2007-03-07

catharsis

I remember 3 conversations. It would be far more accurate to say I cannot forget 3 conversations. I can't remember anything most of the time. Nothing I want to remember anyways. I cannot forget these 3 conversations and they constantly burn me. In fact, they are burning holes right through me now and there is nothing I can do to stop it, for some reason.
There are times when I would say to other people to take action. DO SOMETHING. or DONT DO SOMETHING. When it comes right down to it, I do nothing. In doing nothing I am not to blame nor am I given credit. too modest for credit, too burdened with blame. I lack faith. I omit pieces of myself in order to stay completely neutral in any given situation. I am unmoved. I am apathetic. Seemingly (I am so good at making you think otherwise how could I possibly stop?). Sometimes things make me cringe. I mean really think to myself about something and cringe to the point where you would swear I was reliving a situation only this time everyone was watching from behind my eyes. This is a good sign that maybe, just maybe, these things should be learned from. That possibly I am not doing what it is I would like to be doing. Instead running in circles seems to be my favourite pastime. It just seemed that for a long while there things were changing and I was learning and now it has stopped slightly. I just keep telling myself that after the hustle and bustle dies down that something will be gained from a whole lot of wasted energy on my part. Thats the biggest and most terrible lie i could tell myself. The hustle and bustle won't stop...thats life. I would warn others against this. I cannot pretend that in moving negative around you all that negative will not expand its evil arms around me again.
I tried convincing my cousin that her problem was fearful avoidant attachment. Isn't that funny? What's also funny is that people will tell you, O they will tell you, About how different you are, How much they aspire to think like you, How much they wish they thought of that first, You're so this, so that, we dont understand you and we love you....You do not know the hinderance of things like these. I think like this because I think to much and in order to keep myself clean I must cover all the angles. Thats all im doing. In doing nothing I am doing everything only for myself because when you don't know you can't see me and I won't feel as small as I feel I am.

On a lighter note, pain precedes change precedes growth....repeat to infinity.

Katrina at 1:04 AM

2007-03-07

catharsis

I remember 3 conversations. It would be far more accurate to say I cannot forget 3 conversations. I can't remember anything most of the time. Nothing I want to remember anyways. I cannot forget these 3 conversations and they constantly burn me. In fact, they are burning holes right through me now and there is nothing I can do to stop it, for some reason.
There are times when I would say to other people to take action. DO SOMETHING. or DONT DO SOMETHING. When it comes right down to it, I do nothing. In doing nothing I am not to blame nor am I given credit. too modest for credit, too burdened with blame. I lack faith. I omit pieces of myself in order to stay completely neutral in any given situation. I am unmoved. I am apathetic. Seemingly (I am so good at making you think otherwise how could I possibly stop?). Sometimes things make me cringe. I mean really think to myself about something and cringe to the point where you would swear I was reliving a situation only this time everyone was watching from behind my eyes. This is a good sign that maybe, just maybe, these things should be learned from. That possibly I am not doing what it is I would like to be doing. Instead running in circles seems to be my favourite pastime. It just seemed that for a long while there things were changing and I was learning and now it has stopped slightly. I just keep telling myself that after the hustle and bustle dies down that something will be gained from a whole lot of wasted energy on my part. Thats the biggest and most terrible lie i could tell myself. The hustle and bustle won't stop...thats life. I would warn others against this. I cannot pretend that in moving negative around you all that negative will not expand its evil arms around me again.
I tried convincing my cousin that her problem was fearful avoidant attachment. Isn't that funny? What's also funny is that people will tell you, O they will tell you, About how different you are, How much they aspire to think like you, How much they wish they thought of that first, You're so this, so that, we dont understand you and we love you....You do not know the hinderance of things like these. I think like this because I think to much and in order to keep myself clean I must cover all the angles. Thats all im doing. In doing nothing I am doing everything only for myself because when you don't know you can't see me and I won't feel as small as I feel I am.

On a lighter note, pain precedes change precedes growth....repeat to infinity.

Katrina at 1:04 AM