2006-12-12

cry a little more eh?

You always thought your dream to someday write a children's book made you look like a highly original trailblazer until you are seated around a table of strangers who all want to write children's books. Then all of a sudden you reconsider priorities ( in the midst of relation, sometimes I am bothered that we're all the same)....then you do it again because you're wondering if you're being yourself at all. I think perhaps I am looking to be so original. It will never happen in the search for originality. I end up stuttering and seemingly chaotic. spinoza said in order to truly understand something you have to feel it yourself. professors get mixed up in systems. mostly always systems. Of the way things should work and of the ways things shouldn't work. He says chaos is the order and even the most wonderous chaotic things should be no less at peace on the inside than someone in meditation (assuming). This made me feel a little better reading it. In my want to be original. Although selfish, I sometimes find I am actually looking to be more like the people around me. I am looking to get a house, I am looking for success, I am looking to see if there is a dream I can conquer settimg myself somewhere I would have never dreamed. But. It is not that I think I need these things. I know I don't. I don't even want these things. I know they mean nothing. I am still so conditioned its sickening. I just want to move to sri lanka. Live in the jungle. Fucking kill things with the blow arrow thingys. Thats all. I just want something more that I can't find here. And even that is wrong. It's so close to here Im blind to it. Blind little girl.
fuckin' hell.
Perhaps I need to stop feeling so much. Numb it up a bit.

Katrina at 12:30 PM

2006-12-12

cry a little more eh?

You always thought your dream to someday write a children's book made you look like a highly original trailblazer until you are seated around a table of strangers who all want to write children's books. Then all of a sudden you reconsider priorities ( in the midst of relation, sometimes I am bothered that we're all the same)....then you do it again because you're wondering if you're being yourself at all. I think perhaps I am looking to be so original. It will never happen in the search for originality. I end up stuttering and seemingly chaotic. spinoza said in order to truly understand something you have to feel it yourself. professors get mixed up in systems. mostly always systems. Of the way things should work and of the ways things shouldn't work. He says chaos is the order and even the most wonderous chaotic things should be no less at peace on the inside than someone in meditation (assuming). This made me feel a little better reading it. In my want to be original. Although selfish, I sometimes find I am actually looking to be more like the people around me. I am looking to get a house, I am looking for success, I am looking to see if there is a dream I can conquer settimg myself somewhere I would have never dreamed. But. It is not that I think I need these things. I know I don't. I don't even want these things. I know they mean nothing. I am still so conditioned its sickening. I just want to move to sri lanka. Live in the jungle. Fucking kill things with the blow arrow thingys. Thats all. I just want something more that I can't find here. And even that is wrong. It's so close to here Im blind to it. Blind little girl.
fuckin' hell.
Perhaps I need to stop feeling so much. Numb it up a bit.

Katrina at 12:30 PM