2007-02-03

someone had to say it. glad it wasnt me.

This is going to be a long one.

Is it true. It doesn't matter what you say to people. If you so much as even utter a word that may oppose their views it can be taken in some form as a way of manipulation? Even if you are being nice? So many of us say live and let live but when it comes right down to it my opinion, even if only that, is going to effect you in some way. How can we truly know who we are when we are constantly playing off other emotions and thoughts floating around us? When I go to dinner with you I may not choose to pick at my food slowly because I know you hate it when I talk too much while we're eating. So at that moment I am, in my mind, respecting you as you set boundaries for us. I am losing out because I am not allowed to be who I am? I have to acknowledge you and you're feelings. Which is no concern really. It's easy and pretty much harmless. We do it without too much thought. I just hope someone notices my point here. I don't mind respecting people and their wishes. I just wonder how much of yourself is lost in the process. Rather, how much of yourself is caged due to other peoples desires and standards.
This sounds selfish.

Friday was a full moon right. Since high school I never listened to superstitions. 'oh no, It's a full moon tonight'. No, full moons always gave me good luck and I never spoke it until yesterday. Oh, alas the universe puts a stick in the mud and once i mentioned that statement I ended up with a bad full moon day. Of course, I perpetuated it myself by also stating that I shouldn't have said anything because now I've screwed myself. I am an advocate for the world working backwards. I knew better than to say anything and assume it would always be that way. dammit.
During my full moon night I went to a party at christophs. It was his birthday. Anyways, I was reminded in the closest possible way of why I choose not to officially commit to anyone or anything. Even more, reminded of what I will never ever do in the next situation I face like that. I was talking to christoph (as we do) about random things and we were having a laugh. Suddenly, out comes jesse and parks her ass on his lap. I would have been fine with it except for the conversation we were having before she got to the party was about exactly what transpired after. So, she looks at me. Looks at him. And says exactly this....' Are you the girl that calls all the time'.
My response was a laugh. It's what I do when I don't want to say what I'm thinking. To say those things just sounds funny in my head.
Christoph replied for me. No. she is not the girl that calls all the time.
I wanted to ask, what if I was? What do you do when what you think you own you may have not signed a few pages of the contract for? What if there is a loophole and maybe one day the wrong girl will call and you won't see christoph again? What if you aren't perfect? What if he doesn't want you on his lap while he's trying to chat with a few friends? OMG WTF will you do? You no longer serve a purpose? What will happen to you?
I am not speaking of Jessie. I am talking about the fact that this is everywhere you go in relationships. People either bitch that its not enough(jessies view), or that its too much(christophs view).
I think she could have asked what my name was or at least said hello or something. I mean why the abrasive behaviour? Why assume that some random girl you have never met is trying to cut your grass?
The best part is that he was explaining all of this to me before she showed up. Why do we endure these things? I've done it. We've all done it. What is it about needed to have the intimacy so badly that we accept such aggressive ways to ensure we will keep that? Picking apart our brains about whats going on with the other?
Communication.
I think if two people are going to bond and it's going to be genuine it will be just that. There would be no assumptions, no need to guess, no need to lie, become angry etc.etc.etc.etc... These are personal problems. If you have these personal issues you will no doubt bring them to the table you will not be able to hide them very well.
So, perhaps instead of bitching that things are not the way they should be we could show each other how to make things less inhibited without bringing selfish behaviour out for dinner and endure it just so we can have our favourite dessert.
I know I don't want this to happen to me again. It may be hindering in a sense because I really give no one any credit. I'll probably end up a spinster. I am just hearing words and I rarely trust words over actions. Words are manipulating (in my opinion) and actions... Well, they hold more energy. Words are just confusing. They means different things coming from different people.
This is a selfish post.
Speaking of communication. I have been quiet lately. Homebody. Catching up on some things.
I used to be so talkative and outgoing. Seems lately my words drown. I find myself wishing I could get back to a place before I realized what was going on. Maybe 7 years ago.
I didn't care.
I just was and I did what I did and I had no baggage.
I may have been free then.
I just want to tell everything and purge myself.
I wish there was a man in a closet somewhere that you could talk to. He could listen, pretend to care and I could walk away feeling healed.

Katrina at 1:18 PM

2007-02-03

someone had to say it. glad it wasnt me.

This is going to be a long one.

Is it true. It doesn't matter what you say to people. If you so much as even utter a word that may oppose their views it can be taken in some form as a way of manipulation? Even if you are being nice? So many of us say live and let live but when it comes right down to it my opinion, even if only that, is going to effect you in some way. How can we truly know who we are when we are constantly playing off other emotions and thoughts floating around us? When I go to dinner with you I may not choose to pick at my food slowly because I know you hate it when I talk too much while we're eating. So at that moment I am, in my mind, respecting you as you set boundaries for us. I am losing out because I am not allowed to be who I am? I have to acknowledge you and you're feelings. Which is no concern really. It's easy and pretty much harmless. We do it without too much thought. I just hope someone notices my point here. I don't mind respecting people and their wishes. I just wonder how much of yourself is lost in the process. Rather, how much of yourself is caged due to other peoples desires and standards.
This sounds selfish.

Friday was a full moon right. Since high school I never listened to superstitions. 'oh no, It's a full moon tonight'. No, full moons always gave me good luck and I never spoke it until yesterday. Oh, alas the universe puts a stick in the mud and once i mentioned that statement I ended up with a bad full moon day. Of course, I perpetuated it myself by also stating that I shouldn't have said anything because now I've screwed myself. I am an advocate for the world working backwards. I knew better than to say anything and assume it would always be that way. dammit.
During my full moon night I went to a party at christophs. It was his birthday. Anyways, I was reminded in the closest possible way of why I choose not to officially commit to anyone or anything. Even more, reminded of what I will never ever do in the next situation I face like that. I was talking to christoph (as we do) about random things and we were having a laugh. Suddenly, out comes jesse and parks her ass on his lap. I would have been fine with it except for the conversation we were having before she got to the party was about exactly what transpired after. So, she looks at me. Looks at him. And says exactly this....' Are you the girl that calls all the time'.
My response was a laugh. It's what I do when I don't want to say what I'm thinking. To say those things just sounds funny in my head.
Christoph replied for me. No. she is not the girl that calls all the time.
I wanted to ask, what if I was? What do you do when what you think you own you may have not signed a few pages of the contract for? What if there is a loophole and maybe one day the wrong girl will call and you won't see christoph again? What if you aren't perfect? What if he doesn't want you on his lap while he's trying to chat with a few friends? OMG WTF will you do? You no longer serve a purpose? What will happen to you?
I am not speaking of Jessie. I am talking about the fact that this is everywhere you go in relationships. People either bitch that its not enough(jessies view), or that its too much(christophs view).
I think she could have asked what my name was or at least said hello or something. I mean why the abrasive behaviour? Why assume that some random girl you have never met is trying to cut your grass?
The best part is that he was explaining all of this to me before she showed up. Why do we endure these things? I've done it. We've all done it. What is it about needed to have the intimacy so badly that we accept such aggressive ways to ensure we will keep that? Picking apart our brains about whats going on with the other?
Communication.
I think if two people are going to bond and it's going to be genuine it will be just that. There would be no assumptions, no need to guess, no need to lie, become angry etc.etc.etc.etc... These are personal problems. If you have these personal issues you will no doubt bring them to the table you will not be able to hide them very well.
So, perhaps instead of bitching that things are not the way they should be we could show each other how to make things less inhibited without bringing selfish behaviour out for dinner and endure it just so we can have our favourite dessert.
I know I don't want this to happen to me again. It may be hindering in a sense because I really give no one any credit. I'll probably end up a spinster. I am just hearing words and I rarely trust words over actions. Words are manipulating (in my opinion) and actions... Well, they hold more energy. Words are just confusing. They means different things coming from different people.
This is a selfish post.
Speaking of communication. I have been quiet lately. Homebody. Catching up on some things.
I used to be so talkative and outgoing. Seems lately my words drown. I find myself wishing I could get back to a place before I realized what was going on. Maybe 7 years ago.
I didn't care.
I just was and I did what I did and I had no baggage.
I may have been free then.
I just want to tell everything and purge myself.
I wish there was a man in a closet somewhere that you could talk to. He could listen, pretend to care and I could walk away feeling healed.

Katrina at 1:18 PM