2007-03-14

www.plainwater0.wordpress.com


im not posting here anymore. take that blogger!

Katrina at 11:49 PM

My friend Carmen came to visit me today. I love it when that happens because I can have a decent conversation with her and I never feel burdened when expunging details. She loves a good purge.
Our conclusion this afternoon?
We agreed that we are in the exact same situation right now and that we are weak and pathetic for pretending out situations are 'different'.
We've been here before.
We are selfish and we wouldn't deserve the outcomes we'd like to see anyways. Our karmic evaluation is coming up and we will wait for results in the mail. Won't be pretty.
Instant karma is self explanatory.
Otherwise, always a good laugh with Carmen.

The word of the day is Listless.
In greek, άτονος.
We can't know what people think not even when they tell us.

Katrina at 8:10 PM

2007-03-12

poetry is a shit fart

man in the sun
she reads to me from the New Yorker
which I don't buy, don't know
how they get in here, but it's
something about the Mafia
one of the heads of the Mafia
who ate too much and had it too easy
too many fine women patting his
walnuts, and he got fat sucking at good
cigars and young breasts and he
has these heart attacks - and so
one day somebody is driving him
in his big car along the road
and he doesn't feel so good
and he asks the boy to stop and let
him out and the boy lays him out
along the road in the fine sunshine
and before he dies he says:
how beautiful life can be, and
then he's gone.

sometimes you've got to kill 4 or 5
thousand men before you somehow
get to believe that the sparrow
is immortal, money is piss and
that you have been wasting
your time.

------------
"Being in love, is like crossing a river waist deep,
while holding a trashcan of piss over your head"

"I closed my eyes and listened to the waves.
Thousands of fish out
there, eating eachother. Endless mouths
 and assholes swallowing and
shiting. The whole earth was nothing
but mouths and assholes swallowing
and shiting, and fucking."

"poetry is a shit fart"

Bukowski is my new fixation. I heard about him in
a song, I hadn't before.
He really is an asshole but its the funniest
shit I've read in months. It
might not be so funny if everything he said
wasn't the truth. I mean sure, we'd all
love to say everything is peaches and
cream all the time but lets be real.
which reminds me of elliot smith.
'you ask me how I am, so I say what I should,
I'm doing ok, pretty good.'

Katrina at 8:18 PM

I was listening to 94.9 this morning. Yay for diversity because as I was listening I was somewhat lost in my book and hearing what was being said. on the radio they were talking about buddhism and the problem with eating meat if you are a buddhist and they quoted this:
"All the arguments to prove man's superiority cannot shatter this hard fact: in suffering the animals are our equals." - P.S.
good point. unfortunately, i can't help but feel for the carrots. The grass we walk on. The air we pollute. These things, at this point, cannot be helped. Sad as it is, none can escape from any of it, on any level. We are all dirty and it's not from the dirt.
Also, Between the big crunch and the big chill. Big crunch would provide the seed for another big bang. The big chill just sucks if you ask me... If omega is exactly 1 then the universe would reach an equilibrium, of course this is the most emotionally appealing.
side note for a moment, i guess that there are different theories about time speeding up with age. if you ask me i think age should be irrelevant. I think (of course) 'time' speeds up as you get closer to a vibration that resonates at a higher frequency.
Theres alot of information available on frequency harmonics, and experiencing time lapse with various vibrations in specific Khz. It is said, by adjusting the frequency a person is perceiving can alter time and perspective. As I know it, frequency harmonics are even used is the medical field to treat psychological problems namely at the RMHC here in London. Anyway, It is said (I haven't verified it personally :)...) that the resonant frequency of the Earth has been rising. For the last century, the resonant frequency of the earth was always 7.8 Hz. This is why the military based radio communications on 7.8 Hz. In recent years, the frequency of the earth has been recorded to peak over 11 Hz. 3.2 higher than normal...I blame technology...moving on... It seems spirals are in the creation guidebooks. Spirals show up everywhere. From the ocean floors. to the high heavens. spirals are everywhere. Sea Shells are often spirals, many insects are spirals, whirlwinds, whirlpools, tornado's, even black holes and planets follow spiral formats. perhaps time is like a spiral. With each passing revolution you get closer to the center. Eacjh passing revolution causes time to accelerate. In this fashion, time would speed up with each passing second. As you approach the end of the spiral (center). the spiral would be something like an energy sink and when we drop a rock into it you can see the rings spread out. the farther away from the center the less movement there is...the energy is the same but its not vibrating at the frequency it once was. Since we have evolution and we are obviously moving ahead in our spiritual development ( i think almost everyone I talk to has something to say, this was not the case at this time last year but it could be for other reasons such as who I seek out...)
for myself, if I had to pick one of those three theories, I would want it to be the big crunch because it could spark a big bang and that would mean we are falling back into outselves. a big bang is all energy how could it possibly be a bad thing???
I don't know anything about anything but if time is infact speeding up, either old or young, I think it might be a good idea to know why.

Katrina at 3:19 PM

luscher test

PROBLEM UNDERLYING THE PRESENT STRESS -- The fear that s/he may be prevented from achieving the things s/he wants leads him/her to play his part with an urgent and hectic intensity. Lacks faith in his/herself and wants things to happen quickly rather than waiting for a longterm projects to complete.
(I was just talking about this today)
DESIRED OBJECTIVE -- Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics skillfully so as to avoid endangering his/her chances of success or undermining others confidence in him/herself.
(overcompensation..woo!)
CURRENT INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR -- Believes that s/he is not receiving his share -- that s/he is neither properly understood nor adequately appreciated. Feels that s/he is being compelled to conform, and close relationships leave him/her without any sense of emotional involvement.


labels....
let me make it easy...
don't be disappointed, I will let you down.

Katrina at 2:12 AM

bonnie 'prince' billy - grand dark feeling of emptiness

Whell I felt like I was born today
So I took it upon me to go away
To gather my thoughts and go away
Where I could (be used by) somebody

Now over the hill, like always you know
Were Billy and Frankie and Henry and Joe
And they beat and broke me hard and slow
To prove I was nobody

And no-one I was and so I remained
Knocked-out in a hut, no mother, no name
And filled up my heart with one and the same
That grand dark feeling of emptiness

And was it a friend that turned me loose
Or was it a girl come to baste my goose
Or was it my great god who laid on his finger
And started my clock anew

Ah no, it was rain ; ah no, it was gunning
It was point-break and buckle and singing and cunning
That skinned me, re-skinned me and started me running
And I never looked back from then on

And now I am learning bit by bit
About the make and model shit
The muddy bowl I live in it
And all the mucks that tire us
And I'm afeared if I don't have
A piglet, lamb or little calve
I'll chop my human-ness in half
And be as worm or virus

But kids I've had, and they are sung
Upon folks' ears my babes are hung
Rhythmically they live among
And grow but don't get old
Not in a box, not in a void
Not if their voice is never hoid
Nor if no-one repeats a woid
But if their tune is told

Then we can age and fall away
To meet again some golden day
And fill it in our happy way
In starlight and in gold

Katrina at 1:40 AM

2007-03-09

pee/drink break at 3am

Apparently Nikki's last name is potterhead. I laughed out loud because we were getting high when she filled me in about it. I think that's golden. Also, in showing some pictures to amanda tonight we had a good laugh as I filled her in on escapades that she was found too late to be a part of. I love looking back on things i've done because it reminds me how much i've done. stupid and smart. silly and serious. etc and etc. All making the person I am today. I liked today..can you tell?? All day I worked on keeping eye contact with everyone I talked to. I think it makes someone seem more sincere when they are focused. I want people to think I am sincere because I am. I do have a habit of wandering eyes when I talk to people so i'll have to work on that.
I also have a new friend in my house. A little kitten. Her name is Lux (which is latin for light...not radiant light but light that causes flux when it is added to nux...nux + lux = flux, flux - lux = lumen....read about it...) So, she's really cute. I think i'm going to play with her alot and see if I can teach her to pee on the toilet like a good pussy. Anyways, I'm glad the weekend is here. I think I'm going to go back to bed now.
Night guys.

Katrina at 2:55 AM

2007-03-08

anne carson

I read my favourite book again today. The good thing about favourite books is that they never cease to amaze you. For instance, one of my favourites is plainwater by Anne Carson. It's 98% poetic. She never describes a situation for what it is, she will compare it to one thing with the craziest imagery and then use another image to fight it so you are bound to see exactly what she sees. It's fantastic anyways. The greatest thing about it is everytime I re-read it I get something new from it. She quotes alot of basho and rumi throughout and alot of chinese wisdom. I also love how she will state one thing... make you forget what she said and then tighten it all up at the end of that particular piece so it all makes one huge metaphor for how she felt when she was making breakfast that morning. Just a crazy book. If you love poetry you'll love it. I am very satisfied that she's realistic as well. Not too much boo hoo im a girl and hurting bullshit because the book is based alot on her relationships with men of different sorts including her father. grounded.

Heres something kind of sad from the book:

"Kinds of water drown us. Kinds of water do not. My water jar splashes companiably on my back as I walk. A pool of thoughts tilts this way and that in me. Sokrates, after bathing, came back to his cell hurriedly and drank the hemlock. The others wept. Swans swam in around him. And he began to talk about the ocming journey, to an unknown place far from their tears, which he did not understand. People really understand very little of one another. Sometimes when I speak to him, my Cid looks very hard and straight into my face as if in search of something (a city on a map?) like someone who has tumbled off a star. But he is not the one who feels alien - ever, i think. He lives in a small country of hope, which is his heart. Like Sokrates fails to understand why travel should be such a challenge to the muscles of the heart, for other people. Around every bend of road is a city of gold, isn't it? I am the kind of person who thinks, no, probably not. And we walk, side by side, in different countries. Pilgrims were people in exile."

I can't help but love it.

Katrina at 6:45 PM

2007-03-07

catharsis

I remember 3 conversations. It would be far more accurate to say I cannot forget 3 conversations. I can't remember anything most of the time. Nothing I want to remember anyways. I cannot forget these 3 conversations and they constantly burn me. In fact, they are burning holes right through me now and there is nothing I can do to stop it, for some reason.
There are times when I would say to other people to take action. DO SOMETHING. or DONT DO SOMETHING. When it comes right down to it, I do nothing. In doing nothing I am not to blame nor am I given credit. too modest for credit, too burdened with blame. I lack faith. I omit pieces of myself in order to stay completely neutral in any given situation. I am unmoved. I am apathetic. Seemingly (I am so good at making you think otherwise how could I possibly stop?). Sometimes things make me cringe. I mean really think to myself about something and cringe to the point where you would swear I was reliving a situation only this time everyone was watching from behind my eyes. This is a good sign that maybe, just maybe, these things should be learned from. That possibly I am not doing what it is I would like to be doing. Instead running in circles seems to be my favourite pastime. It just seemed that for a long while there things were changing and I was learning and now it has stopped slightly. I just keep telling myself that after the hustle and bustle dies down that something will be gained from a whole lot of wasted energy on my part. Thats the biggest and most terrible lie i could tell myself. The hustle and bustle won't stop...thats life. I would warn others against this. I cannot pretend that in moving negative around you all that negative will not expand its evil arms around me again.
I tried convincing my cousin that her problem was fearful avoidant attachment. Isn't that funny? What's also funny is that people will tell you, O they will tell you, About how different you are, How much they aspire to think like you, How much they wish they thought of that first, You're so this, so that, we dont understand you and we love you....You do not know the hinderance of things like these. I think like this because I think to much and in order to keep myself clean I must cover all the angles. Thats all im doing. In doing nothing I am doing everything only for myself because when you don't know you can't see me and I won't feel as small as I feel I am.

On a lighter note, pain precedes change precedes growth....repeat to infinity.

Katrina at 1:04 AM

2007-03-06

Sky Gilbert - Montreal Soir

Peter had invited me for coffee, first,
at that restaurant with the unpronouncable name
and of course he was sitting there with James.
I was impressed, as well I should be.
(Isn't it interesting the way people introduce the ones they love? "Sky this
is James", and of course, I tripped and almost fell into him and then he
wanted to know about my tattoo. It's important not to be too fascinating-
result: jealousy, or too disinterested- result: hurt)
James asked about the various forms of neuroses and Peter was in his
element- father, teacher, pedant, wit:
"Well Gestalt describes three types of neurosis: projection, introjection
and retrogression."
Peter and I agree that we have all three. James is confused and interested,
and goes home, almost stealing Peter's hat.
As Peter and I make our trek to the strip bar I realize that the poets are
wrong; one-sided love is not hopeless - it's the other way around. Peter and
James are clearly in love with each other equally, and that of course is why
they will never be happy together. The obsession is too equal. Neither is
crying and sighing hopelessly. Neither is telling the other what to do
(I.E.: MARRIAGE). Two people equally in love? That's a stalemate, a prison,
two pairs of eyes endlessly staring fearfully into the void. Dare I know
that soul (it loves me as I love it)? Why no, I dare not.
And we're at the strip bar and the boys whirl perilously around us. One boy
has made pants out of ripped jeans and a pair of chaps. Another surprises us
with his long cock. Another sits, pouting, by the slot machine, but every
time he moves, Peter and I gasp.
And of course these boys make me think about death. As they always do.
For those who are obsessed with the body are obsessed with death. We are all
too aware of how the body changes. Each pimple, each wrinkle, announces
death's imminence. And you can lock yourself in your house and roll up your windows and make dinner.
Or you can throw yourself into the body of that young man, with every ounce
of fury you have left.
Death will come either way. But we imagine that watching it's inevitable
approach is a kind of cheat, is beating the game.
And we are always running, with our back to the moon, and hiding, with our
face in the sun, and yelling, with the music in our ears.
Our desperate escapes! How we love them, as we love our boys, and though we
are reluctant to admit it, they love us too.
Or then again, perhaps we're just two old queens sipping beer at the Adonis,
and it needn't be any more important than that.

Katrina at 11:23 AM

2007-03-05

the height of frustration

Katrina at 10:28 PM

I love e e cummings

seeker of truth

follow no path
all paths lead where

truth is here

-seeker of truth
--------------------
i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

-i like my body when its with your
--------------------------------
if I should sleep with a lady called death
get another man with firmer lips
to take your new mouth in his teeth
(hips pumping pleasure into hips).

Seeing how the limp huddling string
of your smile over his body squirms
kissingly, I will bring you every spring
handfuls of little normal worms.

Dress deftly your flesh in stupid stuffs,
phrase the immense weapon of your hair.
Understanding why his eye laughs,
I will bring you every year

something which is worth the whole,
an inch of nothing for your soul.

-if i should sleep with a lady called death
----------------------------------------

in a middle of a room
stands a suicide
sniffing a Paper rose
smiling to a self

"somewhere it is Spring and sometimes
people are in real:imagine
somewhere real flowers,but
I can't imagine real flowers for if I

could,they would somehow
not Be real"
(so he smiles
smiling)"but I will not

everywhere be real to
you in a moment"
The is blond
with small hands

"& everything is easier
than I had guessed everything would
be;even remembering the way who
looked at whom first,anyhow dancing"

(a moon swims out of a cloud
a clock strikes midnight
a finger pulls a trigger
a bird flies into a mirror)

- in the middle of a room
--------------------------------------
somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

-somewhere I have never travelled, gladly beyond
------------------------------------------------------
but if a living dance upon dead minds
why,it is love;but at the earliest spear
of sun perfectly should disappear
moon's utmost magic,or stones speak or one
name control more incredible splendor than
our merely universe, love's also there:
and being here imprisoned,tortured here
love everywhere exploding maims and blinds
(but surely does not forget,perish, sleep
cannot be photographed,measured;disdains
the trivial labelling of punctual brains...
-Who wields a poem huger than the grave?
from only Whom shall time no refuge keep
though all the weird worlds must be opened?

- but if a living dance upon dead minds

Katrina at 7:16 PM

weird dreams.

I like to dream that I'm with people that I don't know. I'm not exactly sure why. Anyways, below explains two dreams I had last night.

The first dream was nothing but what seemed like 4 pictures in my head. A girl washing a linoleum floor in an old victorian house. Then I was looking in the bucket but it was empty. Then she stood up. Then she had turned around looking at me.

In the second one. I was going to visit someone I knew. We were at some practice for a basketball game. I wasn't on the team so I waited out back of the building on this beach chair and having some drinks and relaxing with another person that was waiting. Once the practice was done there was a boy that came out and asked me what I was doing after. mentioned something about a frat party and that I could come because I knew one of the guys on the team. So, we go to this party and I find myself in a bedroom with 4 girls and they are all explaining to me how to be this and be that and what life is all about from their point of view. So i cut it short and asked if they wanted to do something that I can't remember now(i think it had something to do with changing their minds) and they all freaked out about what their boyfriends would do....what the other sisters would say....etc. So, then I wake up in bed with my friend and two other people. My friend went to do something and i was chatting in bed with the other two that I believe are a couple and then some angry frat boy rushes in...freaks out on me for letting it happen. It wouldn't have happened if I didn't change their minds because they never thought this way before. The weird part is the end when they all decided to leave they all had what looked like little computer chips in the back of their arms.
weird.
Both dreams made me feel detached and unnoticed. As if I was just wandering around my dream watching and not taking any part in the action going on around me.

I had nothing else to write about.

Katrina at 7:14 AM

2007-03-01

junk

I think it's very peculiar that songs I used to listen to growing up and in school, that I really loved, are the songs that are now pertaining directly to things that happen. Also, I think it also queer that I did not know the meanings behind these songs nor what a metaphor was when I was in grade 4. Still, for some reason I listen to these songs that are somewhat nostaligic for me now and I am seeing a distinct correlation between these songs and myself.
I think it could be that I'm getting older. Gaining experience. I am able to relate fairly easily to most people. Now, through music more than ever.
On a side note, I would like to thank one person for confirming I am not crazy and another person for confirming that I am.
It's all about the balance.
It's all so deep it's meaningless.
Also, I thought it time to work again. So, I lined myself up with some interviews with conglomerates and the like. Two tomorrow and two on monday. Probably more in the making somewhere. Time to keep a little busier again and stop getting into so much trouble with myself.
Idle hands...
Where did my hobbies go anyways?

Katrina at 11:50 AM

I love you.

Chris called me an hour hour. Which made it 7:30. Told my mom to wake me up and when I get on the phone he said this or something like it. 'Hey Katrina, I just called to tell you I love you does that piss you off?'. No, not at all. He said he's turning over a new leaf and wants to call the people he loves everyday and tell them that he loves them. I said it may prove tedious on mornings after a party but i'll never complain. So, this is relevant to the post below because I wanted to meet more people with their hearts on their sleeves. Maybe, I just want everyone to wear their hearts on their sleeves. If they want to.

Katrina at 8:36 AM

2007-03-14

www.plainwater0.wordpress.com


im not posting here anymore. take that blogger!

Katrina at 11:49 PM

My friend Carmen came to visit me today. I love it when that happens because I can have a decent conversation with her and I never feel burdened when expunging details. She loves a good purge.
Our conclusion this afternoon?
We agreed that we are in the exact same situation right now and that we are weak and pathetic for pretending out situations are 'different'.
We've been here before.
We are selfish and we wouldn't deserve the outcomes we'd like to see anyways. Our karmic evaluation is coming up and we will wait for results in the mail. Won't be pretty.
Instant karma is self explanatory.
Otherwise, always a good laugh with Carmen.

The word of the day is Listless.
In greek, άτονος.
We can't know what people think not even when they tell us.

Katrina at 8:10 PM

2007-03-12

poetry is a shit fart

man in the sun
she reads to me from the New Yorker
which I don't buy, don't know
how they get in here, but it's
something about the Mafia
one of the heads of the Mafia
who ate too much and had it too easy
too many fine women patting his
walnuts, and he got fat sucking at good
cigars and young breasts and he
has these heart attacks - and so
one day somebody is driving him
in his big car along the road
and he doesn't feel so good
and he asks the boy to stop and let
him out and the boy lays him out
along the road in the fine sunshine
and before he dies he says:
how beautiful life can be, and
then he's gone.

sometimes you've got to kill 4 or 5
thousand men before you somehow
get to believe that the sparrow
is immortal, money is piss and
that you have been wasting
your time.

------------
"Being in love, is like crossing a river waist deep,
while holding a trashcan of piss over your head"

"I closed my eyes and listened to the waves.
Thousands of fish out
there, eating eachother. Endless mouths
 and assholes swallowing and
shiting. The whole earth was nothing
but mouths and assholes swallowing
and shiting, and fucking."

"poetry is a shit fart"

Bukowski is my new fixation. I heard about him in
a song, I hadn't before.
He really is an asshole but its the funniest
shit I've read in months. It
might not be so funny if everything he said
wasn't the truth. I mean sure, we'd all
love to say everything is peaches and
cream all the time but lets be real.
which reminds me of elliot smith.
'you ask me how I am, so I say what I should,
I'm doing ok, pretty good.'

Katrina at 8:18 PM

I was listening to 94.9 this morning. Yay for diversity because as I was listening I was somewhat lost in my book and hearing what was being said. on the radio they were talking about buddhism and the problem with eating meat if you are a buddhist and they quoted this:
"All the arguments to prove man's superiority cannot shatter this hard fact: in suffering the animals are our equals." - P.S.
good point. unfortunately, i can't help but feel for the carrots. The grass we walk on. The air we pollute. These things, at this point, cannot be helped. Sad as it is, none can escape from any of it, on any level. We are all dirty and it's not from the dirt.
Also, Between the big crunch and the big chill. Big crunch would provide the seed for another big bang. The big chill just sucks if you ask me... If omega is exactly 1 then the universe would reach an equilibrium, of course this is the most emotionally appealing.
side note for a moment, i guess that there are different theories about time speeding up with age. if you ask me i think age should be irrelevant. I think (of course) 'time' speeds up as you get closer to a vibration that resonates at a higher frequency.
Theres alot of information available on frequency harmonics, and experiencing time lapse with various vibrations in specific Khz. It is said, by adjusting the frequency a person is perceiving can alter time and perspective. As I know it, frequency harmonics are even used is the medical field to treat psychological problems namely at the RMHC here in London. Anyway, It is said (I haven't verified it personally :)...) that the resonant frequency of the Earth has been rising. For the last century, the resonant frequency of the earth was always 7.8 Hz. This is why the military based radio communications on 7.8 Hz. In recent years, the frequency of the earth has been recorded to peak over 11 Hz. 3.2 higher than normal...I blame technology...moving on... It seems spirals are in the creation guidebooks. Spirals show up everywhere. From the ocean floors. to the high heavens. spirals are everywhere. Sea Shells are often spirals, many insects are spirals, whirlwinds, whirlpools, tornado's, even black holes and planets follow spiral formats. perhaps time is like a spiral. With each passing revolution you get closer to the center. Eacjh passing revolution causes time to accelerate. In this fashion, time would speed up with each passing second. As you approach the end of the spiral (center). the spiral would be something like an energy sink and when we drop a rock into it you can see the rings spread out. the farther away from the center the less movement there is...the energy is the same but its not vibrating at the frequency it once was. Since we have evolution and we are obviously moving ahead in our spiritual development ( i think almost everyone I talk to has something to say, this was not the case at this time last year but it could be for other reasons such as who I seek out...)
for myself, if I had to pick one of those three theories, I would want it to be the big crunch because it could spark a big bang and that would mean we are falling back into outselves. a big bang is all energy how could it possibly be a bad thing???
I don't know anything about anything but if time is infact speeding up, either old or young, I think it might be a good idea to know why.

Katrina at 3:19 PM

luscher test

PROBLEM UNDERLYING THE PRESENT STRESS -- The fear that s/he may be prevented from achieving the things s/he wants leads him/her to play his part with an urgent and hectic intensity. Lacks faith in his/herself and wants things to happen quickly rather than waiting for a longterm projects to complete.
(I was just talking about this today)
DESIRED OBJECTIVE -- Preoccupied with things of an intensely exciting nature, whether erotically stimulating or otherwise. Wants to be regarded as an exciting and interesting personality with an altogether charming and impressive influence on others. Uses tactics skillfully so as to avoid endangering his/her chances of success or undermining others confidence in him/herself.
(overcompensation..woo!)
CURRENT INAPPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR -- Believes that s/he is not receiving his share -- that s/he is neither properly understood nor adequately appreciated. Feels that s/he is being compelled to conform, and close relationships leave him/her without any sense of emotional involvement.


labels....
let me make it easy...
don't be disappointed, I will let you down.

Katrina at 2:12 AM

bonnie 'prince' billy - grand dark feeling of emptiness

Whell I felt like I was born today
So I took it upon me to go away
To gather my thoughts and go away
Where I could (be used by) somebody

Now over the hill, like always you know
Were Billy and Frankie and Henry and Joe
And they beat and broke me hard and slow
To prove I was nobody

And no-one I was and so I remained
Knocked-out in a hut, no mother, no name
And filled up my heart with one and the same
That grand dark feeling of emptiness

And was it a friend that turned me loose
Or was it a girl come to baste my goose
Or was it my great god who laid on his finger
And started my clock anew

Ah no, it was rain ; ah no, it was gunning
It was point-break and buckle and singing and cunning
That skinned me, re-skinned me and started me running
And I never looked back from then on

And now I am learning bit by bit
About the make and model shit
The muddy bowl I live in it
And all the mucks that tire us
And I'm afeared if I don't have
A piglet, lamb or little calve
I'll chop my human-ness in half
And be as worm or virus

But kids I've had, and they are sung
Upon folks' ears my babes are hung
Rhythmically they live among
And grow but don't get old
Not in a box, not in a void
Not if their voice is never hoid
Nor if no-one repeats a woid
But if their tune is told

Then we can age and fall away
To meet again some golden day
And fill it in our happy way
In starlight and in gold

Katrina at 1:40 AM

2007-03-09

pee/drink break at 3am

Apparently Nikki's last name is potterhead. I laughed out loud because we were getting high when she filled me in about it. I think that's golden. Also, in showing some pictures to amanda tonight we had a good laugh as I filled her in on escapades that she was found too late to be a part of. I love looking back on things i've done because it reminds me how much i've done. stupid and smart. silly and serious. etc and etc. All making the person I am today. I liked today..can you tell?? All day I worked on keeping eye contact with everyone I talked to. I think it makes someone seem more sincere when they are focused. I want people to think I am sincere because I am. I do have a habit of wandering eyes when I talk to people so i'll have to work on that.
I also have a new friend in my house. A little kitten. Her name is Lux (which is latin for light...not radiant light but light that causes flux when it is added to nux...nux + lux = flux, flux - lux = lumen....read about it...) So, she's really cute. I think i'm going to play with her alot and see if I can teach her to pee on the toilet like a good pussy. Anyways, I'm glad the weekend is here. I think I'm going to go back to bed now.
Night guys.

Katrina at 2:55 AM

2007-03-08

anne carson

I read my favourite book again today. The good thing about favourite books is that they never cease to amaze you. For instance, one of my favourites is plainwater by Anne Carson. It's 98% poetic. She never describes a situation for what it is, she will compare it to one thing with the craziest imagery and then use another image to fight it so you are bound to see exactly what she sees. It's fantastic anyways. The greatest thing about it is everytime I re-read it I get something new from it. She quotes alot of basho and rumi throughout and alot of chinese wisdom. I also love how she will state one thing... make you forget what she said and then tighten it all up at the end of that particular piece so it all makes one huge metaphor for how she felt when she was making breakfast that morning. Just a crazy book. If you love poetry you'll love it. I am very satisfied that she's realistic as well. Not too much boo hoo im a girl and hurting bullshit because the book is based alot on her relationships with men of different sorts including her father. grounded.

Heres something kind of sad from the book:

"Kinds of water drown us. Kinds of water do not. My water jar splashes companiably on my back as I walk. A pool of thoughts tilts this way and that in me. Sokrates, after bathing, came back to his cell hurriedly and drank the hemlock. The others wept. Swans swam in around him. And he began to talk about the ocming journey, to an unknown place far from their tears, which he did not understand. People really understand very little of one another. Sometimes when I speak to him, my Cid looks very hard and straight into my face as if in search of something (a city on a map?) like someone who has tumbled off a star. But he is not the one who feels alien - ever, i think. He lives in a small country of hope, which is his heart. Like Sokrates fails to understand why travel should be such a challenge to the muscles of the heart, for other people. Around every bend of road is a city of gold, isn't it? I am the kind of person who thinks, no, probably not. And we walk, side by side, in different countries. Pilgrims were people in exile."

I can't help but love it.

Katrina at 6:45 PM

2007-03-07

catharsis

I remember 3 conversations. It would be far more accurate to say I cannot forget 3 conversations. I can't remember anything most of the time. Nothing I want to remember anyways. I cannot forget these 3 conversations and they constantly burn me. In fact, they are burning holes right through me now and there is nothing I can do to stop it, for some reason.
There are times when I would say to other people to take action. DO SOMETHING. or DONT DO SOMETHING. When it comes right down to it, I do nothing. In doing nothing I am not to blame nor am I given credit. too modest for credit, too burdened with blame. I lack faith. I omit pieces of myself in order to stay completely neutral in any given situation. I am unmoved. I am apathetic. Seemingly (I am so good at making you think otherwise how could I possibly stop?). Sometimes things make me cringe. I mean really think to myself about something and cringe to the point where you would swear I was reliving a situation only this time everyone was watching from behind my eyes. This is a good sign that maybe, just maybe, these things should be learned from. That possibly I am not doing what it is I would like to be doing. Instead running in circles seems to be my favourite pastime. It just seemed that for a long while there things were changing and I was learning and now it has stopped slightly. I just keep telling myself that after the hustle and bustle dies down that something will be gained from a whole lot of wasted energy on my part. Thats the biggest and most terrible lie i could tell myself. The hustle and bustle won't stop...thats life. I would warn others against this. I cannot pretend that in moving negative around you all that negative will not expand its evil arms around me again.
I tried convincing my cousin that her problem was fearful avoidant attachment. Isn't that funny? What's also funny is that people will tell you, O they will tell you, About how different you are, How much they aspire to think like you, How much they wish they thought of that first, You're so this, so that, we dont understand you and we love you....You do not know the hinderance of things like these. I think like this because I think to much and in order to keep myself clean I must cover all the angles. Thats all im doing. In doing nothing I am doing everything only for myself because when you don't know you can't see me and I won't feel as small as I feel I am.

On a lighter note, pain precedes change precedes growth....repeat to infinity.

Katrina at 1:04 AM

2007-03-06

Sky Gilbert - Montreal Soir

Peter had invited me for coffee, first,
at that restaurant with the unpronouncable name
and of course he was sitting there with James.
I was impressed, as well I should be.
(Isn't it interesting the way people introduce the ones they love? "Sky this
is James", and of course, I tripped and almost fell into him and then he
wanted to know about my tattoo. It's important not to be too fascinating-
result: jealousy, or too disinterested- result: hurt)
James asked about the various forms of neuroses and Peter was in his
element- father, teacher, pedant, wit:
"Well Gestalt describes three types of neurosis: projection, introjection
and retrogression."
Peter and I agree that we have all three. James is confused and interested,
and goes home, almost stealing Peter's hat.
As Peter and I make our trek to the strip bar I realize that the poets are
wrong; one-sided love is not hopeless - it's the other way around. Peter and
James are clearly in love with each other equally, and that of course is why
they will never be happy together. The obsession is too equal. Neither is
crying and sighing hopelessly. Neither is telling the other what to do
(I.E.: MARRIAGE). Two people equally in love? That's a stalemate, a prison,
two pairs of eyes endlessly staring fearfully into the void. Dare I know
that soul (it loves me as I love it)? Why no, I dare not.
And we're at the strip bar and the boys whirl perilously around us. One boy
has made pants out of ripped jeans and a pair of chaps. Another surprises us
with his long cock. Another sits, pouting, by the slot machine, but every
time he moves, Peter and I gasp.
And of course these boys make me think about death. As they always do.
For those who are obsessed with the body are obsessed with death. We are all
too aware of how the body changes. Each pimple, each wrinkle, announces
death's imminence. And you can lock yourself in your house and roll up your windows and make dinner.
Or you can throw yourself into the body of that young man, with every ounce
of fury you have left.
Death will come either way. But we imagine that watching it's inevitable
approach is a kind of cheat, is beating the game.
And we are always running, with our back to the moon, and hiding, with our
face in the sun, and yelling, with the music in our ears.
Our desperate escapes! How we love them, as we love our boys, and though we
are reluctant to admit it, they love us too.
Or then again, perhaps we're just two old queens sipping beer at the Adonis,
and it needn't be any more important than that.

Katrina at 11:23 AM

2007-03-05

the height of frustration

Katrina at 10:28 PM

I love e e cummings

seeker of truth

follow no path
all paths lead where

truth is here

-seeker of truth
--------------------
i like my body when it is with your
body. It is so quite a new thing.
Muscles better and nerves more.
i like your body. i like what it does,
i like its hows. i like to feel the spine
of your body and its bones, and the trembling
-firm-smooth ness and which i will
again and again and again
kiss, i like kissing this and that of you,
i like, slowly stroking the, shocking fuzz
of your electric fur, and what-is-it comes
over parting flesh . . . . And eyes big love-crumbs,

and possibly i like the thrill

of under me you quite so new

-i like my body when its with your
--------------------------------
if I should sleep with a lady called death
get another man with firmer lips
to take your new mouth in his teeth
(hips pumping pleasure into hips).

Seeing how the limp huddling string
of your smile over his body squirms
kissingly, I will bring you every spring
handfuls of little normal worms.

Dress deftly your flesh in stupid stuffs,
phrase the immense weapon of your hair.
Understanding why his eye laughs,
I will bring you every year

something which is worth the whole,
an inch of nothing for your soul.

-if i should sleep with a lady called death
----------------------------------------

in a middle of a room
stands a suicide
sniffing a Paper rose
smiling to a self

"somewhere it is Spring and sometimes
people are in real:imagine
somewhere real flowers,but
I can't imagine real flowers for if I

could,they would somehow
not Be real"
(so he smiles
smiling)"but I will not

everywhere be real to
you in a moment"
The is blond
with small hands

"& everything is easier
than I had guessed everything would
be;even remembering the way who
looked at whom first,anyhow dancing"

(a moon swims out of a cloud
a clock strikes midnight
a finger pulls a trigger
a bird flies into a mirror)

- in the middle of a room
--------------------------------------
somewhere i have never travelled, gladly beyond
any experience,your eyes have their silence:
in your most frail gesture are things which enclose me,
or which i cannot touch because they are too near

your slightest look will easily unclose me
though i have closed myself as fingers,
you open always petal by petal myself as Spring opens
(touching skilfully,mysteriously)her first rose

or if your wish be to close me, i and
my life will shut very beautifully ,suddenly,
as when the heart of this flower imagines
the snow carefully everywhere descending;
nothing which we are to perceive in this world equals
the power of your intense fragility:whose texture
compels me with the color of its countries,
rendering death and forever with each breathing

(i do not know what it is about you that closes
and opens;only something in me understands
the voice of your eyes is deeper than all roses)
nobody,not even the rain,has such small hands

-somewhere I have never travelled, gladly beyond
------------------------------------------------------
but if a living dance upon dead minds
why,it is love;but at the earliest spear
of sun perfectly should disappear
moon's utmost magic,or stones speak or one
name control more incredible splendor than
our merely universe, love's also there:
and being here imprisoned,tortured here
love everywhere exploding maims and blinds
(but surely does not forget,perish, sleep
cannot be photographed,measured;disdains
the trivial labelling of punctual brains...
-Who wields a poem huger than the grave?
from only Whom shall time no refuge keep
though all the weird worlds must be opened?

- but if a living dance upon dead minds

Katrina at 7:16 PM

weird dreams.

I like to dream that I'm with people that I don't know. I'm not exactly sure why. Anyways, below explains two dreams I had last night.

The first dream was nothing but what seemed like 4 pictures in my head. A girl washing a linoleum floor in an old victorian house. Then I was looking in the bucket but it was empty. Then she stood up. Then she had turned around looking at me.

In the second one. I was going to visit someone I knew. We were at some practice for a basketball game. I wasn't on the team so I waited out back of the building on this beach chair and having some drinks and relaxing with another person that was waiting. Once the practice was done there was a boy that came out and asked me what I was doing after. mentioned something about a frat party and that I could come because I knew one of the guys on the team. So, we go to this party and I find myself in a bedroom with 4 girls and they are all explaining to me how to be this and be that and what life is all about from their point of view. So i cut it short and asked if they wanted to do something that I can't remember now(i think it had something to do with changing their minds) and they all freaked out about what their boyfriends would do....what the other sisters would say....etc. So, then I wake up in bed with my friend and two other people. My friend went to do something and i was chatting in bed with the other two that I believe are a couple and then some angry frat boy rushes in...freaks out on me for letting it happen. It wouldn't have happened if I didn't change their minds because they never thought this way before. The weird part is the end when they all decided to leave they all had what looked like little computer chips in the back of their arms.
weird.
Both dreams made me feel detached and unnoticed. As if I was just wandering around my dream watching and not taking any part in the action going on around me.

I had nothing else to write about.

Katrina at 7:14 AM

2007-03-01

junk

I think it's very peculiar that songs I used to listen to growing up and in school, that I really loved, are the songs that are now pertaining directly to things that happen. Also, I think it also queer that I did not know the meanings behind these songs nor what a metaphor was when I was in grade 4. Still, for some reason I listen to these songs that are somewhat nostaligic for me now and I am seeing a distinct correlation between these songs and myself.
I think it could be that I'm getting older. Gaining experience. I am able to relate fairly easily to most people. Now, through music more than ever.
On a side note, I would like to thank one person for confirming I am not crazy and another person for confirming that I am.
It's all about the balance.
It's all so deep it's meaningless.
Also, I thought it time to work again. So, I lined myself up with some interviews with conglomerates and the like. Two tomorrow and two on monday. Probably more in the making somewhere. Time to keep a little busier again and stop getting into so much trouble with myself.
Idle hands...
Where did my hobbies go anyways?

Katrina at 11:50 AM

I love you.

Chris called me an hour hour. Which made it 7:30. Told my mom to wake me up and when I get on the phone he said this or something like it. 'Hey Katrina, I just called to tell you I love you does that piss you off?'. No, not at all. He said he's turning over a new leaf and wants to call the people he loves everyday and tell them that he loves them. I said it may prove tedious on mornings after a party but i'll never complain. So, this is relevant to the post below because I wanted to meet more people with their hearts on their sleeves. Maybe, I just want everyone to wear their hearts on their sleeves. If they want to.

Katrina at 8:36 AM