2006-08-12

A late night sight

2:22am. What are you thinking about?

Life is crazy madness. I've been reading a book called passages lately. Can't remember who its by and I'm too lazy to go look. Either way, It's generally about the crisis adults go through. Although she calls them passages to make them sound less abrasive and create an atmosphere for good. I'll say this though. These fucking 'passages' suck my fucking balls and create enough energy through pain to light up a fucking football field. It's been worse. Tonight, I am resentful of the times I have felt down. I have concluded from this book that I am in the 'moratorium' group of these early adulthood passages...apparently, there are 4 types. Now, conclusions are great. They make sense. So, much sense in fact I'm angry I couldn't figure it out. When this moratorium first reared its ugly mug I had talked to a friend about it and she mentioned maybe we knew things we weren't supposed to. Like we were special. I believed her, and for good cause because it seemed to give me hope that I would feel better one day and all my feelings of anguish,guilt, terror etc. etc. would amount to something fruitful. I had mentioned to her, maybe, we were just growing up and this was a transitional phase in the process. She disagreed. I am happy I saw that. That's precisely what is was. It's kind of painful to realize you are no longer a child. I'm 21. I'm not in any way experienced with life if you ask me. I feel like I'm only beginning. Which brings me back to the moratorium phase. This phase tells of adolescents and young adults, 17-22, that have basically come to a stop. They drop out of school, work, pull away from relationships and basically take time for themselves. Mind you, this is not always a good thing it can be very dangerous. She explains this is only a good thing if you are continuously trying to improve yourself, not in a material way since you have no ambition to actually move forward with something tangible, but in a spiritual/growth kind of way. In order to be a part of the moratorium group you most be doing nothing yet something you are unable to put into substance. This is my group. I'm just finally coming out of it. I do little things because if I don't ill go nuts but for the most part I've been sitting idle. Watching, waiting for myself to make a move. Apparently, this does not happen without the emotional push that comes from sitting too long. There are other groups I can't mention because they didn't apply to me so I kind of skimmed them. I do know this. If you are someone that lets other people guide you and they are always there for you to lean on. You will probably never have adult transitional depression/passage/crisis. You will never feel rock bottom at this point because you'll never hit it. You may think you have. It's not the same. I also read that if you do not go through this phase at around that time, you will have a crisis at some time later and deal with those same issues you should have in your 20's. They may become worse. How to avoid this? HONESTY. Not will friends, not the 'hey man I took your shirt to borrow I'll return it dont worry' honesty. The completely aware, raw and painful honesty with yourself. Acknowledge yourself and let it go. See things as they are not as you want to see them. If you don't like it, change it. Awareness is key. Otherwise we end up with cognitive dissonance and thats a whole other post in itself.
There is more to this. I could go on. I just don't feel like speaking on behalf of others...(or I'm lazy)

By the by, I have come to the conclusion that we need to see ourselves as aliens, because we are all aliens. I think it's completely disgusting that I pretend I am something more than I am.
Look at the octopus. Probably thinks he's an ok octopus...He's an alien. A fucking alien that lives in the water and we evolved from water and that makes us relative to an octopus...You have octopus family and you think you're fucking cool too. Shit, we are a fucked up specimen. Even organisms and disease....so tiny...they have the upper hand. If you ask me it's because they are aware of who and what they are. They accept it, let it go and serve their purpose.
Hail the Virus.

Katrina at 2:27 AM

2006-08-12

A late night sight

2:22am. What are you thinking about?

Life is crazy madness. I've been reading a book called passages lately. Can't remember who its by and I'm too lazy to go look. Either way, It's generally about the crisis adults go through. Although she calls them passages to make them sound less abrasive and create an atmosphere for good. I'll say this though. These fucking 'passages' suck my fucking balls and create enough energy through pain to light up a fucking football field. It's been worse. Tonight, I am resentful of the times I have felt down. I have concluded from this book that I am in the 'moratorium' group of these early adulthood passages...apparently, there are 4 types. Now, conclusions are great. They make sense. So, much sense in fact I'm angry I couldn't figure it out. When this moratorium first reared its ugly mug I had talked to a friend about it and she mentioned maybe we knew things we weren't supposed to. Like we were special. I believed her, and for good cause because it seemed to give me hope that I would feel better one day and all my feelings of anguish,guilt, terror etc. etc. would amount to something fruitful. I had mentioned to her, maybe, we were just growing up and this was a transitional phase in the process. She disagreed. I am happy I saw that. That's precisely what is was. It's kind of painful to realize you are no longer a child. I'm 21. I'm not in any way experienced with life if you ask me. I feel like I'm only beginning. Which brings me back to the moratorium phase. This phase tells of adolescents and young adults, 17-22, that have basically come to a stop. They drop out of school, work, pull away from relationships and basically take time for themselves. Mind you, this is not always a good thing it can be very dangerous. She explains this is only a good thing if you are continuously trying to improve yourself, not in a material way since you have no ambition to actually move forward with something tangible, but in a spiritual/growth kind of way. In order to be a part of the moratorium group you most be doing nothing yet something you are unable to put into substance. This is my group. I'm just finally coming out of it. I do little things because if I don't ill go nuts but for the most part I've been sitting idle. Watching, waiting for myself to make a move. Apparently, this does not happen without the emotional push that comes from sitting too long. There are other groups I can't mention because they didn't apply to me so I kind of skimmed them. I do know this. If you are someone that lets other people guide you and they are always there for you to lean on. You will probably never have adult transitional depression/passage/crisis. You will never feel rock bottom at this point because you'll never hit it. You may think you have. It's not the same. I also read that if you do not go through this phase at around that time, you will have a crisis at some time later and deal with those same issues you should have in your 20's. They may become worse. How to avoid this? HONESTY. Not will friends, not the 'hey man I took your shirt to borrow I'll return it dont worry' honesty. The completely aware, raw and painful honesty with yourself. Acknowledge yourself and let it go. See things as they are not as you want to see them. If you don't like it, change it. Awareness is key. Otherwise we end up with cognitive dissonance and thats a whole other post in itself.
There is more to this. I could go on. I just don't feel like speaking on behalf of others...(or I'm lazy)

By the by, I have come to the conclusion that we need to see ourselves as aliens, because we are all aliens. I think it's completely disgusting that I pretend I am something more than I am.
Look at the octopus. Probably thinks he's an ok octopus...He's an alien. A fucking alien that lives in the water and we evolved from water and that makes us relative to an octopus...You have octopus family and you think you're fucking cool too. Shit, we are a fucked up specimen. Even organisms and disease....so tiny...they have the upper hand. If you ask me it's because they are aware of who and what they are. They accept it, let it go and serve their purpose.
Hail the Virus.

Katrina at 2:27 AM