking to about it, but the idea of him and where I was and my preconceived notions of him (sadly) and some things I think about myself we're very interesting. If I see him again, I will know things are well. I will also ask him to coffee.
Unlearn.

Matthew Good is a genius.

Katrina at 1:05 PM

2006-10-02

Dear darlin,Your mom, my friend
Left a message on my machine
She was frantic
Saying you were talking crazy.
That you wanted to do away with yourself.
Guess she thought I would be the perfect resort
Because weve had this inexplicable connection since our youth
And yes, theyre in shock
They are panicked
You and your chronic
Them and their drama
You this embarassment
Us in the middle of this delusion.
If we were our bodies,If we were our futures,If we were our defenses,
Id be joining you.
If we were our culture,If we were our leaders,If we were our denials,
Id be joining you.
I remember vividly a day years ago,
We were camping.
You knew more than you thought you should know.
You said i dont want ever to be brainwashed
And you were mindboggling, you were intense.
You were uncomfortable in your own skin.
You were thirsty,But mostly you were beautiful.If we were our nametags,
If we were our rejections,If we were our outcomes,Id be joining you.
If we were our indignities,If we were our successes,If we were our emotions,
Id be joining you.
You and i, were like four year olds.
We want to know why, and how come about everything.
We want to reveal ourselves at will, and speak our minds.
And never talk small talk and be intuitive,
And question mightily, and find God my tortured beacon.
We need to find like-minded companions.
If we were their condemnations,
If we were their projections,
If we were our paranoias,
Id be joining you.
If we were our incomes,
If we were our obsessions,
If we were our afflictions,
Id be joining you.

We need a reflection,
We need a really good memory.
Feel free to call me a little more often.

-alanis

Katrina at 10:04 AM

It's to early to pretend I'm smart. I can only pretend when I've had 2 coffees.
What's time anyways? (oh no not this again...see, always back to that. back to where? here? always back to here which is the there that never moves. dammit!)
----------
Before I became these things, I can remember being 3 things. Certain, possesive and unaware. Before I was those 3 things I can remember being interested, uninhibited and unworried.
There is something I do. I hope you aren't this insecure but I never....
....nope. Can't do it. overload.
----------
the snozberries taste like snozberries.

I'm going to be 22 in t-minus...sometime this month...y'all should come to ma party..even you folk in sarnia! I don't know whos putting it on but I know its a 3 way celebration. I think for me, Kate and sarah because we run on parallels with that birthday jazz. So it's likely to be pretty big and I think I will put up invites ALL OVER THE CITY when it comes time.
It's not that time yet.
I'm just a quick trigger when it comes to excitement.
Premature ejaculation issues.
I like alot of friends in one place.

Katrina at 5:50 AM

I was freaking out about time. I'm glad I've only ever searched out like-minded creatures and creatures that twitch and admit they are stranger than strange. Or else I think I would have jumped by now. Your twitches keep me alive.
I hate time. I hate the whole concept. What does it mean? nothing. It always come back to that for me. If it wasn't that it would be something else.
It's like, I am moving through space and the movement creates this time illusion.
Who coined time? I'm going to sue them, emotional stress.
It has officially conditioned me. I cannot escape it. I believed in time so much that I cannot forget it. Trying to is painful. Like forgetting your name. Goodluck. Name and time. traumatic.
I can't even explain it.

everything backwards.

Katrina at 2:19 AM

2006-10-01

There is a virus, the details are the infection, we only feel the symptoms.
Where's my kleenex?

Katrina at 11:14 PM

You can't grade yourself.
Love makes you an anthropologist of your own life.
What is that language that we back ourselves into?
Whatever it is it's like a bad translation. Many things can make it so.
Hearts do not view one another. My soul cannot see your soul. These things do not speak on their own. And words mean nothing. Whats left?
Why am I using words? I can't explain what I mean, ever.
try 2.
Some songs have 22 versions, in different languages. Not often exact translations. Language doesn't really work like that....
Bad try.
go 3.
Franz kafka only had 37 dreams he could recall in his whole life. Only one involved sex.
In that dream his friend max and himself go to a brothel. They each choose a girl. Amid sport Kafka has two thoughts. one, 'this is so much fun why isn't she asking me to pay?' Second, he looks at her back while she turns away and its covered with big red circles that are coming off on his hands like wax almost when he touches her.
In these two things, you can find my explanation.
Kafka can explain me better than I can.

Grade school wisdom says:
If I don't know the answer to a question. I'm going to skip that question. But, instead of me going back to it later. It will probably come to me.

Easy.

Katrina at 7:21 PM

2006-10-30

You Are 44% Abnormal

You are at medium risk for being a psychopath. It is somewhat likely that you have no soul. You are at high risk for having a borderline personality. It is very likely that you are a chaotic mess. You are at low risk for having a narcissistic personality. It is unlikely that you are in love with your own reflection. You are at medium risk for having a social phobia. It is somewhat likely that you feel most comfortable in your mom's basement. You are at low risk for obsessive compulsive disorder. It is unlikely that you are addicted to hand sanitizer.

Katrina at 1:54 AM

Katrina at 1:45 AM

2006-10-28

Music to my soul

Katrina at 6:36 AM

Katrina at 5:27 AM

After a story is told. The date becomes 11:11,11,11. In the Middle of May. Silence. Words begin again. It takes only seconds. Do you not feel as if you have lost a part of something? Lost in the process perhaps. Rooting through what should not be said, leaving very little of what can be said.
Uncovering secretly and covering. Which side of the door am I on? My job is to tell you. Right? You would be a better judge of character.
Other brave men have conquered these things.
Sokrates on his death bed:
"Krito, we owe a cock to asklepios. pay it back and don't forget"
"that", said Krito, "will be done, but now see if you have anything else to say".
Nov. 11, 11:11. Silence.
This is the uncovering. In his saying nothing in regards to this fact, we see the man he was.
Covering. We ask whats more implying on your death bed there is more to think about besides cock (ha!).
Selfish swims the lonely fish in water of his own.
I spend alot of time listening to stories I am not interested in. When i pretend I raise my eyes, I flow in and out of my surroundings, Head pollution and I shift my weight. Back and forth. In an out. I think I would not lose attention if I was intrigued. Why am I listening and yet not?
The great waiter.
This, fills me with fear. I have been aware of this for a while. I have hung it round my neck as a reminder. Everytime I feel your body tense for a story, change route. Move focus. Segway, segway, segway.
Here comes the irony.
For me,
when a story begins I brace for a climax, I wait for a release and when I receive it I gain from it. When I don't get this fix ( I wasn't fiending for anyways) I create my own hollow. This seems negative. 'that story wasn't good' or 'that didn't make any sense'.
I forget it is not my story.
So, If you are expecting more than nothing at all you expect far too much from someone who can give you no story. I can only spill mine and in my own way. If you are finding this confusing you should know I mean every word and I understand what I'm saying because its verbatim from inside. Even if you have a hard time. Sifting through things you don't need to. Just listen.
If this story is anti climatic I made it that way and you need not worry.
Make your own story.

Katrina at 3:41 AM

2006-10-27

Katrina at 5:05 AM

As I am walking
I can see the fallen leaves
As I pass the avenues
previously shaded by those
who clung to those branches
At the same time
up ahead you can see
whole trunks thrown down untouched
Curious.
The insouciance could escalate
Up further I can see
the proportions
of madness
against the horizon.
----------------
The sky at night is a momentus place.
Im sure you would agree. The stars to don't stop by day anywhere. They are burning bright even though you aren't looking. Even though you couldn't see them if you did. Anyways, you'd soon forget. Like two words in a complex sentence we sit juxtaposed, moving ahead. Eyes on the road. Take your eyes off the road, I keep thinking to myself. I'm not sure who I was talking to. Parataxis, in this case, is an electric fortified instant of language freezing on the surface, complete mystery underneath. The wisest of china tells us that 'shadow and body comfort one another'. This is reminescent of my childhood. Staring out the window of the car. Going on a trip away from everything I knew and nothing could ensnare my attention when I got there. I was inside. My father used to drive with his eyes also fixated on the road. Now, I sit next to this man(father?) like two stars hung in the middle of the universe, we are seemingly motionless as we hurdle towards each other at 186,213 miles per second engulfed in silence that could crack the wall. The sky at night is a momentus place.

Katrina at 2:52 AM

2006-10-26

in pondering mode again.
-------------------------
to the unrequitted
arm in arm into your mind never
this thought was there
but another was forever
----------------------
this is felt meaning

If you have felt
a tree turn to words
a wind feel like sobs
and a tickle from the moon
if you have felt
the clouds over australia
and the eyes of another
reflecting into yours across the ocean
if you have felt the mountains cower
the rain smile
the glass take a drink
the gravel on the road to nowhere
the voice of the wind
If you have felt something you can't explain
You have felt me deeply

Katrina at 4:29 AM

2006-10-25

We can't do too much. We don't feel right about it.
So, mostly we plant seeds. Just your regular gardeners. Planting seeds where we can. Sometimes they sprout, sometimes they don't. Sometimes they do sprout and then they get weed wacked. Just a fact. We've watched it happen. Sometimes we are the weed wacker. Sometimes we are the weed. Sometimes we are the water. Sometimes we are a flower. Sometimes you are all these things too. These are just the facts.
If you plant yourself a garden. Somethings bound to root. Somethings bound to not.
But, whatever makes it through the spring will live to see the summer.
It's just how it grows.
For Maciej,
forever in bloom.

Katrina at 5:30 AM

2006-10-24

One oct 28th mercury turns retrograde and I am going to a halloween party. I am thinking of dressing up in a red globe and walking backwards all night and actually being the mercury retrograde. It would be my craziest costume yet. No one would understand and it should work out even better considering I am not going to know anyone at this party, I am glad to make shitty first impressions.
I am a shitty first impression.
I'm eating curried chicken and rice. I really love curried chicken and rice.
There is nothing to do at 3:14 am.
Nothing.
All you can do is eat chicken and rice and talk to a virtual wall.
I wonder if curry stains your insides like it does everything else.
I really love curried chicken and rice.
*sigh*
Repetition causes seizures.
I'm going to bed now.

Katrina at 2:43 AM

2006-10-23

Ben takes a photo of himself everyday

lol I love thugged out ben.

Katrina at 12:26 PM

2006-10-22

This is a sweet corpse.
I'm diggin' the salvador-esque nature.
Far out!

Don't drown in the mirage guys.
It's just a mirage.

The get up and go, got up and went. Just now. Out the door.
Oh well, it's better than that time when the get up went up the go, you know what I mean.

My friend just turned 22. I've known her since we were 11. That makes me laugh. We've done alot of stupid shit together. I wouldn't take any of it back. She's laughing as she reads this I am sure of it. Not because its funny. Because she remembers that time we fought those guys in the elevator and she ate the wrong burger and we drank way too much and burned the pizza that set off the alarm at 7 am and woke up her mom, who was not happy even slightly about it. Especially because we were passed out.

What pizza?

Good times.

SOMEONE DO THIS FOR ME WHILE IM AT WORK

Katrina at 11:00 PM

2006-10-20

I need to shave my legs. I just don't give a shit though. Tonight I feel like I give a shit. Two shits even. At least I don't have dark hair. I suppose in that sense I have one hairy leg up on the pile.

Work is changing. My boss nabbed a contract which is good for him and I get a raise but my hours are going to change drastically because he is going to start another shift. This means I have to work afternoons because others are going to need supervision. ugh.
Afternoon shifts are corrosive to your life.
I hope it won't last long.

I went out for dinner tonight with friends. We went to Timbers chophouse. It's so ambient in there. I love it. They light candles for you. We were completely unambient. This is no matter. It was super nice and not as expensive as I thought it would be. So all of you should go. All of you should go together and take me too. We could reserve the whole upper floor. It would be a nice celebration. They have alot of wine too. Believe me I know. I think I drank half of it. It takes balls to go unoaked you know.
I feel like its saturday.
bye bye.

Katrina at 11:22 PM

I thought today was fucking friday. I came home just now and realised that I have to work tomorrow. That tomorrow is not saturday and that I don't have the schedule I thought I did. I normally work until noon on fridays. Today I worked until noon because we had no orders but when my boss told me I am only there until noon I thought friday. This whole day was my friday and now tomorrow I have to live friday all over again. It has completely changed my day. I completely am utterly confused.
What a manifestation.

Katrina at 12:51 AM

2006-10-19

I'm not sure any of us are meant to take on the diabolical in any other. How do you comfort the diabolical? Everthing in them becomes an iron hoop through you. You know what though? I'm not even sure I care. I'm not even sure it matters. I'm just so far in the unknown I have no idea what to know. I try to pretend. It's a bad habit. Enlightenment is useless.
It's a nice way of saying my ego thinks it is a super duper accomplishment.
You may be the extraordinary master of wisdom yourself, but there is no point in making other people feel miserable. An opinion of truth that makes sense, and wages war against anothers idea of truth is still a war. No matter who is right.
So, I'm going to try this. I'm going to put paper on the ground in the woods somewhere. I'm going to paint and draw on that paper. The bumpy lines can be like not knowing and my movements through brush and pencils can be like my useless attempts to make a smooth picture.
Then I can put into materialization what is going on exactly.
Something is going on but its all squiggly lines and water like paint splotches and I can't make out the picture.

I keep trying to tap blood out of thoughts.
diabolical.

Katrina at 12:37 AM

2006-10-18

If it doesn't work out you'll always have a vagina here to take refuge in.
I think christ experienced physical love.
I think he fucked death.
Death bent over the workbench.
Christ talking dirty.
Take me you bitch.
He knew where he was going.
Death clutching her scythe.
With closed eyes he
Vanquished her.
The triumph of life over death.
Love, in the greatest of physicality.

Even the pope likes a bumpy car ride.
Is a gravel road and bad shocks a sin?

Still watching for the one who flies. near the end of the world. With humble hunger. Quiet pangs of the heart. The one with tame fury. Edging on other borders. Crossing other boundaries.
I've never been to corrientes. It sounds pleasant.
Still watching for the one who is watching for the queen of polluting territories. Who will try to swallow you only to give birth to you again and again. Like, reading a poem that at the time makes you cry and the next morning means nothing. But we save it in hidden places just to search for it again.

(edit: I was just informed, in mexican culture death is female.)

Katrina at 9:25 PM

Lindsay is going to see an oncologist. Not a good thing. Positivity on the other hand is. Focus on the positive.

Katrina at 1:02 AM

2006-10-17

Apparently dallas green cleverly created the band name city&colour from his name. Dallas being and city and Green being a colour. If I were to use this same method to create my name it could be something like katrina = hurricane and cooper = sportswear.
Hurricane Sportswear. I think if it's not lucrative as a band name, it could make a wicked face value business. I mean what if you could take a hurricane head on while wearing the right protective gear? You could essentially play in a hurricane. Brings a new meaning to jumping in puddles. You'd be swimming with tsunamis and dancing with monsoons. We'd have to put warning labels on it all. For instance, 'DO NOT REMOVE DURING EYE OF STORM' Or 'We cannot be held responsible for any damage caused while wearing hurricane sportswear'. Hurricane sportswear is not guaranteed to preserve life quality.' and 'please storm responsibly'.
I think the states would market the shit out of something like that. All the while fucking up shipment to the southern states. Everyone in north dakota would have a hur-met.(?)
I don't work today. What a good day.

Katrina at 8:17 AM

'That's how you came here, like a star
without a name. Move across the night sky
with those anonymous lights.'

-rumi

Katrina at 12:31 AM

2006-10-16

Lucy sat in the chair
arms and legs and backs
straight
a sturdy foundation
for a future hunchback.
emotional scoliosis.
-----
I will show you pain
he pinched me.
I then thought I was dreaming

he said he didn't know
what apathetic meant
when i walked away
he said I didn't care
-------------------
The ashes don't fly
from trees up north
the smell of burning birch bark
always kept us grounded
----------
he picked up sticks
an twigs
and old dried leaves
to make a fire
from the old matchbook collection
---------

I wrote it down
but the whole time
I thought of saying it
letting it creep off my tongue
like lemmings off a cliff
one after one
watching them all
slowly fall
into the lake
melding into the body
of the one
whos movement is constant

Katrina at 11:50 PM

Build up of psychological time again. Indentification with the past and projection into the future. Lordy Lordy look who's forty and sporting a fashionable midlife crisis (It even comes in colours). I wonder how I can work through this psychological time issue I am having. We could all throw a million answers at me. It wouldn't matter though. We need to create a tool before we can use the tool. We already know what job needs to be done. So, creating the tool...
Clock time is different. It's kind of useful. Used for practical things like missing buses, missing appointments and being late for work.
We set practical goals for ourselves with clock time and when we lose touch with right here, right now we are no longer paying attention to the now but to the future which is never ever here. There will never be a time when it is ever not now. It is always now. When that happens now becomes a mere stepping stone into an illusion with no intrinsic value whatsoever. Wherever you go, there you fucking are. Here I fucking am. In the normal, mind identified bullshit state of consciousness. The infinite creative potential that lie concealed in the now are completely obscured by psychological time and I am TRAPPED!! Confined to short lived pleasures. Old patterns portraying the same players I cannot stand and that is the issue. I cannot stand those players and so they know it. The mind creates an obsession with the future as an escape from this craptastic present which is actually not craptastic at all. I just like to pretend so. It's another player.
What I perceive as future is an intrinsic part of my state of consciousness now. If my mind carries a heavy burden of past it will perpetuate itelf through lack of presence. The quality of my consciousness at this moment is what shapes the future - which, of course, can only ever be experienced as the now.
ohhh. sweet now. where have you been?
So then, I am thinking, if the quality of my consciousness at this moment determines the future then what determines the quality of my consciousness? My degree of presence in the now? so the only place where change can occur is now. The past must also be dissolved now.
I think I am making progress. I still talk to myself too much.
A few things to work on But only now and fully submersed in now.
I don't want to say I'll think about it tomorrow because its not now.
what time is now?
time to fall out of bed.
---------------------------

the silent watcher
behind the holy illusory
Ironic
how he and his lack of form
will encompass you
and you ask for more
but he's nothing to give
so full speed ahead
while floating in space
trajectories mapping the end
to the race
While the movement and motion
are all quantum leaps
and in between jumps
you are still asleep
Do not be concerned
with the fruit of your action
All bigger fruit
is just a distraction

Katrina at 9:44 PM

2006-10-15

I spent the weekend making out with the porcelain god. He smelled like toilet water and vomit. Not as enlightening as one would hope. Actually, I think I may have learned something. It's not a fun thing to learn though.
Another something I learned...
I can apparently play the guitar. I was not aware of this. I guess I can play a bongo pretty well too. I was also not aware of this. I don't know what gave me the urge to pick up these intruments on friday night but I did. I made two songs with paul. Don't ask me who he is exactly because I cannot remember for the life of me how we met these people and how we ended up playing the guitar and bongos until 6am in their apt. I'm thinking I should cut back on the beers.
I can play the bongo and the guitar. This is something new. This makes me happy.
I am positive when I purchase these two instruments I will surely find it just a fluke. I hope not.
Let us wait and see.
*enter crap poetry*

Theres that soul again
Sifting through the garbage
I see it every once in a while
Camping in halton hills
Driving on the 401
In the devils punchbowl
Stoneycreek
Theres that soul again
Blinking out the truths
Waving yellow flags against a white background
So easy to find
It just hurts the eyes to look

------------------

vagabond of the mind
A trip to hell and back
The nice seat on the floor
Is a comfort zone now
The world around me
Stopped seeming so abrasive
and I sit right right beside him
Because he points me at the sky
we relay our feelings
Back and forth
Between time
Our bodies don’t exist
And our thoughts can’t find words
We are underground
the only light I have
is what shines from his soul
It gives me the strength
To embrace the dark
The patience to wait
And the friend to remind me
When to reach for the spark

*exit crap poetry stage left*

Katrina at 6:42 PM

2006-10-13

It snowed yesterday. It was nice.
I also saw Kate and Yazan. It was nice too. They get along exceptionally well.
Kate got alot out. It was easy in the company I think.
I feel her pain.
Her heart deciphers his morse code metaphors. Quite a task. Sometimes you don't want to read what they have to dit-dit-dit across an ocean of noise. Sometimes, I'll bet, when she's dreaming he finds her there. Fingers dipped in red chaos to touch her with the dug-up bitter love. Searched for. She feels again and carnal magic assists in the disappearing act of desolation. Remembering paradise in sparkling black eyes. Fantasy so full of promise, like a night angels star dust.
The endless cycle between them....

I think I am more venting myself. I think she would relate here too though. There's no point in throwing blame around. It does not any good in any scenario.
I think, somewhere, everything glitters and you don't have to be asleep to see it.

Katrina at 7:40 AM

2006-10-12

I spend far too much talking to myself. Negotiating with myself about how I should maneuver myself along with my thoughts in order to portray myself as all the good in me and avoiding the bad. This will fade. Truth rears its head to beautiful to look at and I will run for cover.
I warn you people. Do not feed her. She bites when your fingers get to close.
I struggle with the whys. I should be making things simple with why nots. I should be untrying and free but I am forever tense and overthinking. I cannot breathe and I cannot relax.
There is a knot and it will not loosen the more I tamper with it the more tangled and enstared it becomes amongst things that do not matter.
I do not want apathy but I do not want to care too much.
I am uneasy with compassion. I don't want to seem dramatic.
I am the bearer of bad news but I don't want your negativity.
I will only dispense as much emotion as you show me. If I give too much I am made vulnerable.
I use more words than necessary to explain myself and I always end up ironically contradicting everything through these over detailed blathers.
None of this means anything.
Still I am talking to myself. Negotiating with myself. Still not being myself.

Katrina at 9:46 PM

It was a little house resembling a large shack or garage. White, with a sandbox attached to the side of it. To the left of the door and above that was a window. I am in the house and I am looking around I see two girls with long curly brown hair. They never turn around but I know who they are. I am being avoided. There is a post it note on the fridge. Tells me everything. I mention it and bring it up. I am then kicked out of this shack. He goes into the sandbox and grabs a gun, tells his friend to grab a gun and 'shoot the bitch'. I am running up a hill and there is one tree I am trying to manuever around. It somewhat moves with me but gives up when I notice there are about 300 people running with me. The one I notice the most is a small girl. She is a little slower so I make sure I stand behind her so she is sheltered from any bullets. I then get to the end of the field where it resembles a place I've seen in many dreams and it is almost a labrynthe. I climb up what reminds me of a mansion in spain somewhere. Then it takes me into a little city where I am walking and I feel like everyone wants to harm me. People are 'hungry' for somthing it seems. Something from me. In the dreams which I have had this part in I forget my shoes and some guy from inside the building brings them to me. This happens again. I walk back into the building and everything in this apt is brown and streaks of something looking like shit is all over the walls vertically and I see a bed in the dining room. It's unsheeted and yellowed and it has something written on it in what looks to be by method of burning. My mind had something translated for what the gibberish said but I can't remember now. I move on to the next room. To the left there is the same window I saw in the shack and I look to the right and there is two small adults. They should be bigger but they are not and they are dancing to what sounds like a mmusic box and they are unaware of my presence and they are black and white and the rest of the room is this yellow shit streaked walls. I look back at the bed with the message and I look at them and each time I do this they get smaller everytime I look back until they are both gone and I am in the room alone. I look back at the bed and the message is gone.
---------------------------------

After work today I went downtown to see my mom. As I was going to my bus stop after I was turning right on to richmond from horton and I seen this old man standing beside a cement pole. He was staring at me so i knew he would say something. He did (drunk in any case) not say what I had expected. 'Excuse me, could you help me with something?' 'whats that?' I said. He pointed to a billboard on the sign behind us. He said 'what does that sign say?' I read it back to him 'Single?, Lonely?, Walking?'. He then replied 'Oh thank god I thought I was going crazy!!' and walked away.
Me too buddy, me too.
About 12 steps later an old woman picks up a penny off the ground.
Something is going on. What is going on? No matter. I am feeling good.

I guess the 3 of us needed a little something today.

Katrina at 2:41 AM

I find comfort in the doorways.
This way I can see whats in the room. I can even learn about whats in the room. I never ever have to actually be in the room. The people in the room can still interact with me. I can still bring something to the room.
but.
I can always turn around and see the people in the hallway. I can still see the handles to the other doors. I never have the chance of being locked inside a room.
I am the first one out in case of emergency.
A bomb threat. tsunami. food fight. whatever.

If someone is wanting to move so far away that nothing is the same as right here right now.
I will come if you need a companion.

Katrina at 1:59 AM

2006-10-10

It's toonie tuesday everywhere today. It should be toonie tuesday for bulk amounts of tacky patterned fabric though. You never find that stuff on cheesy weekday deals. There is no toonie tuesday prostitution either. Probably for the better. That line up would be huge...or maybe the group would be big. I'm not in that area of expertise so I am not in the know when it comes to solicited sex.

This is a pointless entry. All of which are pretty pointless. Im going to keep it up though because next year I can read them and blame other things for present things (in the future). Like, blame my future escort self for past (now present)interests in toonie tuesday blow jobs and have a pretty fucked up excuse as to why im getting rich from sex coupons cut out of the pennysaver on saturdays.
'Toonie Tuesday Tickles'.

Glad thats out of the way. I think I'm just going to chat to myself here for a minute. I mean, Let's talk fancy bells. You know, the kind with big doves or something as the handle, something engraved on the outside of the bell part. Oh lets say *1974*. Normally in your grandmothers 3-tier cabinets and what not. A little tarnished brass bell. If she's fancy it might be porcelain and have an exotic place painted on it...oh you know, *niagara falls*.

What is it with old ladies and niagara falls souvenirs? My grandmother had niagara falls thimbles. She didn't even sew. Everything was brass otherwise with her though. In my opinion, there is something terribly wrong with brass. Like it was supposed to be something but never was finished. So it just looks like a solid fake gold sculpture or something with a colour that ends up resembling something along the lines of a puddle of oil in water after a while. Really, really bad idea. If you like brass, I commend you. A better person than I. Alot of people I find have those thin metal peacocks that both face opposite directions. Someone needs to bring them back, make them bigger and give them more colour. If the toonie tuesday tickles idea falls through I think that should be my backup plan. colourful peacocks for colourful people. wow. Thats horrible.
Try 2.
The pea, cock and colour company.
Thats better.

I wonder what my name is in swahili. Let me look it up.
Ok so with help from "Swahili Learners' Reference Grammar, by Katrina Daly Thompson." Which is not me, but now I wish I had thought of this question sooner. Perhaps, 15 years ago. Then it would be my name on that book. maybe not. Anyways, my name in swahili...was not found. Neither was 'I wish there was a name for me in swahili' and neither was 'whats going on here?' but I did find out that the word for 'bird' in swahili is nyuni or ndege. Depending on probably something you won't find if you look it up.

peace

Katrina at 10:24 PM

I survived easter/civic day for another year. I came out unscathed after enduring some stories I won't repeat here. The usual family squabbles. How many is too many in a kitchen? When people start to eat your face you should move along. Sit outside. Enjoy the autumn day. Jackie made it back from tiverton in time and turned out my saving grace. She was fishing. I was jealous.
At sarahs we opened old wounds by watching spice girls videos. Only time will heal.
Now, I must work. Long weekends get you used to not doing that.
blah.
Only a few weeks until the costumed candy giveaway contest. Im taking 4 pillowcases in my belt and Im going to hook up a u haul truck too. then all the candy I get Im going to pile up and jump into from a building. Only high enough for it to still remain fun though. Your kids can come. His kids too. Tell her kids to bring those kids...no really, I'm not one of 'those' people. I just like my friends to be my age. duh!
after that its 50+ days until stuffed socks and paper wasting day. you should wrap your presents in the clothes that you give to people. If you aren't giving clothes then just wrap it in the insides from a full vacuum bag.
reduce, reuse and recycle.

jump rope for heart too.

Katrina at 8:04 AM

2006-10-09

50 things that make me happy. No fancy order.

1. cardigans
2. paisley
3. pictures
4. fireflys
5. people that read to me
6. smiles
7. MUSIC
8. wray and nephew 75%
9. change
10.days off
11.bright colours
12.anything that makes me laugh
13.suspenders
14.blind river
15.violins
16.my horoscope
17.cooking
18.plants
19.outside
20.the giver
21.thrift stores
22.incense
23.candles
24.friends
25.boys that don't know what either mascara, 'poise' or a gurdle is.
-------------------------------
edit:7:02am title: I'm really such a silly girl.
Eric says (6:55 AM):
boys that don't know what either mascara, 'poise' or a gurdle is.
morning comes soon says (6:55 AM):
lmao
do you know??
Eric says (6:55 AM):
yeah
morning comes soon says (6:55 AM):
boo
i like when you pull out mascara
and a guys like
whats that?
Eric says (6:55 AM):
well...everyone knows what mascara is
morning comes soon says (6:56 AM):
some guys dont
if they dont watch tv
lol
Eric says (6:56 AM):
so you like guys that have never been around a woman for very long
morning comes soon says (6:56 AM):
right
lol
dammit
--------------------------------------
26.hipwaders
27.intuition
28.painting
29.warm things to drink
30.new socks
31.pajamas
32.pillows
33.3:33am/pm (this is an edit: I just realized I put that time in answer 33)
34.double dutch
35.children
36.beaches at night time
37.hiking
38.travelling
39.kisses
40.hugs
41.personal growth
42.truth
43.spontaneity
44.strange
45.rubix cubes
46.being high up
47.comfy beds
48.Love
49.hemp
50.wings

Katrina at 1:38 AM

2006-10-06

Today kermit, Is the letter Z!

Todays number is...

I am amazed I found the number 3 with bigbird in it.

So remember, todays letter is Z and todays number is 3.

You will now be plagued with Z's

and 3's and if you see a BMW Z3

this counts as a metaphysical attack on all fronts and

you must report to me immediately so we can discuss this issue further.

Have a great day!!!

Katrina at 4:05 AM

2006-10-05

Hugs

We need to do this in London.

Katrina at 2:43 AM

2006-10-04

"Experience does not ever err, it is only your judgement thats errs in promising itself results which are not caused by your experiments."
Leonardo da vinci said that to me. Today. On the bus on my way home.
I went downtown and shopped around city lights a bit. I found a book, that I judged by its cover, it has a pretty picture of a world with a man sticking his head out what is the end of the world and peering into the unknown. It's called 'the discoverers: a history of mans search to know his world and himself'. I can't put it down except for now which is to tell you to pick it up. Its by daniel j. boorstin. I have no idea who he is. Probably lives in kuwait. who knows. He sums the book up as 'the obstacles to discovery, the illusion of knowledge'. 716 pages of it. Interesting. The first part is on time. I don't know what it is about these books coming to me when im thinking about something. It's getting pretty cool though. The greatest part is all the facts he talks about. Such kind of underground tidbits of information. Off the beaten path. Alot about greeks, babylonians and egyptians history withe life. Which normally I wouldn't go for unless it's something the really piques my interest but this kind of history is the unboring kind (polar opposite of canadian history). Anyways, y'all can borrow it when I'm done. Sign up in the foyer.

I bought two books and I put one in my bag and started to read this one but when I went to grab my bus tickets there was a bee in the side pocket of my bag. Weird!
I have no idea how a bee got into my bag. I don't have anything against bees but i run from them. haha. Tragic story,stung twice in the same hour when I was like 6 or something. So, I dropped my bag and do the same run 10 feet away routine I always do when a bee enters my personal space(arms length for god sake, ARMS LENGTH!). There was a couple waiting for the bus too and they laughed at me. Like everyone always does. I wonder what that looks like from afar. I mean to someone who can't see the bee. Just me doing my bee dance in the middle of the sidewalk. It was worse because the bee must have thought himself a prisoner amongst the loose change in the pocket, he came out with a vengeance and followed me a bit. How many times bigger than a bee am I? Apparently not big enough. I cannot stare down the bee. They make me weak.

You do get more bees with honey though.

Katrina at 5:31 PM

A million maggots in a silk hat (me 3rd from middle left)
As punishment, the soles of your souls feet will be bastinadoed(sp?)!!!
No further will you go. In fact, do not pass go. Do not pick up a book. Do not seek meaningful relationships. Go directly to your own prison. No travelling involved.
I thought of an idea tonight. I won't talk about that one.
I then though of another idea.
A book about a girl, who in second period grade 9 math class , sticks a mcdonalds straw up her nose. Just as a 'for fun' kinda thing. To see how far she can push it. It goes so far it taps her frontal lobe and pushes the button for the shutter on her third eye to release. She goes crazy when all the metaphysical comes flooding in. Ends up becoming a huge spiritual figure in school. It gets so bad even the teachers are crying at her feet. She's spreading the word all over High school and all with a mcdonalds straw in her nose. Kurt cobain wrote about those times when you get goo in your eye and it makes everything blurry. 300 words of that.
I'm not quite as junkified. In the heroin way.
If it doesn't prove fruitful (in the sense that I forget about it tomorrow)
I can always give kudos to this professor. I guess they gave him a leave of absence for this. I think he's crazy fun and I want him to teach me lots of things. Like, how to say 'cmon dudes' the way he does. Watch.

Katrina at 3:34 AM

Katrina at 3:11 AM

2006-10-03

The woman that sat beside me on the bus smelled like a mix of pepper and that english soap I can't remember the name of..but I do know it was the fern scent. Pepper and fern do not go well together. Perhaps, I don't mix well with pepper and fern. She was nice though. Talked about the handbag this world is going to hell in. tragedy du jour. meh. I'm tired of hearing bad.

Do any of you guys know that man that normally walks around downtown, he used to have a dreadlock beard but he cut it off and his bags are always duct taped and he always carries the same bags? Always wears I think a brown or grey suit jacket. I heard that he is a self made millionaire last week. Has records that he made with his brother. I don't know if its true so next time I see him I am going to talk to him. Even so, I doubt he would actually let me in on this information, not that thats the info I'm seeking. He's completely modest and broken down to the point where I don't think telling me he's rich would make his day. Thats the part I want to know about. His life. Nonetheless, I always see him. I thought he was kind of symbolic of where I was at the time. He was always downtown when I used to mingle there. I never seen him anywhere else. Now, where I saw him was completely random and so was the person I was talking to about it, but the idea of him and where I was and my preconceived notions of him (sadly) and some things I think about myself we're very interesting. If I see him again, I will know things are well. I will also ask him to coffee.
Unlearn.

Matthew Good is a genius.

Katrina at 1:05 PM

2006-10-02

Dear darlin,Your mom, my friend
Left a message on my machine
She was frantic
Saying you were talking crazy.
That you wanted to do away with yourself.
Guess she thought I would be the perfect resort
Because weve had this inexplicable connection since our youth
And yes, theyre in shock
They are panicked
You and your chronic
Them and their drama
You this embarassment
Us in the middle of this delusion.
If we were our bodies,If we were our futures,If we were our defenses,
Id be joining you.
If we were our culture,If we were our leaders,If we were our denials,
Id be joining you.
I remember vividly a day years ago,
We were camping.
You knew more than you thought you should know.
You said i dont want ever to be brainwashed
And you were mindboggling, you were intense.
You were uncomfortable in your own skin.
You were thirsty,But mostly you were beautiful.If we were our nametags,
If we were our rejections,If we were our outcomes,Id be joining you.
If we were our indignities,If we were our successes,If we were our emotions,
Id be joining you.
You and i, were like four year olds.
We want to know why, and how come about everything.
We want to reveal ourselves at will, and speak our minds.
And never talk small talk and be intuitive,
And question mightily, and find God my tortured beacon.
We need to find like-minded companions.
If we were their condemnations,
If we were their projections,
If we were our paranoias,
Id be joining you.
If we were our incomes,
If we were our obsessions,
If we were our afflictions,
Id be joining you.

We need a reflection,
We need a really good memory.
Feel free to call me a little more often.

-alanis

Katrina at 10:04 AM

It's to early to pretend I'm smart. I can only pretend when I've had 2 coffees.
What's time anyways? (oh no not this again...see, always back to that. back to where? here? always back to here which is the there that never moves. dammit!)
----------
Before I became these things, I can remember being 3 things. Certain, possesive and unaware. Before I was those 3 things I can remember being interested, uninhibited and unworried.
There is something I do. I hope you aren't this insecure but I never....
....nope. Can't do it. overload.
----------
the snozberries taste like snozberries.

I'm going to be 22 in t-minus...sometime this month...y'all should come to ma party..even you folk in sarnia! I don't know whos putting it on but I know its a 3 way celebration. I think for me, Kate and sarah because we run on parallels with that birthday jazz. So it's likely to be pretty big and I think I will put up invites ALL OVER THE CITY when it comes time.
It's not that time yet.
I'm just a quick trigger when it comes to excitement.
Premature ejaculation issues.
I like alot of friends in one place.

Katrina at 5:50 AM

I was freaking out about time. I'm glad I've only ever searched out like-minded creatures and creatures that twitch and admit they are stranger than strange. Or else I think I would have jumped by now. Your twitches keep me alive.
I hate time. I hate the whole concept. What does it mean? nothing. It always come back to that for me. If it wasn't that it would be something else.
It's like, I am moving through space and the movement creates this time illusion.
Who coined time? I'm going to sue them, emotional stress.
It has officially conditioned me. I cannot escape it. I believed in time so much that I cannot forget it. Trying to is painful. Like forgetting your name. Goodluck. Name and time. traumatic.
I can't even explain it.

everything backwards.

Katrina at 2:19 AM

2006-10-01

There is a virus, the details are the infection, we only feel the symptoms.
Where's my kleenex?

Katrina at 11:14 PM

You can't grade yourself.
Love makes you an anthropologist of your own life.
What is that language that we back ourselves into?
Whatever it is it's like a bad translation. Many things can make it so.
Hearts do not view one another. My soul cannot see your soul. These things do not speak on their own. And words mean nothing. Whats left?
Why am I using words? I can't explain what I mean, ever.
try 2.
Some songs have 22 versions, in different languages. Not often exact translations. Language doesn't really work like that....
Bad try.
go 3.
Franz kafka only had 37 dreams he could recall in his whole life. Only one involved sex.
In that dream his friend max and himself go to a brothel. They each choose a girl. Amid sport Kafka has two thoughts. one, 'this is so much fun why isn't she asking me to pay?' Second, he looks at her back while she turns away and its covered with big red circles that are coming off on his hands like wax almost when he touches her.
In these two things, you can find my explanation.
Kafka can explain me better than I can.

Grade school wisdom says:
If I don't know the answer to a question. I'm going to skip that question. But, instead of me going back to it later. It will probably come to me.

Easy.

Katrina at 7:21 PM