2006-08-04

Undulating, at best

UNDULATING, AT BEST
____________________________________________________
Theres a really weird spot in between the points when you were something and then something else. I mean to say I remember myself as a child and now I feel a bit older. Everything in between seems to be somewhat of a blur. If you remind me of a time we spent together. It ultimately jogs my memory and I can talk about it with you and we'll reminesce. Great times I am sure.

I went to church today. My older friend Evangeline asked me to join her. I did. It was a small unestablished church. The pastor wants to find me some clientele for photography. He insisted on the church praying for me. Call me blasphemous but I urged him not to. I can't tell you why. I think I feel horrible. I told him exactly why I was there. For a friend, for my own justification. I feel unknowing when it comes to explaining to people why I don't go to church. Truth is, I haven't been to church since I was 7. I should learn myself a little something about christianity before I go blowing it off like I am god myself and I have the right. I find myself applying philosophy and psychology to everything I heard today in the church. Even while they are talking. I am completely jaded due to my persistant questioning of existence and why why whys.
While the pastor asked me about what I wanted out of life I began to answer and he stopped me saying 'you job is to work for the lord'. What? The lord must call for pastors to cut off newcomers in the middle of answering a respectable question with a respectable answer. I'm sorry I didn't begin my sentence with "I breathe the lord he smells like holy socks I didn't wear on sunday, please forgive me'.
Pardon my ignorance Evangeline but I'm trying.
Evangeline pertained again to my love of seeking truth (through every means) again as information she would not receive, due to the fact that I was talking about the distance from the ground to a plane window....how is this too philosophical for a christian...do christians disregard philosophy? Is it a sin? I wasn't even talking about philosophy. I was doing a bad job with being scientific actually.
I just feel as though, for myself, I have to indulge in all walks of life, culture and religion before I can make a justified decision regarding how I will live my life. I want to live as freely as possible. I don't want to conform and change my views unless they change naturally(this is of course based on ways of life only. obviously if you prove me wrong I'll believe you).
I am trying my best to be a whole person, a good person and a person with respect and understanding. I also need to stay true to myself. It's only natural for me.

I have a strong desire for knowledge and wisdom right now. I am growing and changing daily. It's been rough but I am alive. It's ups and downs and all arounds but I love it. Finally.
I hope I am not as bullshit as I seem.

Katrina at 10:33 PM

2006-08-04

Undulating, at best

UNDULATING, AT BEST
____________________________________________________
Theres a really weird spot in between the points when you were something and then something else. I mean to say I remember myself as a child and now I feel a bit older. Everything in between seems to be somewhat of a blur. If you remind me of a time we spent together. It ultimately jogs my memory and I can talk about it with you and we'll reminesce. Great times I am sure.

I went to church today. My older friend Evangeline asked me to join her. I did. It was a small unestablished church. The pastor wants to find me some clientele for photography. He insisted on the church praying for me. Call me blasphemous but I urged him not to. I can't tell you why. I think I feel horrible. I told him exactly why I was there. For a friend, for my own justification. I feel unknowing when it comes to explaining to people why I don't go to church. Truth is, I haven't been to church since I was 7. I should learn myself a little something about christianity before I go blowing it off like I am god myself and I have the right. I find myself applying philosophy and psychology to everything I heard today in the church. Even while they are talking. I am completely jaded due to my persistant questioning of existence and why why whys.
While the pastor asked me about what I wanted out of life I began to answer and he stopped me saying 'you job is to work for the lord'. What? The lord must call for pastors to cut off newcomers in the middle of answering a respectable question with a respectable answer. I'm sorry I didn't begin my sentence with "I breathe the lord he smells like holy socks I didn't wear on sunday, please forgive me'.
Pardon my ignorance Evangeline but I'm trying.
Evangeline pertained again to my love of seeking truth (through every means) again as information she would not receive, due to the fact that I was talking about the distance from the ground to a plane window....how is this too philosophical for a christian...do christians disregard philosophy? Is it a sin? I wasn't even talking about philosophy. I was doing a bad job with being scientific actually.
I just feel as though, for myself, I have to indulge in all walks of life, culture and religion before I can make a justified decision regarding how I will live my life. I want to live as freely as possible. I don't want to conform and change my views unless they change naturally(this is of course based on ways of life only. obviously if you prove me wrong I'll believe you).
I am trying my best to be a whole person, a good person and a person with respect and understanding. I also need to stay true to myself. It's only natural for me.

I have a strong desire for knowledge and wisdom right now. I am growing and changing daily. It's been rough but I am alive. It's ups and downs and all arounds but I love it. Finally.
I hope I am not as bullshit as I seem.

Katrina at 10:33 PM