2007-02-27

kinda jaded

It was so snowy out this morning when we were plowing but falling so lightly that it only looked foggy. I remembered how much I love going up to lions head and sitting in our canoe, alone, at 6:30 on a hazy summer morning. Or even a foggy and misty summer morning. Everything is so quiet and the lake doesn't move. The stillness of it all reminds me how still I become when I have experiences like that. It made me miss summer. Then I realized it is the middle of winter and I was taken back to that moment that I thought I could only feel in that summer situation.
I want to meet more people with their hearts on their sleeves. You can see my heart beat but its roots are hidden under layers of sarcasm
I think the more I see it the easier it will be to get back to it.I'll see what it is I miss so much. Like this guy, no fake stuff here, real fucking hearts on sleeves.

Katrina at 9:26 AM

nice little collection

Katrina at 12:51 AM

2007-02-26

chimps have started hunting bushbabies with spears and living in caves.

No joke look.

I am humbled.

Katrina at 9:39 AM

2007-02-25

girlfriend application.

My friend devin is looking for a girlfriend. He is funny. Eccentric. A bunch of other good things. Moving forward, I asked for an application to fill out because it's just a hilarious thing to kill time with.
So, here is the information he sent me about himself:

"So you think you might want to be my girlfriend but aren't sure what the benefits are? here is a list of (mostly) true things you can expect as my little buttercup.

1. You will be treated like a queen.
2. You will be treated like a whore.
3. I have lots of really cool friends, you will have lots of really cool friends by association.
4. Plenty of cuddles and love.
5. I will make up special little holidays just for you.
6. I deliver sexually.
7. Zap zap zap
8. This is the end of the numerical list.

If you're reading this you probably at least kind of know me, so i'm just going to write a short little blah blah about myself in no real structured way.

I was born March Seventh, Nineteen-Hundred and Eighty-Three, which makes me a pisces, i get depressed, I can read your mind, and I can taste triangles. My favourite colour is purple, I like to read, write, wear hats, cuddle, play with animals, play with people, splash in puddles, taste the rain, dance in the rain, fall asleep in the sun, and bake. Sometimes I wear underwear but not often, I just don't like it. I am very excited and waiting anxiously for the end of the world. I love black holes, I dream of black holes. I listen to so much music that telling you what kind of music I like would be a waste of everyone's time and I don't even know what I'd say. I'm eating french toast, I'm not french though. I'm done typing this now."

Ok, so whats not to love right? So here is the application along with my input to those:

Girlfriend Application Form
(fill this out and send it back to me)

Please send a picture along with this, applications without photos will be disregarded.

Full Name: Katrina Lynn Cooper
Date of Birth: Oct/26/84
Astrological Sign: Scorpio
Age: 22
Blood Type: RH -
Measurements: HOT!!!

What do you think are your qualifications as a girl to be my friend?
Well, I like to think of myself as a lover. This means you can love too because it will make me horny. This works in your favour because I'll never tie you down I just want the details because they might make me horny...Also, I am horny. I haven't thought of black holes like you have but I like holes in general. I'm horny. I like to talk about weird stuff. I like to ask questions that will invade your personal space. Im looking for someone who doesn't want any personal space. Only when it comes to talking though. It's ok you can poop without me watching. If you want me to watch you poop I will. Are these qualifications?

Will you cook for me? What will you cook for me?
I can bake. Pretty well too. I could make you some apple torte with caramel and pecans. I dont like to eat much meat so maybe I could make you some soy bologna, alfalfa sprout, cucumber and mayo sandwiches. dessert is always sweet ;)

It's the end of the world as we know it, how do you feel?
My world ended a long time ago. When I realized it was a paradox. I'm ok with it as long as we can hold hands when we escape into a black hole together.

Tell me about yourself in 100 words or less, or more, basically as many words as you want to use.
I am a red head. I have big boobies. I like to play. I like to hang out with kids cause they show me cool things that I didnt know before. not those kinds of things...I once made out with a girl in a bathroom stall and she ripped my bra. I always see the same old man downtown and now from time to time we have coffee. I talk to everyone. Even people that I think might mame me. I have never been murdered or raped. I don't get vaccinations. especially when they are free. I sometimes see sparkly things floating around. I am trying to disassocite myself with my surroundings and trying to become more in tune with the universe. I can make things happen. I'll show you one day.

Write something sexy that turns me on. Or something absolutely disgusting. Follow your heart.
I am gonna rip your intestines out of your urethra and then fuck the whole 30 foot mess.
eye <3 U!!!

I'm not too into writing this anymore, use as much space as you want under this to make yourself sound awesome and convince me to pick you.

Im awesome. you can pick your nose and you can pick your lovers and in this case you could pick your lovers nose....wouldn't that be the best?

Katrina at 7:07 AM

2007-02-23

Katrina at 6:01 AM

2007-02-21

Katrina at 1:08 PM

on positivity making things happen.

I think some people think that I am nuts when I tell them I can make shit happen and I don't even have to spend money. lol. They don't believe that if you will it, it will happen. Or that if you need something to change bad enough it will. I believe that your doubt about it is probably what hinders you. We are conditioned to only believe in certain things. Most of the time this does not include ourselves. We believe things around us are the benefitting factors in ourselves and without those things we cannot do what we want or need or can. I am urging myself to see things that are not to be seen. do things that I have never done. say things no one understands and accept them in doing so. I love it when I feel. No matter what the emotion. I love it more when you do. I don't judge. I don't pretend about it either. I don't have secrets. I am kind of quiet but only because I dont understand myself sometimes. I know this will change because I want it to. I know I am waking up hoping good things happen. Not only to me but to you too (yes, this includes you). I dont think you can fail at life. I think we are one and that means I place myself above no one. That also means if I can do it you can do it too. I do only say, If you want something to happen, on a global scale or a smaller scale....if you want it for genuinely positive reasons and it stems from love...I think you can do anything anything anything.

This is my 100% golden attempt at making today better than yesterday. Its going to happen, I can feel it.

I just made me smile.

Katrina at 5:34 AM

if you cant control your emotions you must be addicted

Joel finished all the characters for the farthest slide. Far deeper into the macabre then I would have gone. He really has this otherworldly view for this book. I am quite afraid that I have not consulted my right brain even remotely enough to contribute anything worth what he has done. Half the trouble is he is so far away that it's hard to communicate with him. When we finally get in touch with each other BLAM! he throws 5 characters at me and I become stammered speech and shrugging shoulders.
In all sincerity, I am not quite sure I've done anything worth speaking about for the past little while as is (exhibit a: lack of posts).
I am tapped. Nothing has a sparkle or glimmer. The wheel in my brain has stopped spinning and I'm quite sure the driver is on a continuous smoke break or possibly sleeping at the wheel. In my silent absence I have been trying to take better care of myself. I got to visit a few friends I hadn't seen since a few full moons past. I was drunk a bunch of times. I called around to past resources about new volunteer opportunities. I do remember a few revelations but since I no longer have even the drive to carry my notebook I have stopped writing down most of the little idiosyncrasies I notice in nature. I know for me my desires come in waves and I am sure one day I'll wake up full of pep but for now I wake up full of shit and frankly I am fucking boring myself. This is not an easy task so I know I must be good at it.
However, there is one thing I am going to boast about and it is that lately I have been out almost everynight. Not doing any one thing in particular. The fancy part is that I am going out and seeing alot of different people and they are all asking me similar things. I don't know why that is. I do know it's appreciated though, on both sides. I'm glad people think I can answer those kinds of questions and I'm glad that I am not stammered speech and shrugging shoulders when it happens.
Being sick for the past two weeks is not aiding any situation. I am thinking I am finally not contagious or dying.
p.s. I watched what the bleep do we know and a couple other smaller videos and I must say I've never been more impressed with the fact that I think the way I do.
I am finally getting a grasp on how I feel and losing alot of inhibitions when it comes to explaining myself. I am more comfortable then I have ever been and I am so happy that I am a professional feeler. I don't feel strange about that anymore either.
I just know it could be alot worse off. I could be a zombie. I could be a sleeping zombie. I could be dead zombie. Which would be a zombie zombie.
Although, I don't understand why sometimes I feel like crap when everything should be fine. Probably because I pretended not to feel some way about something(s).

Katrina at 4:50 AM

2007-02-14

happy 'spend money you weirdos' day

Katrina at 11:51 AM

2007-02-12

goodnight kittens and goodnight mittens.

so, she asks, are we god? can I be god?
and If I learn 'good' from a book it should be the same 'good' I learn after learning from 'bad' experiences and having that contrast. In fact experience has aided me more in truth, whether that is good or bad i don't know.
if it's 5 dollars for every syllable in a word that determines its worth...then I use only 5 dollar words.
keep it simple, stupid.
so, she asks,
what is god then? good orderly direction? g.o.d. I'd say.
what would that be? that which none greater can be conceived....
and what would that be? I am not innocent but I am guilt-free.....
and what does that feel like? i don't carry bags, i don't jump imaginary hurdles......less work. it feels like less work. no mid-day naps, if you will.
I have to be selfish because if im not in check how can i help you check yourself and I cant tell you how I can only show you how. If I act badly you still learn but im just not sure if I would be credited or blamed then. I would rather not be blamed.
When I sleep I am the first one I have to sleep with.
I don't like to lose sleep because I don't like the girl I'm sleeping with. it would be the laziest reason.
but there is the good, the bad and the truth and i am still deciphering all of these things.
I once told myself that hanging out with spiders will spin me in a web.
If I would have elaborated...I would have said I don't know why or what it all is but I know how to do it without losing sleep. I think that one of the most important things.
this one probably should have gone into my paper journal.
it may go to waste in a place like this.
we all know when handing out pieces of your soul the devil is somewhere in line.
why sacrifice when you can invest?

Katrina at 11:57 PM

shorts on last week.

In no particular order:

when putting your head on a chopping block, expect someone to bring an axe.
some of us are hammers and some of us are healers (bandaids). I am a hammer.
some people carry so many bags that they toss them at other people just to lighten the load.
sincerity is an investment, not an expense.
carmen gets sad when i am missing in action for too long.
derealization is equal to derailing. i can prove it.
if i had two faces, would i wear this one?
time and energy are in fact two different things.
when i start to feel numb i know im at the height of my laziness.
5th avenue by elizabeth arden smells like old ladies in the 50's.
im tired and this thing lacks lustre.

bye.

Katrina at 12:19 AM

2007-02-09

spatial anomaly

I really should take better care of myself. Im still sick. blah. Im sick and I have no id. blah! Could be for the better. I can't go to many bars. It almost seems useless to try and get in anyways. Waste of time. So, Im sitting at home. I was trying to teach myself the melbourne shuffle but then I got tired of looking like a fuckstick. It just looks so effortless when I watch someone do it. Someone that actually can do it all fluid like. It's way harder than it looks. I don't know what i'd do with the ability anyways. I don't rave. I think I just want a cool way to dance while im at home and no one is watching.
ha!
yep, I watched star trek today. I really love star trek its one of the only shows I can sit through. Maybe it's all the dilithium crystals and the spatial anomalies. I just love it.
I should go sleep away this sick feeling. I feel gross.

Katrina at 7:25 PM

2007-02-08

incoming kisses.

MeL™ says (12:15 AM):
i miss ur beautiful smile (insert rose here)
katrina says (12:15 AM):
(insert rose here)
katrina says (12:16 AM):
mon cheri!
katrina says (12:16 AM):
(insert kiss here)

awww. I love mel.

Why is it people make me feel so good and I make them feel so crappy?
Thanks for letting me make you guys feel like poop while I glisten as king shit of muck island.

Enough about that.
I am sick sick sick. I have been for days days days. I can hardly move move move. Strangely enough my spirits are higher than they've been in a while. Too bad I can't go anywhere or do anything without hacking up lung butter and feeling weak weak weak.
When I feel better I am going to kiss all of you. You better look out because Im like rogue. I dont know if you've heard. I have killed a few that thought they could hack it.
I just hope I feel better soon so I go kiss crazy on your asses. (not really your asses...unless you want it there. whatever...)

I promise to use protection in the form of lip balm.

Katrina at 12:17 AM

2007-02-06

picture this.

every once and a while, an image will pop into my head and I will be whisked away into another imaginary place. I mean I know it's imaginary but it's very real and it's of the future. It's been the same since I was young young young. It's a picture of what would be a nice place for me. It's not fancy by any means. Which even surprises me because when people think of their most ideal life situation normally its 'better' than what they have or some crazy shit like that. The nicest part is that I don't normally think about those things. When I get this image it's accompanied with the most wonderful emotions I could feel. I don't see whos there with me. I don't see anything really. It's always just been me, at night time, walking through a door in late fall, in a tall house that faces a street. Kind of makes me think of england. I don't know if thats ever going to happen. Or if its my sub conscious pushing something more ideal into the front row but I really hope that no matter where I go or where I am I can feel that way one day. It's not happening now thats for damn sure.
I just don't know why this image has been bothering me for about 15 years nearly. I am curious where it's coming from.

Katrina at 4:01 PM

2007-02-05

hahahaha

Get Your Sexy Name

I wouldn't have but i had to.

Katrina at 11:39 PM

decipher???

I just received this in my email. From a seemingly legit address...It kind of made me laugh. Not because of the nature of it but because it kept me intrigued, although it let me down at the climax....I will admit the plot is vague and slightly confusing.
------------------------------
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-------------

I became a little worried when 'yesterday A bag despairing cry escaped the cut pale horse lips'. I just had to remind myself that yesterday is over so the despairing cries can stay in the past.

Katrina at 12:14 AM

2007-02-03

music.

Isn't it cool that when you listen to headphones it feels like the music is in your head instead of coming from the headphones. It's like theres a little jukebox in the middle of my brain that is pumping out all my favourite tunes from many different eras. I also like that fact that music stops me from thinking. I just get lost. I love it love it love it.
music is energy baby!
dig it?

Katrina at 7:36 PM

fighting with me again.

How do you define a person anyways?
How do you know a person?
How do you fucking be a person?
wtf is a person?
how do you get personal with a person and if they are a person shouldn't they already be personal?
(lol..that last one is a joke)

It's just that everytime I think I know something the universe explains to me in situational forms that I don't know Jack.
Jack doesn't know me and I am Jack's medulla oblongata....trailing...
I don't know myself.
I hate sounding pretentious. I really do believe I don't know much and what I do know is based on experience only. I just want to apologize for the blog under this one because I think maybe it was rude or something. Or maybe I'm just saving my own ass in case someone doesn't agree....see....god damn it. There's that unability to be myself in fake fear of hurting myself by having to hear someones opposing views.
I am feeling distaste for myself today.
how stupid.

Sometimes. I am an asshole.

Katrina at 5:51 PM

someone had to say it. glad it wasnt me.

This is going to be a long one.

Is it true. It doesn't matter what you say to people. If you so much as even utter a word that may oppose their views it can be taken in some form as a way of manipulation? Even if you are being nice? So many of us say live and let live but when it comes right down to it my opinion, even if only that, is going to effect you in some way. How can we truly know who we are when we are constantly playing off other emotions and thoughts floating around us? When I go to dinner with you I may not choose to pick at my food slowly because I know you hate it when I talk too much while we're eating. So at that moment I am, in my mind, respecting you as you set boundaries for us. I am losing out because I am not allowed to be who I am? I have to acknowledge you and you're feelings. Which is no concern really. It's easy and pretty much harmless. We do it without too much thought. I just hope someone notices my point here. I don't mind respecting people and their wishes. I just wonder how much of yourself is lost in the process. Rather, how much of yourself is caged due to other peoples desires and standards.
This sounds selfish.

Friday was a full moon right. Since high school I never listened to superstitions. 'oh no, It's a full moon tonight'. No, full moons always gave me good luck and I never spoke it until yesterday. Oh, alas the universe puts a stick in the mud and once i mentioned that statement I ended up with a bad full moon day. Of course, I perpetuated it myself by also stating that I shouldn't have said anything because now I've screwed myself. I am an advocate for the world working backwards. I knew better than to say anything and assume it would always be that way. dammit.
During my full moon night I went to a party at christophs. It was his birthday. Anyways, I was reminded in the closest possible way of why I choose not to officially commit to anyone or anything. Even more, reminded of what I will never ever do in the next situation I face like that. I was talking to christoph (as we do) about random things and we were having a laugh. Suddenly, out comes jesse and parks her ass on his lap. I would have been fine with it except for the conversation we were having before she got to the party was about exactly what transpired after. So, she looks at me. Looks at him. And says exactly this....' Are you the girl that calls all the time'.
My response was a laugh. It's what I do when I don't want to say what I'm thinking. To say those things just sounds funny in my head.
Christoph replied for me. No. she is not the girl that calls all the time.
I wanted to ask, what if I was? What do you do when what you think you own you may have not signed a few pages of the contract for? What if there is a loophole and maybe one day the wrong girl will call and you won't see christoph again? What if you aren't perfect? What if he doesn't want you on his lap while he's trying to chat with a few friends? OMG WTF will you do? You no longer serve a purpose? What will happen to you?
I am not speaking of Jessie. I am talking about the fact that this is everywhere you go in relationships. People either bitch that its not enough(jessies view), or that its too much(christophs view).
I think she could have asked what my name was or at least said hello or something. I mean why the abrasive behaviour? Why assume that some random girl you have never met is trying to cut your grass?
The best part is that he was explaining all of this to me before she showed up. Why do we endure these things? I've done it. We've all done it. What is it about needed to have the intimacy so badly that we accept such aggressive ways to ensure we will keep that? Picking apart our brains about whats going on with the other?
Communication.
I think if two people are going to bond and it's going to be genuine it will be just that. There would be no assumptions, no need to guess, no need to lie, become angry etc.etc.etc.etc... These are personal problems. If you have these personal issues you will no doubt bring them to the table you will not be able to hide them very well.
So, perhaps instead of bitching that things are not the way they should be we could show each other how to make things less inhibited without bringing selfish behaviour out for dinner and endure it just so we can have our favourite dessert.
I know I don't want this to happen to me again. It may be hindering in a sense because I really give no one any credit. I'll probably end up a spinster. I am just hearing words and I rarely trust words over actions. Words are manipulating (in my opinion) and actions... Well, they hold more energy. Words are just confusing. They means different things coming from different people.
This is a selfish post.
Speaking of communication. I have been quiet lately. Homebody. Catching up on some things.
I used to be so talkative and outgoing. Seems lately my words drown. I find myself wishing I could get back to a place before I realized what was going on. Maybe 7 years ago.
I didn't care.
I just was and I did what I did and I had no baggage.
I may have been free then.
I just want to tell everything and purge myself.
I wish there was a man in a closet somewhere that you could talk to. He could listen, pretend to care and I could walk away feeling healed.

Katrina at 1:18 PM

2007-02-01

enter stage left. nothing.

I am pretty much a blank slate. I could tell you about it but it would be the most boring thing that ever happened in your life. I am just going along with the ride. Sadly, perhaps a bit zombified. I suppose I can't know how much I dislike being a zombie without actually being reminded of what its like every once and a while. I went ice skating yesterday. Victoria park. I don't think I'm going to grow up guys. I remember going to Danielles housewarming party back in sept and I remember thinking I could never impress these people. Her boss was there, he asked that age old question: what do you do? I never talked about work because most of the time it's too fucking practical for me and really holds no bearing as far as my character is concerned. So, the things I can remember, I colour with crayons and a jumbo colouring book when I can't sleep, I breathe and sometimes I do sleep, I live and for most of this I'm drunk. Really, I have no idea what to tell to people who think that I am going to have some sort of story to entertain them. What a shitty question anyways. Then my turn when it gets silent. They expect me to ask the same. Instead I say something like 'what's your favourite childhood memory?'. I know to this question a few chuckle and walk away. Sometimes I can get people to talk to me.
It just seems forced.
Everything seems forced today.
You know when you are not thinking but thinking at the same time. It's like it's all a blur but theres something there if only you could pick out which it was thats being an iron ring through you...at least then you could start somewhere.
I have no place to start. No finish line. I am just moving towards nowhere.
I am not as sad as I seem just feel extremely apathetic today. I am sure tomorrow will be better. I hope it's like the movie groundhog day except for the day is a good one instead of constantly annoying.
I've lost my i.d. so I really hope no one wants to get polluted.
I think it might be another chill out weekend anyways.

I just want to laugh and sleep.
Or laugh so hard it makes me tired.
Or be so tired that I can't stop laughing.

Katrina at 10:11 AM

2007-02-27

kinda jaded

It was so snowy out this morning when we were plowing but falling so lightly that it only looked foggy. I remembered how much I love going up to lions head and sitting in our canoe, alone, at 6:30 on a hazy summer morning. Or even a foggy and misty summer morning. Everything is so quiet and the lake doesn't move. The stillness of it all reminds me how still I become when I have experiences like that. It made me miss summer. Then I realized it is the middle of winter and I was taken back to that moment that I thought I could only feel in that summer situation.
I want to meet more people with their hearts on their sleeves. You can see my heart beat but its roots are hidden under layers of sarcasm
I think the more I see it the easier it will be to get back to it.I'll see what it is I miss so much. Like this guy, no fake stuff here, real fucking hearts on sleeves.

Katrina at 9:26 AM

nice little collection

Katrina at 12:51 AM

2007-02-26

chimps have started hunting bushbabies with spears and living in caves.

No joke look.

I am humbled.

Katrina at 9:39 AM

2007-02-25

girlfriend application.

My friend devin is looking for a girlfriend. He is funny. Eccentric. A bunch of other good things. Moving forward, I asked for an application to fill out because it's just a hilarious thing to kill time with.
So, here is the information he sent me about himself:

"So you think you might want to be my girlfriend but aren't sure what the benefits are? here is a list of (mostly) true things you can expect as my little buttercup.

1. You will be treated like a queen.
2. You will be treated like a whore.
3. I have lots of really cool friends, you will have lots of really cool friends by association.
4. Plenty of cuddles and love.
5. I will make up special little holidays just for you.
6. I deliver sexually.
7. Zap zap zap
8. This is the end of the numerical list.

If you're reading this you probably at least kind of know me, so i'm just going to write a short little blah blah about myself in no real structured way.

I was born March Seventh, Nineteen-Hundred and Eighty-Three, which makes me a pisces, i get depressed, I can read your mind, and I can taste triangles. My favourite colour is purple, I like to read, write, wear hats, cuddle, play with animals, play with people, splash in puddles, taste the rain, dance in the rain, fall asleep in the sun, and bake. Sometimes I wear underwear but not often, I just don't like it. I am very excited and waiting anxiously for the end of the world. I love black holes, I dream of black holes. I listen to so much music that telling you what kind of music I like would be a waste of everyone's time and I don't even know what I'd say. I'm eating french toast, I'm not french though. I'm done typing this now."

Ok, so whats not to love right? So here is the application along with my input to those:

Girlfriend Application Form
(fill this out and send it back to me)

Please send a picture along with this, applications without photos will be disregarded.

Full Name: Katrina Lynn Cooper
Date of Birth: Oct/26/84
Astrological Sign: Scorpio
Age: 22
Blood Type: RH -
Measurements: HOT!!!

What do you think are your qualifications as a girl to be my friend?
Well, I like to think of myself as a lover. This means you can love too because it will make me horny. This works in your favour because I'll never tie you down I just want the details because they might make me horny...Also, I am horny. I haven't thought of black holes like you have but I like holes in general. I'm horny. I like to talk about weird stuff. I like to ask questions that will invade your personal space. Im looking for someone who doesn't want any personal space. Only when it comes to talking though. It's ok you can poop without me watching. If you want me to watch you poop I will. Are these qualifications?

Will you cook for me? What will you cook for me?
I can bake. Pretty well too. I could make you some apple torte with caramel and pecans. I dont like to eat much meat so maybe I could make you some soy bologna, alfalfa sprout, cucumber and mayo sandwiches. dessert is always sweet ;)

It's the end of the world as we know it, how do you feel?
My world ended a long time ago. When I realized it was a paradox. I'm ok with it as long as we can hold hands when we escape into a black hole together.

Tell me about yourself in 100 words or less, or more, basically as many words as you want to use.
I am a red head. I have big boobies. I like to play. I like to hang out with kids cause they show me cool things that I didnt know before. not those kinds of things...I once made out with a girl in a bathroom stall and she ripped my bra. I always see the same old man downtown and now from time to time we have coffee. I talk to everyone. Even people that I think might mame me. I have never been murdered or raped. I don't get vaccinations. especially when they are free. I sometimes see sparkly things floating around. I am trying to disassocite myself with my surroundings and trying to become more in tune with the universe. I can make things happen. I'll show you one day.

Write something sexy that turns me on. Or something absolutely disgusting. Follow your heart.
I am gonna rip your intestines out of your urethra and then fuck the whole 30 foot mess.
eye <3 U!!!

I'm not too into writing this anymore, use as much space as you want under this to make yourself sound awesome and convince me to pick you.

Im awesome. you can pick your nose and you can pick your lovers and in this case you could pick your lovers nose....wouldn't that be the best?

Katrina at 7:07 AM

2007-02-23

Katrina at 6:01 AM

2007-02-21

Katrina at 1:08 PM

on positivity making things happen.

I think some people think that I am nuts when I tell them I can make shit happen and I don't even have to spend money. lol. They don't believe that if you will it, it will happen. Or that if you need something to change bad enough it will. I believe that your doubt about it is probably what hinders you. We are conditioned to only believe in certain things. Most of the time this does not include ourselves. We believe things around us are the benefitting factors in ourselves and without those things we cannot do what we want or need or can. I am urging myself to see things that are not to be seen. do things that I have never done. say things no one understands and accept them in doing so. I love it when I feel. No matter what the emotion. I love it more when you do. I don't judge. I don't pretend about it either. I don't have secrets. I am kind of quiet but only because I dont understand myself sometimes. I know this will change because I want it to. I know I am waking up hoping good things happen. Not only to me but to you too (yes, this includes you). I dont think you can fail at life. I think we are one and that means I place myself above no one. That also means if I can do it you can do it too. I do only say, If you want something to happen, on a global scale or a smaller scale....if you want it for genuinely positive reasons and it stems from love...I think you can do anything anything anything.

This is my 100% golden attempt at making today better than yesterday. Its going to happen, I can feel it.

I just made me smile.

Katrina at 5:34 AM

if you cant control your emotions you must be addicted

Joel finished all the characters for the farthest slide. Far deeper into the macabre then I would have gone. He really has this otherworldly view for this book. I am quite afraid that I have not consulted my right brain even remotely enough to contribute anything worth what he has done. Half the trouble is he is so far away that it's hard to communicate with him. When we finally get in touch with each other BLAM! he throws 5 characters at me and I become stammered speech and shrugging shoulders.
In all sincerity, I am not quite sure I've done anything worth speaking about for the past little while as is (exhibit a: lack of posts).
I am tapped. Nothing has a sparkle or glimmer. The wheel in my brain has stopped spinning and I'm quite sure the driver is on a continuous smoke break or possibly sleeping at the wheel. In my silent absence I have been trying to take better care of myself. I got to visit a few friends I hadn't seen since a few full moons past. I was drunk a bunch of times. I called around to past resources about new volunteer opportunities. I do remember a few revelations but since I no longer have even the drive to carry my notebook I have stopped writing down most of the little idiosyncrasies I notice in nature. I know for me my desires come in waves and I am sure one day I'll wake up full of pep but for now I wake up full of shit and frankly I am fucking boring myself. This is not an easy task so I know I must be good at it.
However, there is one thing I am going to boast about and it is that lately I have been out almost everynight. Not doing any one thing in particular. The fancy part is that I am going out and seeing alot of different people and they are all asking me similar things. I don't know why that is. I do know it's appreciated though, on both sides. I'm glad people think I can answer those kinds of questions and I'm glad that I am not stammered speech and shrugging shoulders when it happens.
Being sick for the past two weeks is not aiding any situation. I am thinking I am finally not contagious or dying.
p.s. I watched what the bleep do we know and a couple other smaller videos and I must say I've never been more impressed with the fact that I think the way I do.
I am finally getting a grasp on how I feel and losing alot of inhibitions when it comes to explaining myself. I am more comfortable then I have ever been and I am so happy that I am a professional feeler. I don't feel strange about that anymore either.
I just know it could be alot worse off. I could be a zombie. I could be a sleeping zombie. I could be dead zombie. Which would be a zombie zombie.
Although, I don't understand why sometimes I feel like crap when everything should be fine. Probably because I pretended not to feel some way about something(s).

Katrina at 4:50 AM

2007-02-14

happy 'spend money you weirdos' day

Katrina at 11:51 AM

2007-02-12

goodnight kittens and goodnight mittens.

so, she asks, are we god? can I be god?
and If I learn 'good' from a book it should be the same 'good' I learn after learning from 'bad' experiences and having that contrast. In fact experience has aided me more in truth, whether that is good or bad i don't know.
if it's 5 dollars for every syllable in a word that determines its worth...then I use only 5 dollar words.
keep it simple, stupid.
so, she asks,
what is god then? good orderly direction? g.o.d. I'd say.
what would that be? that which none greater can be conceived....
and what would that be? I am not innocent but I am guilt-free.....
and what does that feel like? i don't carry bags, i don't jump imaginary hurdles......less work. it feels like less work. no mid-day naps, if you will.
I have to be selfish because if im not in check how can i help you check yourself and I cant tell you how I can only show you how. If I act badly you still learn but im just not sure if I would be credited or blamed then. I would rather not be blamed.
When I sleep I am the first one I have to sleep with.
I don't like to lose sleep because I don't like the girl I'm sleeping with. it would be the laziest reason.
but there is the good, the bad and the truth and i am still deciphering all of these things.
I once told myself that hanging out with spiders will spin me in a web.
If I would have elaborated...I would have said I don't know why or what it all is but I know how to do it without losing sleep. I think that one of the most important things.
this one probably should have gone into my paper journal.
it may go to waste in a place like this.
we all know when handing out pieces of your soul the devil is somewhere in line.
why sacrifice when you can invest?

Katrina at 11:57 PM

shorts on last week.

In no particular order:

when putting your head on a chopping block, expect someone to bring an axe.
some of us are hammers and some of us are healers (bandaids). I am a hammer.
some people carry so many bags that they toss them at other people just to lighten the load.
sincerity is an investment, not an expense.
carmen gets sad when i am missing in action for too long.
derealization is equal to derailing. i can prove it.
if i had two faces, would i wear this one?
time and energy are in fact two different things.
when i start to feel numb i know im at the height of my laziness.
5th avenue by elizabeth arden smells like old ladies in the 50's.
im tired and this thing lacks lustre.

bye.

Katrina at 12:19 AM

2007-02-09

spatial anomaly

I really should take better care of myself. Im still sick. blah. Im sick and I have no id. blah! Could be for the better. I can't go to many bars. It almost seems useless to try and get in anyways. Waste of time. So, Im sitting at home. I was trying to teach myself the melbourne shuffle but then I got tired of looking like a fuckstick. It just looks so effortless when I watch someone do it. Someone that actually can do it all fluid like. It's way harder than it looks. I don't know what i'd do with the ability anyways. I don't rave. I think I just want a cool way to dance while im at home and no one is watching.
ha!
yep, I watched star trek today. I really love star trek its one of the only shows I can sit through. Maybe it's all the dilithium crystals and the spatial anomalies. I just love it.
I should go sleep away this sick feeling. I feel gross.

Katrina at 7:25 PM

2007-02-08

incoming kisses.

MeL™ says (12:15 AM):
i miss ur beautiful smile (insert rose here)
katrina says (12:15 AM):
(insert rose here)
katrina says (12:16 AM):
mon cheri!
katrina says (12:16 AM):
(insert kiss here)

awww. I love mel.

Why is it people make me feel so good and I make them feel so crappy?
Thanks for letting me make you guys feel like poop while I glisten as king shit of muck island.

Enough about that.
I am sick sick sick. I have been for days days days. I can hardly move move move. Strangely enough my spirits are higher than they've been in a while. Too bad I can't go anywhere or do anything without hacking up lung butter and feeling weak weak weak.
When I feel better I am going to kiss all of you. You better look out because Im like rogue. I dont know if you've heard. I have killed a few that thought they could hack it.
I just hope I feel better soon so I go kiss crazy on your asses. (not really your asses...unless you want it there. whatever...)

I promise to use protection in the form of lip balm.

Katrina at 12:17 AM

2007-02-06

picture this.

every once and a while, an image will pop into my head and I will be whisked away into another imaginary place. I mean I know it's imaginary but it's very real and it's of the future. It's been the same since I was young young young. It's a picture of what would be a nice place for me. It's not fancy by any means. Which even surprises me because when people think of their most ideal life situation normally its 'better' than what they have or some crazy shit like that. The nicest part is that I don't normally think about those things. When I get this image it's accompanied with the most wonderful emotions I could feel. I don't see whos there with me. I don't see anything really. It's always just been me, at night time, walking through a door in late fall, in a tall house that faces a street. Kind of makes me think of england. I don't know if thats ever going to happen. Or if its my sub conscious pushing something more ideal into the front row but I really hope that no matter where I go or where I am I can feel that way one day. It's not happening now thats for damn sure.
I just don't know why this image has been bothering me for about 15 years nearly. I am curious where it's coming from.

Katrina at 4:01 PM

2007-02-05

hahahaha

Get Your Sexy Name

I wouldn't have but i had to.

Katrina at 11:39 PM

decipher???

I just received this in my email. From a seemingly legit address...It kind of made me laugh. Not because of the nature of it but because it kept me intrigued, although it let me down at the climax....I will admit the plot is vague and slightly confusing.
------------------------------
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-------------

I became a little worried when 'yesterday A bag despairing cry escaped the cut pale horse lips'. I just had to remind myself that yesterday is over so the despairing cries can stay in the past.

Katrina at 12:14 AM

2007-02-03

music.

Isn't it cool that when you listen to headphones it feels like the music is in your head instead of coming from the headphones. It's like theres a little jukebox in the middle of my brain that is pumping out all my favourite tunes from many different eras. I also like that fact that music stops me from thinking. I just get lost. I love it love it love it.
music is energy baby!
dig it?

Katrina at 7:36 PM

fighting with me again.

How do you define a person anyways?
How do you know a person?
How do you fucking be a person?
wtf is a person?
how do you get personal with a person and if they are a person shouldn't they already be personal?
(lol..that last one is a joke)

It's just that everytime I think I know something the universe explains to me in situational forms that I don't know Jack.
Jack doesn't know me and I am Jack's medulla oblongata....trailing...
I don't know myself.
I hate sounding pretentious. I really do believe I don't know much and what I do know is based on experience only. I just want to apologize for the blog under this one because I think maybe it was rude or something. Or maybe I'm just saving my own ass in case someone doesn't agree....see....god damn it. There's that unability to be myself in fake fear of hurting myself by having to hear someones opposing views.
I am feeling distaste for myself today.
how stupid.

Sometimes. I am an asshole.

Katrina at 5:51 PM

someone had to say it. glad it wasnt me.

This is going to be a long one.

Is it true. It doesn't matter what you say to people. If you so much as even utter a word that may oppose their views it can be taken in some form as a way of manipulation? Even if you are being nice? So many of us say live and let live but when it comes right down to it my opinion, even if only that, is going to effect you in some way. How can we truly know who we are when we are constantly playing off other emotions and thoughts floating around us? When I go to dinner with you I may not choose to pick at my food slowly because I know you hate it when I talk too much while we're eating. So at that moment I am, in my mind, respecting you as you set boundaries for us. I am losing out because I am not allowed to be who I am? I have to acknowledge you and you're feelings. Which is no concern really. It's easy and pretty much harmless. We do it without too much thought. I just hope someone notices my point here. I don't mind respecting people and their wishes. I just wonder how much of yourself is lost in the process. Rather, how much of yourself is caged due to other peoples desires and standards.
This sounds selfish.

Friday was a full moon right. Since high school I never listened to superstitions. 'oh no, It's a full moon tonight'. No, full moons always gave me good luck and I never spoke it until yesterday. Oh, alas the universe puts a stick in the mud and once i mentioned that statement I ended up with a bad full moon day. Of course, I perpetuated it myself by also stating that I shouldn't have said anything because now I've screwed myself. I am an advocate for the world working backwards. I knew better than to say anything and assume it would always be that way. dammit.
During my full moon night I went to a party at christophs. It was his birthday. Anyways, I was reminded in the closest possible way of why I choose not to officially commit to anyone or anything. Even more, reminded of what I will never ever do in the next situation I face like that. I was talking to christoph (as we do) about random things and we were having a laugh. Suddenly, out comes jesse and parks her ass on his lap. I would have been fine with it except for the conversation we were having before she got to the party was about exactly what transpired after. So, she looks at me. Looks at him. And says exactly this....' Are you the girl that calls all the time'.
My response was a laugh. It's what I do when I don't want to say what I'm thinking. To say those things just sounds funny in my head.
Christoph replied for me. No. she is not the girl that calls all the time.
I wanted to ask, what if I was? What do you do when what you think you own you may have not signed a few pages of the contract for? What if there is a loophole and maybe one day the wrong girl will call and you won't see christoph again? What if you aren't perfect? What if he doesn't want you on his lap while he's trying to chat with a few friends? OMG WTF will you do? You no longer serve a purpose? What will happen to you?
I am not speaking of Jessie. I am talking about the fact that this is everywhere you go in relationships. People either bitch that its not enough(jessies view), or that its too much(christophs view).
I think she could have asked what my name was or at least said hello or something. I mean why the abrasive behaviour? Why assume that some random girl you have never met is trying to cut your grass?
The best part is that he was explaining all of this to me before she showed up. Why do we endure these things? I've done it. We've all done it. What is it about needed to have the intimacy so badly that we accept such aggressive ways to ensure we will keep that? Picking apart our brains about whats going on with the other?
Communication.
I think if two people are going to bond and it's going to be genuine it will be just that. There would be no assumptions, no need to guess, no need to lie, become angry etc.etc.etc.etc... These are personal problems. If you have these personal issues you will no doubt bring them to the table you will not be able to hide them very well.
So, perhaps instead of bitching that things are not the way they should be we could show each other how to make things less inhibited without bringing selfish behaviour out for dinner and endure it just so we can have our favourite dessert.
I know I don't want this to happen to me again. It may be hindering in a sense because I really give no one any credit. I'll probably end up a spinster. I am just hearing words and I rarely trust words over actions. Words are manipulating (in my opinion) and actions... Well, they hold more energy. Words are just confusing. They means different things coming from different people.
This is a selfish post.
Speaking of communication. I have been quiet lately. Homebody. Catching up on some things.
I used to be so talkative and outgoing. Seems lately my words drown. I find myself wishing I could get back to a place before I realized what was going on. Maybe 7 years ago.
I didn't care.
I just was and I did what I did and I had no baggage.
I may have been free then.
I just want to tell everything and purge myself.
I wish there was a man in a closet somewhere that you could talk to. He could listen, pretend to care and I could walk away feeling healed.

Katrina at 1:18 PM

2007-02-01

enter stage left. nothing.

I am pretty much a blank slate. I could tell you about it but it would be the most boring thing that ever happened in your life. I am just going along with the ride. Sadly, perhaps a bit zombified. I suppose I can't know how much I dislike being a zombie without actually being reminded of what its like every once and a while. I went ice skating yesterday. Victoria park. I don't think I'm going to grow up guys. I remember going to Danielles housewarming party back in sept and I remember thinking I could never impress these people. Her boss was there, he asked that age old question: what do you do? I never talked about work because most of the time it's too fucking practical for me and really holds no bearing as far as my character is concerned. So, the things I can remember, I colour with crayons and a jumbo colouring book when I can't sleep, I breathe and sometimes I do sleep, I live and for most of this I'm drunk. Really, I have no idea what to tell to people who think that I am going to have some sort of story to entertain them. What a shitty question anyways. Then my turn when it gets silent. They expect me to ask the same. Instead I say something like 'what's your favourite childhood memory?'. I know to this question a few chuckle and walk away. Sometimes I can get people to talk to me.
It just seems forced.
Everything seems forced today.
You know when you are not thinking but thinking at the same time. It's like it's all a blur but theres something there if only you could pick out which it was thats being an iron ring through you...at least then you could start somewhere.
I have no place to start. No finish line. I am just moving towards nowhere.
I am not as sad as I seem just feel extremely apathetic today. I am sure tomorrow will be better. I hope it's like the movie groundhog day except for the day is a good one instead of constantly annoying.
I've lost my i.d. so I really hope no one wants to get polluted.
I think it might be another chill out weekend anyways.

I just want to laugh and sleep.
Or laugh so hard it makes me tired.
Or be so tired that I can't stop laughing.

Katrina at 10:11 AM