2006-11-11

game: find the point to this post.

I was thinking tonight because I had nothing else to take my mind off of myself. Which is fine because I felt like I wanted to be alone tonight anyways. The house was empty and I always like it when I am alone on a weekend. There is no rush to do anything. I am completely free to walk around naked (sorry for the mental) and sing my lungs out. I remember once I was singing on the toilet. My bathroom is beside the next apartments bathroom. Someone must have been in there and heard me singing because all i heard was a mock opera (which I wasn't singing) coming from the wall. I tried to duet with them but they weren't up for it. I wish I had a picture of that. Both sides of the wall kind of picture. Anyways, I was thinking about life again. dammit. I try not to but apparently its everywhere. who knew? regardless, its always been an inescapable topic for me(How do some people still manage to escape it??) I was thinking about all the people I've ever met. Well, at least trying to remember. I do notice that everything I have learned that I find significant was through other people. Nothing I learned in school has ever really turned me on. unless it was reading and even then I chose such bizarre things to read that they seemed to have a personality of their own. I remember when I moved to Hamilton I knew nobody, even less myself. It was quite literally an overnight move. I left my whole house to my roomie Nick and I left (he still blames me for how bored he was until anna moved in) besides a few things I felt were sentimental and some clothes. I moved in with my mothers friends daughter who I hadn't seen in years. Everything was new otherwise. The point is until I moved away from everything I had known and done and seen and bleh bleh. I had no idea how to be myself. I thought I did. I thought I was the whole time. In leaving and coming back a little less than a year later I learned such a huge amount of things. Not from having the things I gained inputted but from having the things I didn't want to learn inputted. Whats more is when I tell people stories about my life and they almost can't believe it. It forces me to look at these things and ask myself if these things have really been so terrible. We just live through things I think. I couldn't have escaped alot of whats gone on in my life. In retrospect I wouldn't want to. I think I've seen alot of people. Low and High people. watched the lows turn to highs and vice versa. My mother told me once that she was surprised I hadn't ended up dead yet because I tend to talk to everyone and i have always made friends easily. I try to make no judgements and my surroundings have been diverse. I've been into trouble and laughed about it later. I've sat on the edge of trouble crying in hysterics because of the radical differences my life would have endured if such cases and not gone in my favour. Right now, I am writing about it all and I am not laughing or crying. Im just wondering where all those people that have watched these things happen to me, and me to them, have gone. I used to use my listening skills to gain knowledge about other people so I would know their boundaries and in that I could find the perfect place to sit while that person came to me to bitch about how angry they were at the other. I knew the perfect things to say. I was the watcher. I used to be the one with a million other peoples secrets in my head. but a million of my own.
Its a big bummer when you can't talk to anyone because for so long you have watched how they work and you have been the one there for them. You get alot of time in your own head. I also feel to be a burden by sticking my own problems to someone else. I should be strong enough. I wasn't though. I was seeing too much and needed to talk to someone. so, I had called everyone back home. I tried to bring them to my place. People would say they would come and wouldn't. So, I would go to london. It was good times coming home for the weekend. The sadness kicked in when i realized I didn't care myself whether or not a few off them never called again. I had left and saw different things, places met new types of people. I was a different person because with these new surroundings I didn't have to walk on eggshells as I was so accustomed to with the people I used to know. I don't blame these people. In the end it was just time to part. Alot of it was about the fact that I could be myself because in my new atmosphere I was used to it. I didn't feel the need to change my principles to suit the people around me. Some people didn't like me anymore. 'you've changed'. I'd say no. I would say I am who I was everytime you weren't around. I put too much energy into being someone I wasn't to some. I suppose i was lucky in noticing before anyone else did. haha, sneaky sneaky red head. The good side in reference to all this is ultimately the fact that the genuine people in your life are okay with your choices. If I wanted to call those people right now at 3:44am I could do that. I could tell them all the stories they've heard a million times. I could tell them my cheesy jokes and I could make a breakfast date in 4 hours time and every one of them would show up in pajamas. I think those things are the real reason for any sort of shit storm life may throw at you. When its over, the ones who made it, can all meet at the golden griddle at 6 am with bed heads and pjs and laugh about our 'troubles'. I just want to say I learned by example alot of the time. If you tell me whats right i won't hear you. If you show me whats wrong I will see some sort of beauty to learn from. Probably why Im so drawn to people with 'issues'. Or maybe I just like to hear that someone is worse off than I am. I hope its not the latter. damn it probably is.
I know this one is a little messy. I think its just something that bothers me. Hence, the jagged edges and weirdo format and points that are irrelevant. To talk about all of it through a blog would take 12 years. Maybe we could meet at the golden griddle in our pjs though? I could tell you all that don't know about it over a stack of never-ending pancakes.

p.s. Save me if there is more than this one post about this. It means I need a wall to talk to instead of a screen.

p.p.s. this evening at the hospital lillian showed me a dance she did in vegas in the 60's. The nurse told me later that lillian never went to vegas all the while laughing at the 'crazy kook!'. my reply was 'How far do you think vegas is?'.

I long for a rorschach inkblot test.

I want to free them all.

Katrina at 3:02 AM

2006-11-11

game: find the point to this post.

I was thinking tonight because I had nothing else to take my mind off of myself. Which is fine because I felt like I wanted to be alone tonight anyways. The house was empty and I always like it when I am alone on a weekend. There is no rush to do anything. I am completely free to walk around naked (sorry for the mental) and sing my lungs out. I remember once I was singing on the toilet. My bathroom is beside the next apartments bathroom. Someone must have been in there and heard me singing because all i heard was a mock opera (which I wasn't singing) coming from the wall. I tried to duet with them but they weren't up for it. I wish I had a picture of that. Both sides of the wall kind of picture. Anyways, I was thinking about life again. dammit. I try not to but apparently its everywhere. who knew? regardless, its always been an inescapable topic for me(How do some people still manage to escape it??) I was thinking about all the people I've ever met. Well, at least trying to remember. I do notice that everything I have learned that I find significant was through other people. Nothing I learned in school has ever really turned me on. unless it was reading and even then I chose such bizarre things to read that they seemed to have a personality of their own. I remember when I moved to Hamilton I knew nobody, even less myself. It was quite literally an overnight move. I left my whole house to my roomie Nick and I left (he still blames me for how bored he was until anna moved in) besides a few things I felt were sentimental and some clothes. I moved in with my mothers friends daughter who I hadn't seen in years. Everything was new otherwise. The point is until I moved away from everything I had known and done and seen and bleh bleh. I had no idea how to be myself. I thought I did. I thought I was the whole time. In leaving and coming back a little less than a year later I learned such a huge amount of things. Not from having the things I gained inputted but from having the things I didn't want to learn inputted. Whats more is when I tell people stories about my life and they almost can't believe it. It forces me to look at these things and ask myself if these things have really been so terrible. We just live through things I think. I couldn't have escaped alot of whats gone on in my life. In retrospect I wouldn't want to. I think I've seen alot of people. Low and High people. watched the lows turn to highs and vice versa. My mother told me once that she was surprised I hadn't ended up dead yet because I tend to talk to everyone and i have always made friends easily. I try to make no judgements and my surroundings have been diverse. I've been into trouble and laughed about it later. I've sat on the edge of trouble crying in hysterics because of the radical differences my life would have endured if such cases and not gone in my favour. Right now, I am writing about it all and I am not laughing or crying. Im just wondering where all those people that have watched these things happen to me, and me to them, have gone. I used to use my listening skills to gain knowledge about other people so I would know their boundaries and in that I could find the perfect place to sit while that person came to me to bitch about how angry they were at the other. I knew the perfect things to say. I was the watcher. I used to be the one with a million other peoples secrets in my head. but a million of my own.
Its a big bummer when you can't talk to anyone because for so long you have watched how they work and you have been the one there for them. You get alot of time in your own head. I also feel to be a burden by sticking my own problems to someone else. I should be strong enough. I wasn't though. I was seeing too much and needed to talk to someone. so, I had called everyone back home. I tried to bring them to my place. People would say they would come and wouldn't. So, I would go to london. It was good times coming home for the weekend. The sadness kicked in when i realized I didn't care myself whether or not a few off them never called again. I had left and saw different things, places met new types of people. I was a different person because with these new surroundings I didn't have to walk on eggshells as I was so accustomed to with the people I used to know. I don't blame these people. In the end it was just time to part. Alot of it was about the fact that I could be myself because in my new atmosphere I was used to it. I didn't feel the need to change my principles to suit the people around me. Some people didn't like me anymore. 'you've changed'. I'd say no. I would say I am who I was everytime you weren't around. I put too much energy into being someone I wasn't to some. I suppose i was lucky in noticing before anyone else did. haha, sneaky sneaky red head. The good side in reference to all this is ultimately the fact that the genuine people in your life are okay with your choices. If I wanted to call those people right now at 3:44am I could do that. I could tell them all the stories they've heard a million times. I could tell them my cheesy jokes and I could make a breakfast date in 4 hours time and every one of them would show up in pajamas. I think those things are the real reason for any sort of shit storm life may throw at you. When its over, the ones who made it, can all meet at the golden griddle at 6 am with bed heads and pjs and laugh about our 'troubles'. I just want to say I learned by example alot of the time. If you tell me whats right i won't hear you. If you show me whats wrong I will see some sort of beauty to learn from. Probably why Im so drawn to people with 'issues'. Or maybe I just like to hear that someone is worse off than I am. I hope its not the latter. damn it probably is.
I know this one is a little messy. I think its just something that bothers me. Hence, the jagged edges and weirdo format and points that are irrelevant. To talk about all of it through a blog would take 12 years. Maybe we could meet at the golden griddle in our pjs though? I could tell you all that don't know about it over a stack of never-ending pancakes.

p.s. Save me if there is more than this one post about this. It means I need a wall to talk to instead of a screen.

p.p.s. this evening at the hospital lillian showed me a dance she did in vegas in the 60's. The nurse told me later that lillian never went to vegas all the while laughing at the 'crazy kook!'. my reply was 'How far do you think vegas is?'.

I long for a rorschach inkblot test.

I want to free them all.

Katrina at 3:02 AM