2006-10-12

I spend far too much talking to myself. Negotiating with myself about how I should maneuver myself along with my thoughts in order to portray myself as all the good in me and avoiding the bad. This will fade. Truth rears its head to beautiful to look at and I will run for cover.
I warn you people. Do not feed her. She bites when your fingers get to close.
I struggle with the whys. I should be making things simple with why nots. I should be untrying and free but I am forever tense and overthinking. I cannot breathe and I cannot relax.
There is a knot and it will not loosen the more I tamper with it the more tangled and enstared it becomes amongst things that do not matter.
I do not want apathy but I do not want to care too much.
I am uneasy with compassion. I don't want to seem dramatic.
I am the bearer of bad news but I don't want your negativity.
I will only dispense as much emotion as you show me. If I give too much I am made vulnerable.
I use more words than necessary to explain myself and I always end up ironically contradicting everything through these over detailed blathers.
None of this means anything.
Still I am talking to myself. Negotiating with myself. Still not being myself.

Katrina at 9:46 PM

2006-10-12

I spend far too much talking to myself. Negotiating with myself about how I should maneuver myself along with my thoughts in order to portray myself as all the good in me and avoiding the bad. This will fade. Truth rears its head to beautiful to look at and I will run for cover.
I warn you people. Do not feed her. She bites when your fingers get to close.
I struggle with the whys. I should be making things simple with why nots. I should be untrying and free but I am forever tense and overthinking. I cannot breathe and I cannot relax.
There is a knot and it will not loosen the more I tamper with it the more tangled and enstared it becomes amongst things that do not matter.
I do not want apathy but I do not want to care too much.
I am uneasy with compassion. I don't want to seem dramatic.
I am the bearer of bad news but I don't want your negativity.
I will only dispense as much emotion as you show me. If I give too much I am made vulnerable.
I use more words than necessary to explain myself and I always end up ironically contradicting everything through these over detailed blathers.
None of this means anything.
Still I am talking to myself. Negotiating with myself. Still not being myself.

Katrina at 9:46 PM